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REMEMBERING

Do I remember? Yes, Doctor, I remember the incident very clearly. It was on my thirteenth birthday and my brother, David, who was nearly eighteen, told me it was time -- according to tradition -- for me to be "initiated" as a woman. I had just started having regular periods a few months earlier and I thought "How neat!" I didn't know there *was* a traditional ceremony when you started menstruating... which shows you just how naive I was.

He told me to strip down to my underwear, and I trusted my big brother -- I almost worshipped him, truthfully -- so I did it.

Anyway, there was never much of a nudity taboo around our house so it wasn't any big thing.

When I was down to my bra and panties, David had me lie across this big leather ottoman that belongs to Dad's favorite Chesterfield chair in the study. He held my arms down along the legs of this thing and fastened down my wrists with lots of adhesive tape. I don't know what I thought was going to happen. The tape didn't hurt and I guess maybe I was expecting "birthday licks" with a paddle or something. David was giving me this hokey evil grin but he always was a big tease.

Anyway, I was stretched out flat across the ottoman and it was so large, and I was so small, the back edge came all the way to my waist and bent me right in half. My knees barely touched the carpet. And David had rolled up a couple of big bath towels and tucked them under my hips crosswise so my little virgin ass stuck up even more.

Pardon me? Oh. No, I wasn't exactly frightened at that point.

Nervous, sure. Maybe a little apprehensive. But like I said, I was naive. I was squirming around and warning David he'd better not hurt me,... but I was laughing and giggling, too. It all seemed like kind of a game until he put the tape across my mouth. I didn't like that at all... but, of course, by then it was too late to complain or yell.

David moved out of my range of vision and a moment later he peeled my panties right down to my knees. Now, *that* was embarrassing! I was kind of afraid he was going to leave me there like that for our parents to discover when they got home. Anyway, I could hardly move at all. There was a long pause, and then a stinging, open-handed slap on my butt made me jerk and squeal. I remember thinking I was going to *get* him for that! I wouldn't tattle on him, of course, but I'd come up with some equally embarrassing prank to pull on him.

He slapped me on my bare ass a few more times, waiting long enough in between that I wasn't sure it was going to happen again -- until it did. I just squawked from behind the tape and steadied myself by holding on tight to the legs of the ottoman. Then he stopped spanking me and said something like "Now, this will feel better." And he slid a couple of fingers between my legs from behind, stroking the edges of my pussy.

Now, you have to understand something, Doctor: I was one of those adolescent girls who was very, very nervous about the sexual feelings I was beginning to have. I was embarrassed and a little scared by the tingles I used to feel in my breasts and crotch when I was around certain boys I knew. A couple of my friends at pajama parties had told how they'd learned to masturbate, and how great it felt, and even how they had jerked off boys. Frankly, I was bewildered by the whole thing. My parents were very uptight and would *never* talk to me about such things, so I really was appallingly ignorant.

So when David started touching me like that, especially because he was behind me where I couldn't see him and I couldn't move or talk, I was kind of frozen in shock. I didn't react or move at all.

And when he pushed one finger way up inside me, I moaned because now I *was* frightened. But my brother said "You like that, don't you, kid?" and put a second finger inside me and wriggled them around. I stiffened and tried to jerk back, but I went in the wrong direction and the movement made his fingers penetrate even deeper.

David said something like "Boy, you *are* hot for it!" And he took his fingers out. I was too rattled even to cry.

After a minute or so, when all I could hear was the rustle of clothing, David moved around where I could see him. He was completely naked. I'd seen him without clothes before, but only by accident. And he had an enormous erection that he was slowly stroking with one hand.

"Since you're such a hot little thing, I'm going to fan your flames real good," he said. That sounds terribly corny, doesn't it, Doctor? I suppose he thought he was being romantic. But he knelt there for a couple of minutes with his eyes half-shut, fondling his dick two inches from my face. Then he smiled and leaned over and kissed me on the back of the neck, and then he moved back around behind me.

I tried to scrunch up against the ottoman and close my thighs together as tightly as I could, but I couldn't get any traction with my knees against the carpet. David's hands closed firmly around my ankles and pulled my legs back and apart. Then he moved up really close behind my ass, his penis hot as it brushed against my thigh and his knees keeping my own knees separated.

