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bi males and honesty : Swingers Discussion 2043901048
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FORUMSThe Bi Sexual SwingerBi Couplesbi males and honesty
TOPIC: bi males and honesty
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I see it as a personal preference. You don't like liars, don't meet with them. Simple!! Many who have said they are str8 and have become comfortable with the wife and I have tried oral bi and like it but don't want others to know. I'm fine with that because it's their life and their choices as it is mine to invite people to play or not. We both list honestly and wish all could, but I know for a fact there are too many hangups out there about it. Now the guy who can't tell his wife, that's different. He's living a lie and we don't want the drama.

Port St Lucie FL
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The larger issue was touched on in an earlier post and that is (at least in my opinion) a persistent homophobia within the "Life Style" community which to some extent mirrors non life style society. I for one will deal with the men who list as straight but turn out to be bi, but will encourage them to alter their listing. The claims that they will get "less action" can be argued by pointing out that they get far more if they come out. It is also up to each of us to try to make the change we would like to see. Things have changed to the extent that there are now a few bi male friendly parties and I see some gay couples listed on life style boards. Giving some other listing options might help as well. For example heteroflexible is one option as is pansexual. In the long run we must all do what we can to make being bi a comfortable, safe choice in the long style community.

Forest Knolls CA
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Regin.

Been there many times myself. I hear ya. Many playtimes have been cut short because of it.

We even tried the "guys meet first time then next time couple meets"

But the flip side to that, there are a lot of single guys who pose as couples and use that same line and that second meet never happens.

So i see where that policy would set off the BS alarm on their part too.

I now just find that making it a topic that gets discussed a lot and made VERY clear from the start works.

We just flat out say. "We're looking for you to play with BOTH of us and that is how we play. If we get the slightest feeling that you have other intentions, you will find yourself in a very uncomfortable embarrassing situation"

We make it so clear that we are aware of the bait and switch that it scares off anyone with those intentions in advance.

Otherwise if they werent bi when they showed up, they sure will be when they leave...lol

Mount Juliet TN
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The contacts we have had normally start out with Straight guys saying that they are bi! It is just so that they can meet with the female only! No intentions of being bi! It has happened to us! So now It is a requirement that they prove the bi with me first! You would believe that most "Bi" guys will not do that! LOL!

Union NJ
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Excellent post Joey

Osterburg PA
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We've been hit or miss with the guys who say they are bi. Some are obviously bi - some obviously are not and were lying.

To answer your question, Joey "are we going to be compatible for the few hours we are together?"

If they are lying, we won't be. (in our case) It basically ruins our evening and wastes time/money.

And of course it is lying if their first email is "I know I am listed as straight but I am really bi." What else could that possibly be besides hiding from something?

So, for the few guys out there who really have to hide their true identity by listing themselves as straight, we sympathize. But the reason you have to hide is someone's homophobia. We feel for you, but we won't be taking part in perpetuating it so we won't be meeting you under this pretense.

For the guys who are using the "I'm really bi" line to try and get in with more couples -- we are taking a stand. We won't be meeting you either.

When it comes to the sheer number of single males, we aren't limiting our own play time and there is no other reasonable way of protecting our own investments (time and money in LS meetings).

Sure, there are lots of lies out there but we can control most of the others. We only play safe, so that one is covered (literally) and if a guy is married he isn't hurting anyone but his own relationship. The others are misrepresentation and that is taken care of on sight.

As we said before, this may only work for us and we are OK with that. We mention it only because there is a way to get rid of the stigma-- that being people need to realize just how many truly bi guys there are out there.

We will get there eventually.

Cedar Rapids IA
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To add to that. I dont feel its lying.

I am most interested in play with a couple. I am perfectly capable of playing straight. You would never know I was bi if i didnt tell you. I wont be chasing your man around the room trying to blow him if thats not what you want.

So what is the point in telling a straight couple that Im bi, if it will have absolutely no effect on how we play?

Im a contractor fulltime. I occasionally do towing also for a friends company.

When people ask what I do for a living, I tell them Im a contractor. Thats my primary job, thats what I do with 99% of my time. I dont tell them Im a "contractor who also runs a wrecker on occassion"

But if someone is looking for someone who can run a wrecker, I can step up and say "Hey, I can do that"

Most of the play im looking for is straight. If youre a couple that is looking for someone who is a little more flexible.....Well, "Hey, I can do that"

But if I represented myself as a tow truck driver......That would do nothing to benefit my contracting company. Its not relevant. Nobody is going to hire my company because I can drive a tow truck. And it may hurt me getting hired because people would think that the towing may interfere in what im being hired to do.

I also used to think "what else are they lying about" But I now put this in a separate category.

This lifestyle is full of lies.

Condom only couples who are anything but. Std free. Who have never been tested. Extremely active couples "new and testing the waters" Couples as singles Cheaters

You name it its here and in mass quantity.

Its a matter of how far are you going to dig into someone life and how well are you going to get to know them before you play?

Me. Im out for myself. Im in it for the sex. Im interested in the couple hours we are going to be together. I try my best to limit risks, try to avoid people I dont want, and play in a manner im likely to remain safe and ddfree. But the whole time knowing that mostly i can only go by what Im told.

