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A New Year

As January is upon us, we all make that tentative bargain with ourselves. We tell ourselves that we should improve our quality of life. Perhaps it is a new job that we seek, or even a new career. Perhaps it is that we work too much and see our life passing us by. Maybe it is something to do with our health, like quitting smoking, exercising more, or eating healthy. Perhaps we want to spend more time with our family. And maybe, just maybe, we seek a new lover, or a new experience that pushes the boundaries of our own comfort zone. Maybe we want to find out true voice.

It is the dance of two steps forward and a step back. Spend an extra hour at the gym, then eat a cheeseburger. Have that extra beer, then drink only water the next day. Have a smoke today, but none tomorrow. We bargain with ourselves. Two steps forward, then one step back.

The symbols of the new year are visible everywhere. The TV advertisements are always about taxes, dieting and quitting smoking. We take down our Christmas decorations and haul trees to the curb. We return Christmas gifts whilst awaiting our W-2s. We see a sprig of tinsel lying discarded on the sidewalk and wince. The long month of January drones on like a lecture on anti-egalitarianism.

We all want to feel more, but rarely know how to do it or perhaps we are afraid. We are taught that romance is naive and sex is transactional. We are taught to avoid love because to love someone would mean that you silently agree to turn your life upside down. Unhappiness is more about unrealistic expectations and the misunderstanding resulting in a lack of communication and truth. The word truth is chosen deliberately here over the word honesty because the phrase “I’m being honest” has typically little to do with truth and more about an excuse to say whatever pops into your head. Honesty is about the moment. Truth is about what is.

Fear of love is stupid. It is completely possible to love many people in many different ways. It is completely possible to feel love in one glorious evening with one person and maybe never feel it over many years with another person. Ultimately, love has many faces and changes from day to day. However, true friendship and respect is constant and real. It is possible to lose it, but true friendship and respect are far more durable than love. Durability in our society of whims and disposable everything is indeed a comfort.

Don’t get me wrong. Love is sublime. It’s just important to put it in perspective. It’s important to understand what it is and what it means. It’s important to understand that it may last for a short period or it may never end. It may be friendship love or sexual love. There are so many nuances to love that they rival the number of stars in the sky.

So, what do you want? What do you need? Is the goal to feel less, or feel more? Is your emotional immunity so weak that feeling less is how you feel safe? Or is the numbness that plagues you so palpable that you feel frozen even though you go about your day as if nothing is wrong?

If you want to feel less, then perhaps you should stop reading now. These words aren’t about feeling less or being driven by fear. Life is very short. If you want to feel nothing, then perhaps you should go ahead and accept that you are afraid to really live. To feel nothing is to be dead.

Just as we tell ourselves that a night of fucking a stranger is as tasty as that double bacon cheeseburger or that bottle of Blanton’s you have been saving, the question rears it’s ugly head. Maybe it is or maybe it isn’t. The truth is that it is sexual junk food and ultimately unsustainable. That said, nobody is talking about monogamy. Don’t be ridiculous!

In a world of sending dick pics, when did we stop actually talking to each other? You might as well send a photo of an ankle or a pencil. There is no context. To want to make love, whether it be rough or tender, is not trite or silly. You can make love to a one person, to a couple, or even to two couples, if there is a real connection. Otherwise, it’s just mutual masturbation. That’s what random sex is. It means nothing because you share nothing. At this point maybe you are saying “well, what if I just want to share nothing?” Okay, that’s fine. To what end? Is having sex with 2 strangers enough? How about 3? 20? 100? 500? What is it that you really want?

Here we come to the crux of it.

I can’t tell you what you really want because I’m not you. What I can share with you is what I want. I want to feel that perfect moment of vulnerability, passion, decadence, and human connection. That moment when your lover or lovers really see you and you see them. Your eyes aren’t closed. You aren’t drifting away wishing you were with someone else. No. You are present and connecting with one or more people in a true exchange of pleasure, decadence, passion and warmth.

Your throat feels dry and you feel nervous the moment you smell my Tom Ford perfume, touch my hand, and hear my voice. “Hey there”. You notice the flecks of gold in my hazel eyes. The light catches my copper wavy strands. Your eyes glide down the back of my neck, over my shoulders and down to my large breasts hidden by cashmere and a dove grey lace brassiere.

I told you that I drink single malt scotch. Our eyes lock as we toast to the new year and sip our drinks slowly and quietly. As the cool liquid flows into you, it begins to do its job by relaxing and warming you. I tell you how nice it is to meet you finally after several emails and texts. We are both relieved that the evening slides along easily with good conversation and more scotch.

As the evening progresses, more people arrive and the pub comes crowded and loud, giving you an excuse to lean in closer to me. As you repeat the last words in our conversation, you get another whiff of my perfume and your arm grazes one of my nipples. You breathe deeply at that moment. You look into my eyes again and ask me if this place seems too loud. I lean in even closer and say “I want to be alone with you if that’s okay.” Without a word you raise your hand to the bartender to settle the tab.

Outside in the cold, damp evening, you ask me where I want to go. I answer deliberately and slowly.

“I want you to take me somewhere warm and comfortable. I want to be alone with you. I want you to fuck me greedily and without pretense. Then, I want you to make love to me over and over again until we pass out. Is that okay?”

The long pause after that seemed to last forever.

You are speechless, albeit still standing. Maybe you fainted a little?