I felt something that was both hard and soft rub up and down against my cunt, dividing the lips and spreading them open. It took a few seconds before I realized it must be his penis. That kind of woke me out of my daze and I started thumping my forehead against the ottoman and making groaning sounds and writhing around trying to avoid him. But he just laughed and said "Patience, kid, we'll get there!" I think he honestly thought I was horny as hell and *wanted* him to fuck me. Yeah, I know -- maybe I shouldn't be so understanding or charitable.

And all of a sudden, his dick was sliding into me, bumping against the end, moving in and out, and he was holding my hips steady as he kept ramming it into me, and I was beginning to get hysterical, and wanted to cry and scream and all that, but the damn tape---

Sorry, Doctor, sorry. I know I have to be calmer in telling this. I can't break down now, not after all that's happened. Just let me take a couple of deep breaths; that always helps....

Okay. I'm okay now. Anyway, David just kept fucking me like that, pushing hard and then even harder, and after a few minutes he banged into me so hard it felt like he was going to poke a hole through the end of my vagina. And he held me there rigidly and made strange little sounds and jerked a few times as he shot off into me. Since I was so small and the fit was so tight, a lot of his stuff immediately leaked out and oozed down my leg. I could feel it and I was terrified that it might be blood, but when he finally pulled out, he checked between my legs and said something about there being only a small spot of blood and that I'd lost my virginity "like a pro."

I shook my head back and forth and moaned again, trying to get him to understand that I wanted that damn tape off my mouth, but either he didn't understand what I wanted or he was afraid I was going to scream my head off. Honestly, I can't remember whether I intended to scream or not. I just wanted my mouth free.

David moved around in front of me again and squeezed his dick to make a little more semen ooze out. That's when I understood what that wet feeling was on my thigh. "Did you come, kid?" he wanted to know. I wasn't even sure what he was talking about but I shook my head, trying not to look at the way his cock glistened with the moisture that had been inside my cunt a moment before. It kind of struck me that maybe I *was* a woman now, having been fucked and all. The fact that it was my older brother who had done it didn't seem to make much difference. But I looked up at him with the most pleading expression I could invent.

He seemed thoughtful and asked me if I wanted him to take the tape off my mouth. I nodded my head so vigorously I banged my chin and bit my tongue. He reached down and took hold of one corner of the tape and paused. "You're not going to make a lot of noise, are you?" I shook my head "no."

"Because I wouldn't like that," he went on. "I'd have to tell Mom and Dad how you made me screw you, how you talked me into it and all." I knew he could do it, too, and they would believe him.

My brother was a very persuasive person when he wanted to be. So I shook my head again, and raised my eyebrows, and hunched my shoulders in a kind of submissive way. I just wanted to get rid of that damned, choking tape! So he peeled it off slowly and smoothly, being careful not to hurt me -- which is ironic, isn't it, now that I think of it. David didn't want to hurt me.

I licked my lips, which were kind of sticky, and whispered "I won't say anything to anyone, David, I promise." He studied my face and slowly nodded. But he didn't untape my wrists and I was afraid to ask. Doctor, that was the first time in my life I'd ever been afraid of my brother. It was not a nice feeling.

David knelt beside the ottoman and his hands began wandering over my ass and between my legs again. His fingers were poking and exploring everywhere and,... well, he started rubbing one finger over my clit, which felt much larger and more sensitive than it ever had before. I don't know whether he knew what he was doing or whether he just got lucky, but it suddenly felt like my soul was centered in my clitoris. As he rubbed his fingertips slowly across the head of it, I started to jerk and buck like I was being electrocuted. And, God, how I moaned! I was completely shameless, Doctor. I'd just been raped -- there's certainly no other word for it -- and there I was, trying to squat down on his hand even farther and stretching my legs as far apart as I could. David just said "Wow"... which, I guess, meant he was impressed.

And I found I was begging him to untie my hands, but not to stop what he was doing, either. After maybe three or four minutes of sexual self-torture, I had my first orgasm ever. All my leg muscles twitched, and my butt vibrated, and my lower back kind of spasmed.