If a guy presents himself as single. How many people really do a through investigation to confirm that? But if he says hes married and cheating, they will exclude him.

How many people require recent std results or just go on the profile saying "clean, ddfree"? We've never been asked for proof.

Most everyone goes by what is said on the profile. Thats just a fact. Most times honesty has the opposite effect. Its unfortunate.

A cheater will cheat. If he tells you hes single. He will get action. If hes honest and says hes cheating. He wont.

It may not be the "morally acceptable" thing to do. But again, Im selfish. Im not looking for a spouse, or a close friend. Im looking for a couple hours of fun.

So to me. The wife and kids at home, your problem, not mine. Im not hiding from my wife. So I cant get in trouble. So the risk is all on you.

My criteria is "Are we going to be compatible for the few hours we will be together?"

Mount Juliet TN
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After spending time in the forums I have become much more tolerant of some people and their profiles.

I now understand why most bi guys list as straight and am not so quick to blast them over it.

I know how to, in advance, "scare off" straight guys who lie about being bi thinking we will overlook that when we play.

An honest email can overcome a single with a couple profile if it has to do with bi play. But dont approach as a couple then change it at the last minute.

Where I didnt before. I now feel there is a difference in what people advertise vs. what they email and im not so quick to get uptight about it.

I used to see listing as straight the same as "lying" until i realized that if you are only "situationally bi" and most of the play you want is straight, that you will be automatically excluded.

I feel if you are looking to play as a single though, at the very least have a single profile. It is still a turnoff to get emailed from "half a couple" That raises too many questions.

Is it a bait and switch? Is there really a couple? Does she know her private parts are all over the internet?

Would much rather get emailed by a "married and cheating" single profile than half a couple profile.

Personally if I were to play here as a single again. I would probably list as straight but while not talking bi, I would word the profile that I am VERY openminded and able to conform to the wishes of the couple. Then if I talked to a bi couple I would be open that Im bi. To others looking for straight play, Im an openminded straight guy.

Many will blast me for that. But I see no problem in presenting your profile in a manner to attract what you are looking for vs. being excluded because you can also adapt to other situations.

Mount Juliet TN
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As a bisexual male, I must add my 2 cents worth, I agree with most of the post here. Honesty is the most important asset on the site, I'm sure we have seen it all here, a twist that seems prevalent is the bi-couple that is in fact a male, you would be surprised how many emails I receive from couples that turn out to be a single male claiming his wife is ill,away,or otherwise unavailable. It is hard enough here for the single bi-male, it occurs to me this type of behavior taints the waters for me and others. If you state bisexual (not curious) then that is exactly what you should be, be willing to engage both women and men, there are many homophobes here who equate bisexuality to being gay, I'm secure in my masculinity, enough so that it allows me to enjoy men equally. Honesty is a two way street, if we could weed the "whackers" and wishers we would all be better off.

Greenlawn NY
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OK, back to the point of the OP.

ncsexy - you are not an example of who we are discussing. You say you have it in your profile that you sometimes play bi (have not looked - taking your word for it). The point of the OP is different.

If a man is listed only as straight, then sets up a meeting with us on the pretense that he is bi (only in private conversation), then we rent the hotel room only to find out he is lying just to use her while I watch, that is abuse of the system.

How is it considered cruel for us to screen out the ones who are not being honest? It seems to be the best way to protect ourselves. It certainly hasn't limited our play time (since we don't play often anyway).

I can sympathize with the men who have straight friends on a swing site and don't want to be outed by them by changing their profile, but I can only go so far. Now many guys are using a similar excuse, including the ones who are abusing the system to try and get laid.

The problem in that case is with the straight friends in question. We are not here to protect their prejudice. One wonders why you would be friends with someone who wouldn't accept you for who you are.

Being blunt now --

If being bi is something you can't admit to people and still live your life the way you want to, that is their problem. We'd love to help (really, the point of all of this is to help educate people in the LS and remove the stigma eventually), but we have other guys ruining the process of accepting you because they are assholes and only want to get to the girl of the bi couple.

If you are a bi male it is your job to garner acceptance for yourself. You may choose to live in secret and you can expect people to honor that choice, but you may not expect people to affect their own lives (in a negative way - such as opening themselves up to abuse) to accommodate it.

We are not being cruel or bigoted by not meeting with people who are essentially lying to us. (see above that we are talking about a specific set of abusers before you get out the torches and pitchforks)

We are tolerant of everyone's lifestyle and choices of kink. Being dishonest in one's profile presentation is not a valid lifestyle. There's straight, bi-curious, bi and gay. There is no category for "bi but listed straight to deceive people who can't handle being around a bi person" Be straight - fine. Be bi- fine. Be closeted bi - also fine.

But insist that we must not only accept the closeted bi male BUT ALSO correspond with them with the intent of playing with them just like anyone else?

Nope, that goes too far. That is our choice and no one else's. If that is not what you meant, then please clarify.

Cedar Rapids IA
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TOPIC: bi males and honesty