Are we naive or what: Swingers Discussion 133343

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TOPIC: Are we naive or what

Created by: xldscpl Original Starting post for this thread:
My understanding is that the lifestyle can encompass many different philosophies. We have run into a situation where we've become good friends with a couple, and they have been more active in it then we have. They have only played with other couples, where as our first encounter was with another male (MFM). One thing we liked with our encounter with the single male, is that there were no attachments created between ourselves and the third party. This third party had no problem with our self created 30 day rule (where we do not have intimate contact again with that couple or individual for 30 days). The reason for our caution, is we believe that our marriage should stand for intimacy. Though we maybe actually new to the process in terms of actually having sex with other party's, we still believe that party of our marriage should be reserved for only the two of us. So we're not into long term "relationships", we don't want it to turn into "love". Call me callus, but if a couple is looking for love with other couples, then maybe there is something wrong. I've heard that women in particular have a more difficult time with sex with strangers if they do not have the intimacy factor going, but intimacy can lead to allot more then just simple sex. I'm just curious, are there allot of people in the lifestyle who are looking for or craving love and closeness with others outside their marriage, or are they looking at it like we do, which is sex without attachment, which has magnified our communication actually and improved what we thought was a good marriage. The sex was exciting, stimulating, but after it was over we realized that it was all we wanted from the third party. Anyway, sorry if this came across a bit preachy, but please chime in if you think I'm a little off in left field?

Created by: xldscpl
Original Starting post for this thread:

My understanding is that the lifestyle can encompass many different philosophies.  We have run into a situation where we've become good friends with a couple, and they have been more active in it then we have.  They have only played with other couples, where as our first encounter was with another male (MFM).

One thing we liked with our encounter with the single male, is that there were no attachments created between ourselves and the third party.  This third party had no problem with our self created 30 day rule (where we do not have intimate contact again with that couple or individual for 30 days). 

The reason for our caution, is we believe that our marriage should stand for intimacy.  Though we maybe actually new to the process in terms of actually having sex with other party's, we still believe that party of our marriage should be reserved for only the two of us.   So we're not into long term "relationships", we don't want it to turn into "love".

Call me callus, but if a couple is looking for love with other couples, then maybe there is something wrong.  I've heard that women in particular have a more difficult time with sex with strangers if they do not have the intimacy factor going, but intimacy can lead to allot more then just simple sex.

I'm just curious, are there allot of people in the lifestyle who are looking for or craving love and closeness with others outside their marriage, or are they looking at it like we do, which is sex without attachment, which has magnified our communication actually and improved what we thought was a good marriage.   The sex was exciting, stimulating, but after it was over we realized that it was all we wanted from the third party.

Anyway, sorry if this came across a bit preachy, but please chime in if you think I'm a little off in left field?

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User Details are only visible to members.	We would prefer to form an inner circle of close (realllllly close) friends. So far, it seems to be working for us. I'm sure we might grow attached to someone; we are attached to certain vanilla friends too. But, if we've learned anything from this lifestyle, it is that what we have together cannot be broken... or replaced. We're inseparable. As Shel pointed out, affections we may hold for even "special" friends are hugely different from what we crave and receive exclusively from each other. And that feeling of security is fucking priceless! T/J
Charleston WV			Username hidden (204 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	As a single guy, I am always aware of the concerns of couples. I don't want to start any drama, I just want to meet new and interesting people, become friendly with them and have sex with them. If we become freinds in and out of the bedroom, that's great. If its just NSA sex, thats great too. Not everybody in the lifestyle is after the same thing, after all. And like the lady said, I have freinds I have made in the lifestyle that I adore as freinds. I'm no out to steal anybody from anyone, I just wanna share the sexual experiences, LOL... But I have spoken with some couples who have had problems with other people, even couples getting too clingy for their comfort.
Logan WV			Username hidden (1022 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	As with so many things in the lifestyle, if someone is doing something that makes you uncomfortable then it's time to review whether you want to continue your relationship with them. If, at some later time, you're more comfortable with the idea, you can re-visit it at Your pace. The idea of an emotional attachment can be quite threatening at first. It's important that you both have your 'comfort zone' and only change it when you're Both comfortable with that change. As time passes you'll find that some things you avoided before become more and more attractive to you both, and perhaps the reverse as well. It's called growth. :-) It's not the destination that's important, it's the journey together. JnD
Fairview Heights IL			Username hidden (631 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Thanks for the response. Actually what you said makes allot of sense. Perhaps the reason I asked this question was more of a situation where the "male" in the other relationship was pushing the emotional attachment "talk" somewhat to quickly for our comfort. I was just curious due to our limited experience if this was normal, or if the subject was so broad that you can't really classify something as normal or abnormal. I guess as you point out, different strokes for different folks.
Highland UT			Username hidden (2 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	xld, welcome to forums! Ummm, well you will find that different couples do things at their own pace and in their own way. As long as you are honest from the very beginning there is no right or wrong. I do see your point. Now given, remember that this is an evolution. We have met couples who initially were no kissing others at first and then moved on. What you like now may not be what you like in 6 months. With Jay and I, we do have our favorites. I am just not a random sex kind of girl. For me, chemistry, attraction and dare I say intimacy is a very important part of this. I am not here just for a fuck, I am here for an experience. Do I love them? Well honestly we DO have friends here that I do love as my friends, yes. We have a couple that we love to death and I have 2 single males who are amongst my close inner circle that yeah, I love them as my friends. Does that mean I am going to divorce my husband and run off into the sunset with them? LOL, no. I also have girls I work with that I love. Love encompasses all sorts of dynamics, to me love is not just the love I have for my spouse. What does this mean? I would not be a good play partner for y'all but there ARE people who are like y'all that ARE good play partners for you. You are not wrong. Just be straight with people and have fun.
San Marcos TX			Username hidden (23645 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	My understanding is that the lifestyle can encompass many different philosophies. We have run into a situation where we've become good friends with a couple, and they have been more active in it then we have. They have only played with other couples, where as our first encounter was with another male (MFM). One thing we liked with our encounter with the single male, is that there were no attachments created between ourselves and the third party. This third party had no problem with our self created 30 day rule (where we do not have intimate contact again with that couple or individual for 30 days). The reason for our caution, is we believe that our marriage should stand for intimacy. Though we maybe actually new to the process in terms of actually having sex with other party's, we still believe that party of our marriage should be reserved for only the two of us. So we're not into long term "relationships", we don't want it to turn into "love". Call me callus, but if a couple is looking for love with other couples, then maybe there is something wrong. I've heard that women in particular have a more difficult time with sex with strangers if they do not have the intimacy factor going, but intimacy can lead to allot more then just simple sex. I'm just curious, are there allot of people in the lifestyle who are looking for or craving love and closeness with others outside their marriage, or are they looking at it like we do, which is sex without attachment, which has magnified our communication actually and improved what we thought was a good marriage. The sex was exciting, stimulating, but after it was over we realized that it was all we wanted from the third party. Anyway, sorry if this came across a bit preachy, but please chime in if you think I'm a little off in left field?
Highland UT			Username hidden (2 post)

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TOPIC: Are we naive or what

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