The most incredible, revelatory experience possible for a completely inexperienced thirteen-year-old.

Then he stopped and took his hand away and, God help me, I wanted more! I was actually sobbing "Don't stop, don't stop!" like a crazy person. But he had only paused to finally untape my hands.

He had to tell me several times to hold still because I was twisting and writhing around so much. And as soon as one hand was free, it flew straight to my crotch. Then both hands were free and I was lying on my back on the floor, holding my labia apart with one hand and feverishly strumming myself with the other.

David was sitting on the ottoman while this was going on, watching with a kind of awe as I masturbated, as if he were Aladdin and I was the Genie. I don't remember whether he had an erection just then or not, but pretty soon he was on the floor in front of me, gripping my kneecaps and insisting he could help.

What he did was to push my knees up and out so my ass was pointing at the ceiling. Curling up my spine like that did give me better access to my pussy, I guess, but he wasn't just being helpful.

Doctor, have you ever been ass-fucked? Don't look so startled:

You're the psychologist, not me. People do it all the time. I'm told that it's sometimes frightening or at least distasteful even to adventurous college students. But think what it would be like for a newly de-virginized adolescent....

Actually, David *was* being helpful, but mostly to himself. He dipped several fingers deep into my cunt and came out with a handful of juice, which he lathered on his cock like hand lotion.

Then he slid a finger into my upturned ass and moistened it. I barely noticed what he was doing -- hell, I was up in the clouds somewhere.

But I sure as hell noticed when he got a grip on my gaping crotch with both hands and began pushing his penis into my rectum.

The pain was almost enough to overcome the ecstatic throbbing of my clit -- almost. As it was, I stiffened and tried to lower my legs -- David kept a tight hold and wouldn't let me -- and I moaned and sobbed even louder than before. It was probably a real turn-on for someone who was into that kind of dominance thing and my brother was turning out to be one of those people.

He'd push in some, then withdraw a little, then grunt and push again -- only harder. After a few minutes, he was pretty much all the way in and he paused to catch his breath. He let go of my legs but the fit was so tight, I was like a nut threaded onto a bolt. I couldn't move.

And then he began seriously fucking my ass and the real pain hit me. He got enough lubrication going that he actually could slide in and out quite a bit, but it still hurt. Going in, I was terrified that he'd split me open and I'd die of it. And pulling out, it felt like my intestines were going to be dragged inside out by his cock.

Part of me wanted to scream, but I didn't. I cried and sobbed and begged him to stop, but I didn't make a single sound that might have brought outside help. Why do you suppose that was, Doctor?

No -- I think it was something other than ordinary fear. I think it was pretty simple, really: No matter how frightened I was, no matter how much he was hurting me, I didn't *really* want my brother to stop doing what he was doing. At some level, I *liked*

having my ass fucked. Well,... that's the only reason that makes sense to me, as pathetic as it may be.

So, anyway, there was about ten minutes of lying on my back with my legs bouncing around in the air, watching David hovering over me with his dick connected to my butt like they'd grown together. My fingers were still jammed in my cunt but I wasn't masturbating very much at that point. No concentration left, I guess. And then he speeded up for a few seconds and came -- hard. I couldn't really feel it. Inside, I mean. And then he kind of just knelt there catching his breath, with his cock still stuck up my rectum.

He finally withdrew, rather suddenly, and the relief was so great I'm afraid I actually whimpered. I suppose David thought I was disappointed he'd stopped. He patted me on the knee and said something to the effect that we could fuck again later, the next time we were alone for the afternoon, and that he could teach me lots of other things.

We just sat and lay there naked on the floor for a little while and felt the sweat dry on our bodies. I stayed on my back, actually; I was much too stiff and sore to sit up. David kept watching me with a faint, sort of pleased-with-himself smile.

And then I said something I couldn't believe at the time. I still don't fully understand it. I mean, my older brother, whom I trusted, had just raped me -- twice. Right? And what I said was, "Thank you, David. I love you." Is that twisted or what, Doctor?

