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Cant have this

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Cist came to stay the night just as friends. We had a lovely dinner and I was washing dishes listening to Dave and her laughter coming from the rest of the house. My tears fell into the dishwater. She came in to be social and hugged me from behind.

“Please don’t.” I said in a anguished voice.

“Why?” She asked “Because I can’t have this. I can’t have what I want and the wanting it is killing me. I am sorry.” I said with my heart breaking open bleeding. It should have pooled on the floor in front of me making my feet slick and sticky.

“What do you want?” Cist asked me in a whisper as if standing behind me now she didn't want to know.

“I want you both I want to dominate you, I want to bring you to the brink and watch him fill you. I want to hear your laughter, see it fill your eyes. I want to taste you in the morning. I want to talk with you and hold you always.” I escaped from her arms and saw Dave standing in the kitchen door way. “I am sorry.” And I ran from the kitchen into the rain along the slick paving stones. I collapsed to my knees in front of the statue of Aphrodite and wept my tears in distinguished from the rain on my face. After a few moments I heard someone approach I thought it would be Dave coming to ask me to come in out of the rain to tell me everything would be ok and we would get through this too. But I was wrong it was Cist and she looked down at me and reached out her hand. I took it and held her for what seemed forever and she let me kiss her rain wet lips, then her soft neck and so much more. We rolled on the paving stones in the warm summer rain. Exploring and feeding on each other until our bodies were spent, and the only sounds in the world were our ragged breathing and the natural sounds of the Goddess around us.

“I thought it was raining because the Goddess wept with me.” I whispered into her skin.

“I think she weeps with us all. Let’s not talk about it tonight.” Cist whispered back.

We went back inside where Dave was waiting with warm towels and he led us upstairs to the bed room. The shower was the first place we all went and it was frantic and filled with need not only my own but all of our needs. The bedroom became a playground and the sharp parts of love, of ropes and blindfolds, of pleasure and begging to be filled and my dreams came true that night again and again until we were all dead tired. I laid beside them my heart full and knew it wouldn’t last.

I got up and went to my office where I wrote these words in my journal.

I know it can’t last and yet I can’t rest. She will return to him and leave us. He will swallow her hole, take her smile, eat her laughter, kill the twinkle in her eyes, until there is nothing left. I know that the break in my heart is only scabbed over and tomorrow when she leaves it will crack open and bleed again.

I couldn’t sleep and found my self watching them. Watching how we would have all fit on the bed, warm and soft. She left shortly after noon with final kisses good bye and promises to see us at full moon. Dave held me and we went and made soft love and I told him how much I loved him, because I did love him.

Full moon was at my home and the house was bursting with friends and members of circle. The kitchen table groaned under the weight of food for the fest after ceremony. I hugged everyone and smiled like always and if my eyes fallowed her around the room no one noticed.

Circle started and I realized standing there that I couldn’t do it I couldn’t handle it today. So I handed it off to Lisa. Claimed sudden illness and vanished into the house. Everyone understands that you shouldn’t be in circle if you are feeling ill nor should you be handling all that energy if you are ill, so I offended no one. When I entered the house Dave was there and he held me while I cried and told him I couldn’t do it. And he whispered that we would find a way to get through.

During meditation Cist asked for a door way to be made so she could exit the circle and Lisa did it for her silently. Cist came into the house and stood in front of us at the couch and told us “I have tried. I thought at first maybe it was just lust because I haven’t been fulfilled in so long. Maybe it was because you couldn’t date me based on your rules as a teacher, you know the forbidden. So I went to Karrie but it wasn’t the same and it didn’t go away. And last weekend I thought ok so know you have done it you have gotten it out of your system, you can move on. But no I can’t go on.” We rushed up from the couch and we enfolded her in our arms. “What do we do. How do we fix it?”

“We don’t know but we will find a way.” Dave said. I just cried into her soft neck.

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