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Being a new couples first : Swingers Discussion 769191011
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FORUMSSuccessful SwingingFirst ContactBeing a new couples first
TOPIC: Being a new couples first
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I think Shell is right.

Jealousy is dynamite and if somebody has jealousy issues swinging will eventually make them wind up in divorce court. Its not for everybody.

Logan WV
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We think a big deal is being made of being new. Our horror stories involve seasoned swingers as much as newbies, and none of them are real horrible. In fact they're good for a laugh stories now.

With newbies you take it very slow, step by step, and communicate constantly. That way the moment jealousy or the oh no feelings arrive, you can back off and talk till they either recede or the couple decides it ain't for them.

When newbies realize everything they feel is normal and okay, the reaction to those feelings is softened. If they see that full communication is the way of the moment, they are more likely to embrace it.

Often it's a good idea for the experienced couple to say "Breaktime" just to demonstrate how it's done and that it can be done.Taking such a break will provoke discussion about taking breaks and whether it's time to get back to it.

The strong reactions to newbies here in this thread demonstrate that swinging inspires strong reactions even in seasoned swingers.

Enosburg Falls VT
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Being pro-active and thinking before you proceed are crucial until you have a little experience under your belt and get a feel of what each other is okay with, what you aren't okay with, etc. You do not want to be so pro-active that you never take that first step because the first step as they say is the hardest. And you are correct in you will never prepare for looking over and seeing your spouse fucking another person...and liking it. I think thats the fear, its the will he/she like it TOO much factor. Not the actual fucking, its looking over and seeing that look of pleasure on your partners face and knowing you aren't the one causing that look of pleasure. This can instill feelings of insecurity and quite frankly, jealousy. This is why we always tell people not to just drop your panties right from jump unless it really feels right and you trust the couple. But never play because of pressure. And you will get that. We met a couple at one party and it was horrible to the point where they were pains in the asses and Jay told the hubby "the play room is over there, you and your wife are free to go play whenever you want, we are still here having fun." Do not be afraid to tell any couple or person to slow their asses down. You may lose them as play partners but hell, if they are that pushy and insensitive you aren't losing much to begin with. When we started we started out with flirting, then kissing, then touching, etc. It allows you to get a feel of what you are comfortable with...because the last thing that turns swingers off is drama. You make a scene around other people and it just doesn't look good so its best to move slowly.

San Marcos TX
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As total newbies at this, we have been having lots of very frank discussions about it all. We've decided to proceed slowly and not try to do too much too quickly, lest we end up regretting it. But lots of other posters here are right: we really don't know how we'll react until we see each other with someone else for the first time. So all we can really do to prepare ourselves is to talk about it to death! And we're trying to be very choosy about the couples that we hang out with.

Kyle TX
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We have ALWAYS made it clear that the first meeting with a couple would be over dinner and to get acquainted only with no chance of playing that night. Until you have a lot of experience it's a good practice to go home and discuss in private whether you BOTH feel sufficient attraction to schedule a play date.

After you have some experience, you will both be able to read each other's body language so well that you KNOW if your partner is interested in playing with that couple without even having to say anything.

Paula swears she knows in the first 4 minutes whether or not she is interested in the other guy. I sometimes can tell if I am interested in the other woman in that short time, but if she's a little shy or quiet or just introverted it may take me longer to feel a "connection."

So don't feel you have to give in to pressure to play at the first meeting. But don't lead another couple on, either. Tell them up front that you are interested in meeting them and getting to know them a little (which is why we prefer to meet over dinner at a restaurant so we can spend an hour or two together getting acquainted), but you will need to talk it over with each other for a couple of days afterward before deciding if you are interested in moving forward.

Everybody has been through this, from both sides. If they get upset about it, then they aren't the couple for you anyhow.

Jim

South Riding VA
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We are a "new couple". How do we signal that we are interested in getting to know others socially first? Is it acceptable to meet for drinks or dinner with no expectation of playtime until we have a chance to (forgive the pun) "feel out" the relationship? We do not wish to offend, neither do we wish to create false expectations.

Advice and comment appreciated, and feel free to email if it makes more sense.

Appreciatively, FL

Atlanta GA
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Snow, I would suggest a new couple playing with an experienced, patient couple; not aggressive bed notchers looking to pop a cherry. Again, 2 newbies can be fun because then you have experiencing everything at the same time. The only thing I would suggest against that is if someone freaks or has drama the couples may not know what to do or how to handle things. But again, just because you are "experienced" does not mean you know what you are doing; our first couple was experienced numbers wise but they were more nervous than we were and it honestly felt like we had been doing this longer than they had. Shelly

San Marcos TX
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A very interesting discussion which brings up a new question for us. Is it better to have two newbies together or for a newbie to work with a more experienced couple? We have been honest with all the experienced couples we meet that we are still newbies and somehow the "interest" goes away and we don't hear from them again. We let it be known before the meeting and the couple says they are ok with going slow but it never seems to work out. Maybe it's the beard? lol!

Three Forks MT
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Right; you live and learn I suppose but its just so uncomfortable. I don't know that there is a polite way to say "you have issues and we aren't proceeding further" lol. We have really tweaked our screening process which has honestly helped; I just wish there was a polite way to say such things. We never wish to offend or hurt feelings. Shelly

San Marcos TX
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I think one important lesson that Jay and I have to work on is having the ability to stop a play date. More than once we have been in a situation with a couple that clearly showed the signs and symptoms of drama. And we SHOULD have stopped things right then and there; but we didn't. Why? In truth we didn't want to be rude. So that is our weakest area, knowing how to do this. You never want to piss people off or offend, but you don't want a wife freaking out in a hotel room at 3 a.m. like we have had either. Shelly

San Marcos TX
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TOPIC: Being a new couples first