What was I thanking him for, anyway? So he patted me on the knee again and said he loved me, too. He said it kind of offhandedly, like he was thinking about something else. Then he said the next time he'd use protection because he didn't want me getting pregnant and I wasn't old enough to go on the Pill.

I have to say, Doctor, that David kept his word. Every time he fucked me after that, he used a condom. And about three years later, when I was sixteen, he found a doctor who was willing to prescribe the Pill for me, no questions asked. I'm pretty sure our parents still thought I was a virgin at sixteen -- can you believe that? I had ten times as much mileage on my cunt as my mother had, I'm sure. And I had probably done a number of things, at my brother's urging, that would have made my mother faint.

As I'm sure you've figured out by now, David and I kept having sex -- usually at least once a week, sometimes every night for several weeks, depending on the circumstances. And by the end of the first year, I was a more or less willing co-conspirator. Maybe I became addicted, I don't know. I *do* know that there were days when my school classes passed in a feverish haze and all I could think about was screwing with David.

What's odd is that this constant horniness didn't include other boys, whether my own age or older. I didn't walk down the street staring at strange men and wondering what it would be like to fuck them. David never told me I *couldn't* have sex with other guys --

maybe it never occurred to him -- but he was the only partner I ever considered.

We kept experimenting, too, Doctor. By my fourteenth birthday, I was a pretty accomplished cocksucker. I could milk my brother for an hour or more, building him up to a high pitch, then backing off just enough to prolong things. And when he finally did come, it was nearly always in my mouth. It never occurred to me not to swallow, either. I guess I became pretty avid about sex.

You know, from what I've read about situations like mine, the victim -- if that's really what I am -- has fits of depression and withdraws from outside contacts, and school grades go down, and there are all these other symptomatic side effects. Well, that didn't seem to happen to me. My grades were already good and they only got better. I had plenty of girlfriends and none of them suspected a thing. When my friends got giggly about boys and sex, though, I just kept my mouth shut and listened.

That's why it bothers me, sort of, that things turned out the way they did. I guess I thought I had adjusted to my physical relationship with my brother. It was all certainly a surprise to him.

What do you mean, "What happened?" Doctor, you know perfectly well what happened. Okay, I suppose you want to hear it again.

It was four years and two days after the whole thing began --

two days after my seventeenth birthday. I was considered a pretty hot date by that time and I was always popular, but I never screwed anyone but my brother. Of course, I knew the whole thing was abnormal but I had accepted it for so long, I no longer thought about it much. I guess, in a strange sort of way, I was pretty well adjusted.

David had always dated a lot of girls but that didn't bother me either, even though I knew -- when I bothered to consider it --

that he was having sex with some of them as well. But that day just after my birthday, David came home from school with an announcement. He was going to a local college and he'd gotten involved with this girl in one of his classes ... and the announcement was that he was in love with her and he had proposed to her and she had accepted.

He was so happy about it, and our folks seemed happy, and they expected me to be happy, too. But I was kind of in shock. It took me a little while to realize that David would be moving out of the house, away from me, to be with another woman all the time. It meant we probably wouldn't have sex anymore, or only once in a while at best.

Doctor, I went straight from shock to panic. I had to stop it all from happening but I thought about it for two weeks and I couldn't come up with a feasible solution. I had managed not to be home the two or three times David had brought this new girl over to the house. I just couldn't deal with having to meet her face-to-face.

Then there came an evening when I returned home from a girlfriend's house and found my brother alone with this girl he liked so much. My girlfriend lived nearby so I had walked and no one had heard me come in the back door. I heard strange but familiar sounds in the living room and stuck my head around the corner to see what it was. David and the girl were fucking on the big corduroy couch.

I knew intellectually what they'd been doing... but actually seeing it was completely different. They both were naked and they both seemed to have their eyes closed, so they didn't know I was there, but I could see everything, Doctor. I could see my brother's cock moving in and out of her like a piston. She had one leg up on the back of the couch and the other sprawled on the floor and her arms were flung up over her heard and her breasts were jiggling and she was making little sort of mewing noises--

Yes, I know -- I'm doing it again, aren't I? But he was the one who had started it all and here he was, betraying me in our own living room! And that's why I did it. I know you think I hated my brother, Doctor, but I didn't really. I hated that girl for coming between us.