You nod and start to mumble something but instead just motion to follow you. I knew that you would find your true voice once you were comfortable.

Against your SUV, in the dark, quiet night, you press your body against me. I bite my lip a little as I feel your hardness against me. You gently place your hand on my face and the other hand around to cradle my neck. Your kiss was deep and open. Your tongue is in my mouth. I open wider so I can take it all. I wanted it and I wanted you. After a long kiss, I broke away and turned around so that I could feel your mouth on the back of my neck and your cock resting near my derrière. Your arms are around me with one hand caressing my breasts and the other caressing my belly. As you continue to kiss my neck and feel my body, I reach between legs, under my skirt and around my knickers. I shove my fingers into my sweet dampness. I feel myself gasp a little because my fingers were a wee cold and the freezing metal of the your car door is still partially against me.

Before I could take another breath, you turn me around and kiss me again. It was a hard, deep kiss. It was the kind of kiss that felt like a real lover.

I could kiss you forever, but instead, I pull away. I can see you are initially puzzled as I rub the wetness on my fingers around my lips as if I was applying a gloss. Then, I lick my lips. “Mmmm, I love the way I taste. Would you like..?”

Before I could finish my question, your eyes widened and suddenly you took my fingers completely into your mouth, sucking and licking them like a starving man savoring that last drop of honey.

You wanted to take me right there against your SUV. I could see it in your eyes.

Without words you unlocked the door to your large vehicle. Being an A4S driver, I found your vehicle so large. I think it was bigger than my first apartment at university.

You opened the door and held it open for me. Standing there, i said “The back of your vehicle looks quite large.”

I didn’t need to finish my statement. I just knew I had no desire to wait to drive to his place, my place or any place.

I climbed into the passenger seat and then immediately crawled into the back. The seats were down and so the back was completely flat. I eyed a blanket rolled up to the side. I grabbed it and curled up with it. At that point, you had closed the door, came around to the driver’s side, started the engine and turned on the heat.

You asked if I wanted some music.

“No. Just come here, please.” I could see you were still nervous.

You crawled in the back with me. My head was lying against the rolled up blanket. In the perfect silence, I watched you take off your shoes and then lie down next to me. I could sense that you had never utilized your SUV for this purpose.

Your voice is soft and tentative when you ask me if I am comfortable.

Instead of giving a boring answer to a boring question, I took off my boots, then my over the knee wool socks, and my dove grey satin knickers. You are silently watching me, as if you are unsure if any of this is real.

I unbutton my grey cashmere sweater and then unhook the gold front clasp on my dove grey satin and lace brassiere. My large breasts are now visible. My nipples are like blushing pink thimbles. I could feel how much I wanted you from the wetness dripping down my thigh.

I easily observed your arousal by the bulge in your trousers and the visible dampness on them. However, I could see you were still nervous. In our earlier correspondence, you indicated that it had been a while for you. I was flattered that you were nervous. To me, it indicated that you weren’t desensitized to passion.

I hoped you would find your true voice soon. I knew that it might take some time.

As your eyes repeatedly ran up and down my body, registering my soft, pale skin and delicious curves, I grasped one of my nipples and began to suck on it in front of you. As I did that, my eyes didn’t leave you. I watched you closely as I sucked my rock hard nipple and caressed my thigh.

Then, the dam broke. Your nervousness was vaporized by your voracious hunger.

Suddenly, your mouth had replaced my own. You sucked my nipple so hard it almost ached. Your hand was on my other breast. I wrapped my arms around you, one hand caressing your neck and another caressing your back.

Next, without a word, you shifted to lie on top of me. As your wet mouth met mine, you pulled up my skirt and your knee pushed my legs apart. The anticipation of feeling that first thrust was almost more than I could bear. As you kissed me deeply and without pause, you reached down, unzipped your pants, and plunged into me. I gasped. The exquisite pleasure just took my breath away. A little tremor or vibration of perfection reverberated inside me with each thrust. Your hands found their way into mine. Our hands clasped above our heads, our eyes again connect.

“Oh darling, yes, I want it. Fuck me like you mean it. Give it to me.”

As you began to pound me faster, I could feel my climax building and moving toward the surface. I knew that I was right on the edge. The tip of your cock caressed my nexus with each hard push.

Then, in a wave of absolute ecstasy, I came hard on your cock. My pussy gripped your cock tightly. I could feel the head pulsing.

“Oh baby, fuck my pussy! Yes! You make me cum so good! You are so fucking sexy. I wanted you all night!”

Apparently, my words pushed you over the edge.

Within a few moments, you let out a loud moan. I could feel your hot release caress my insides. As you came, I could feel your lips quiver at that exact moment. The feel of your kisses and the vibrations from your body communicated loudly and earnestly.

As you exhaled, you body relaxed. I could feel your delicious heat and weight on me.

And there it was. That elusive, perfect moment where vulnerability, passion, decadence and intimacy collide.

And with a strong declaration you spoke. “God, you are so fucking beautiful.”

It was as if you had never before said anything. It was as if you had been going through life in silence or simply mumbling in snippets of polite conversation.

You found your voice.

I smiled and then said “Tell me what you want, my darling.”

“I want to take you home and make love to you all night until we pass out. Is THAT okay?”

I nodded.

Now that you found your voice, I wanted to be quiet. I wanted to listen and savor every moment.

It is a new year and you have so much you want to tell me.

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