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New and having troubles : Swingers Discussion 77806
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TOPIC: New and having troubles
Created by: SexyAndTheMan
Original Starting post for this thread:
We are new to the lifestyle and very eager to explore all it has to offer. Our problem so far is that we want to play with just a female for my first time. We are open to expanding to have us girls play while the guys watch, and then the guys can join their girls (no swapping, just same room fun with your sig. other) but really think the first time needs to be just 3.

Can anyone offer us some advice on how to find a single girl or an open couple who would like to meet and get to know each other and play under those kinds of terms? Ideally, we'd like to find something that works for everyone so we can play frequently!

We are currently in Arizona but relocating to Colorado in the near future, and are willing to travel for the right circumstances! Any advice appreciated - it seems like we just keep striking out!

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uk, shes talking about you.


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I find myself nodding in agreement all the time at your posts, Mischief. And usually smiling at yours, Shell!

And some of you others...well, drooling isn't too ladylike, but I'm admitting it here (ditto for the two above mentioned people on here)

G.

San Antonio TX
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Mischief, you are absolutely right my dear friend. We do everything we can to take people at their own merit. And I do recognize my sensitivity to my fellow women ha. Shell


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Shell: “ I do believe my bad experiences with girls”

Of course this had an effect. Just like my molestation effects me to this day. But I have somewhat worked around that. Suggestion. Merely purpose to judge people by WHO they are not WHAT they are. You might find some women worth knowing.

Gina:

“Why can't I meet someone like you, mis? Hubby is the true open male who just wants me to enjoy, has no issues, and is laid back, and would not interfere in any way. He's very confident, non pushy, and knows me well.”

Wow. Thanks. Very nice compliment. My hubby is exactly the same way. He KNOWS I am coming home no matter how many feelings I have for someone else. Period.

Va:

“Unless you are willing to say to your spouse "Go have all the fun you want and do anything you want," and unless you can handle your spouse having affection for special playmates, then you are not TRULY trusting your spouse to "come home to you" in every sense.”

He moves to the bonus round. Agree about the talkers and fuck/flee folks. Of course you develop feelings of affection maybe even love. That is just a feeling. There is NO reason to act on it. I just enjoy caring about other folks. I’m NOT leaving hubby. Several men, all swingers, have made the mistake of believing just because we shared love.. I would leave hubby when they became single again. WRONG. I had to laugh. Just because I loved them didn’t mean they were in any way a good match as a partner. Sheesh. Talk about underestimating me!! And Hubby’s status as my LIFE partner.

Smiles to all,

Mischief

Glen Burnie MD
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Ok, so now I have one wonderful dare I say LOVER who now knows about the behind the knee thing...what a great learner he is!

I'll give details another time.

Do you really think it's so much of an age issue in attitude? Because you're right in that the people in whom we've seen jealousy issues have all been younger, but we have also met younger couples who are open and "no issues" people like us! So, maybe more an experience/attitude/maturity thing that actual numbers...I don't know.

We recognize that there are different forms of the word "love." Don't get scared by that term...as we're Americans and don't have the ennui of all the intricacies of just one term for MANY different feelings and experiences. Have we "loved" another couple? Yes, I can say that Dan and I both love some of our lifestyle friends...in many ways. And one of the most erotic things for me now is to see him erotically touching and caressing and kissing another woman, at length! That part had to evolve for me, bcause the first time, it was indeed a bit strange.

And yes, we've had the "hmm...you don't do that w/ me" thoughts, which we've expressed. It usually is just a case of not having expressed that desire to each other before. The "I didn't know you like that." Because what he does with other women, he will GLADLY do with me. And viceversa. That's one of the fun things about this lifestyle...finding new ways to please each other based on things learned from being with others.

Deal with your emotions. No one is exempt from feelings that crop up from time to time, but don't let any of those feelings fester and become resentments. TALK to each other! If anything, this lifestyle not only opens your horizons (and your legs) but also your level of communication and depth with your mate.

Gina

San Antonio TX
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Well we don't have issues anymore because honestly I just kind of play the game now. And we do not play often so the frustration is less. You know, I'm totally NOT criticizing how others play, I'm not. Tort you know I think y'all are awesome girlie. When I get pissed is on 2, maybe 3 instances haha. 1. Shit talkers. I cannot STAND it when people say this and that without the intention or ability to do anything they said. If you tell me you routinely fuck for 3 hours I'm honestly going to expect at least 1 hour. Don't SAY you are a marathon fuck and then I get there and you cum in 10 minutes. 2. If you have issues with eroticism/sensual play say it BEFORE IM NAKED! We are very clear with people in what we like and don't like. But we have found that people will tell you what you want to hear to get you in there, knowing I think that most people will not be mean. If you do not want your husband to be at all intimate just say beforehand...we respect all boundaries. We may not play with you but hey, thats the way it goes. Do I think a woman should freak out over things like that? Nope. But who am I to say what another person should think. Just be real and honest from jump and I'm good to go. Shell


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And, Shell? Maybe your problem with wives with jealousy issues is ALSO just the age group of your swinging crowd. Trust me, it gets better as you get older. We have only ONCE encountered an issue with a jealous wife, and she was quite a bit younger than we are.