That's why, when they were finished and David collapsed on top of her and then kissed her, I was shaking so hard I had to go back to the kitchen. I was just pacing back and forth, trying not to think about what I'd seen, trying to think of some way to stop it before it was too late... and the best thing I could think of, Doctor, was that if David had never met that girl, he wouldn't be leaving me. Next best was if the girl left *him*, now, quickly.

Third was if I made her leave.

My mother was a good cook, Doctor, and she believed in keeping pots clean and knives sharp. In the rack on the counter was a boning knife that had always fascinated me. It was long-bladed and narrow and it seemed more like a weapon than anything else I could find, even the big cleaver.

I took the boning knife back to the doorway and looked around the corner again. The girl was still sprawled across the couch with her legs wide apart and her arms folded behind her head. I could almost smell her aroma. My brother was sitting beside her on the couch, talking quietly and stroking her thigh, and she was smiling at him.

Then he got up and headed down the hall toward the bathroom, still naked. She turned her head to one side -- the side facing away from me -- and closed her eyes. She was still smiling.

I moved quietly along the living room wall until I was standing right beside the arm of the couch. The girl never heard a sound until I cleared my throat and then her eyes snapped open. She stared back at me upside-down with her mouth open and I stared down at her breasts. They were a lot bigger than mine; maybe that was why David like her better.

Keeping my voice as steady as I could, I said "You have to leave. He's my brother and he's staying here with me. Go away."

She didn't move for a second, out of startlement, I suppose.

Then she blinked and said "Who the fuck are you?!" And suddenly she closed her legs and drew her knees up and got a panicky look in her eyes.

"David...?!" Her voice was going up the scale and rising in volume. I heard the toilet flush in the background and I knew I had no choice. There was no more time.

She still had her head back, looking up at me, as I raised the boning knife from my side and drove it down into her left eye.

It was pretty messy, actually. The whatchamacallit-fluid in her eye squirted out with a big gush of blood behind it and then the knife scraped against the bone around her eye. She got out a half-shriek and jerked once before she lay still. From the length of the knife still protruding, I thought probably four or five inches of the blade had gone straight into her brain, so it must have been relatively painless. And when I wrenched the knife loose, bits of brain and stuff came with it, and more blood.

Why do you look so uncomfortable, Doctor? Isn't this what you'd call a "clinical" description? I'm just trying to be factual, you see.

Well, my brother ran back into the room -- I guess he'd heard that sound she'd made -- and he nearly ran into the coffee table when he saw his ex-girlfriend. Everything had worked out so well, I couldn't help smiling. And I said "You don't have to leave now, David. I've taken care of it for you." But her looked at the girl and then he stared at me, and,... God, he was so pale and his eyes were so huge.

And I knew at that moment, with perfect clarity, that he was going to leave anyway, Doctor. I'd done what had to be done, I'd removed the barrier between us, but he didn't seem to appreciate that. He was going to desert me no matter what I did.

I'm afraid I lost control of myself a little bit, Doctor -- but I was justifiably angry so I don't think it was entirely my fault.

He didn't take his eyes off me as I stepped over to him, raised the boning knife again, and brought it down where his neck joined his shoulder. I didn't actually aim for that spot but the blade slid all the way down behind his clavicle until only the handle showed.

My brother fell to his knees and whispered "No..." and then toppled over sideways.

"That's right," I replied. "You're staying here. I knew you would all along." He did, too, Doctor. He didn't go anyplace, not ever again.

I guess our parents got home later that night. I don't remember much about it, except that I was sitting naked on the hassock in the study where it all began. I was waiting for David to come and tie me down, like he did that first time. I was sure he'd come, now that the girl was gone, but he never did. Only some police and people like that.

And that's about all I remember, Doctor, until I came here. I've been here a long time now, and it's pretty dull, and I really don't think it's fair. My brother is out there waiting for me; I'm sure he is. Why won't you just let us be together, Doctor?

Doctor...?

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