Jim

South Riding VA
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"When lots of people one after the other fuck you over, you tend to shift priorities."

Wow! I can only hypothesize a few reasons why you have experienced this.

1) You are so much younger than we are and playing with a much younger crowd than we do. We old farts are too tired & worn out to even THINK about breaking in a new spouse! LOL

2) Maybe you aren't spending nearly enough effort in screening potential playmates in advance of a play date.

3) Maybe you meet most of your swingers at clubs. We meet almost all our playmates over dinner first, or when we attend a party hosted by couples we know extremely well. We already know at least 2/3 of the attendees, and have reason to believe that friends & playmates of our host/hostess are highly likely to be people we would like as well.

4) Maybe it's a California attitude that isn't prevalent in northern VA and southern MD - our region.

I can't imagine continuing to swing if we were "fucked over by lots of people, one after the other." Maybe you should take a bit of a break and figure out why this is happening to you and what you could change in your approach that might give you more satisfying results.

Or maybe the "Left Coast" is just so different from the "Right Coast."

Jim

South Riding VA
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Jim, great points. Now I'm not promoting sexual anarchy in marriages so do not mis-understand me. And you are right, this is an evolution in comfort levels. But this is one reason why the couple/couple element is so frustrating to me. It seems as if he can never really relax with me because she is watching to make sure what the hell that woman is screaming about...then the next day I get an email saying "wow, he never does that to me." Yeah, thats just fantastic lol. So in truth on the rare occasions that we do play the single element is simply easier for us lately. I don't have to worry about a potentially threatened or jealous wife. I get his attention and I'm not sitting there thinking whether or not I'm being too loud for her....I've been told that I need to be less enthusiastic or the other wife's wonder what the hell their husband is doing to me that he doesn't do to them. I mean is this the 9th grade or WHAT. So I'll be honest...right now I have more fun talking to and playing with single men. There, I said it. Shoot me ha. Shell


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I really believe that a lot of couples struggle to deal with their spouses having sex with others. So there are "rules" about "go have fun, but not too MUCH fun." And they put limits on what they tolerate to make sure their spouses don't have too MUCH fun.

There's a lot of TALK among swingers about how much in love they are with their spouses and how much trust they have in each other, but the truth is an awful lot of TALKERS are really afraid that their spouses will become TOO fond of someone else. They will deny it, of course, but that's what we think whatever they say.

Unless you are willing to say to your spouse "Go have all the fun you want and do anything you want," and unless you can handle your spouse having affection for special playmates, then you are not TRULY trusting your spouse to "come home to you" in every sense.

It's a poorly adjusted individual who doesn't love anyone but their spouse. If you have regular special playmates, how can you NOT develop affection for them?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having feelings for others besides your own spouse. It's normal. It's healthy. And when you mix sex into the recipe, it is almost inevitable.

Those who "fuck and flee" are fleeing from the possibility of having feelings for playmates, IMHO.

When you can allow your spouse to have special feelings for special playmates, and STILL trust that they are coming home to you by preference, then you can swing without drama.

Most swingers build walls to protect against developing feelings for others. Only a few dare to have no walls and simply trust their spouses to love them more than anyone and continue to want to share life together.

There is just something WRONG about having sex with people and not caring about them at all, not caring if you ever see them again.

We see it a lot. We hear about it in this Forum. I expect there will be all kinds of denials in response to this post.

That's why, however, that most couples establish "rules" to play by when they start swinging. Some people can handle relaxing the rules over time. A few people even reach a stage where they have no rules at all.

People do the best they can to protect themselves from losing being "numero uno" in their spouse's eyes. Some people can just handle permitting each other more freedom than others can. It's OK. Just recognize that we all have limits of what we can deal with. And unless you don't give a shit if your spouse runs off with someone else, there are degrees of discomfort that can only be dealt with by rules, especially for those who haven't been swinging for years and years.

It took ME years and years to reach the level of comfort I now have with a "no rules at all" approach to swinging. There's nothing like witnessing for yourself that no matter how fond your spouse becomes of another person that they STILL consider you their "main squeeze" to develop your comfort zone over time.

Jim

South Riding VA
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TOPIC: New and having troubles