115
Self Esteem : Swingers Discussion 207129101
Busy Swingers Forum - everything you always wanted to know about swingers.
SwingLifeStyle Swingers Personal Ads. | SwingLifeStyle Swingers Clubs

Busy Swingers Forum

Everything you always wanted to know about swingers.

Create A Free Account

HELP
FORUMSGeneral DiscussionsWomen TalkSelf Esteem
TOPIC: Self Esteem
Created by: Funones40 The original post for this thread was deleted.
GoTo Page: 1 2
 1 to 10 of 12   End
User Details are only visible to members.
Funones40, you've received a lot of great advice here over the last several days. I'm wondering what your thoughts are on this topic now. Would you care to share them with us?

Sheboygan Falls WI
Username hidden
(9116 posts)
User Details are only visible to members.
goofed up on posting that last post, so here it is correctly (yeah yeah, still a perfectionist):

Some of my most encouraging, positive, self-affirming moments have been when I've been naked in the middle of a group, having the time of my life, and feeling attractive, turned on so much so that I don't have a body, or a problem, or a flaw, and if I do? So what? It is not an issue at certain times.

My hope is that you will gain that confidence as well. And that it won't take you as long as it took me! When I have a "set back" moment, or day, or week, then I just try to remember the times when I feel attractive and "myself" the most.

Welcome. Gina

San Antonio TX
Username hidden
(7507 posts)
User Details are only visible to members.
im not offended at all sexy thang....and yeah, he is something else. I dont know how to explain it, I think because he is like family I put up with some of the shit he says. He is something else LOL. I have definately given it to him like he gives it to me, but in a lot of ways it is a self destructive relationship. Being the child of an alcoholic, I do know that I tend to hold onto relationships, even if they are bad for me. But we have been friends for a long time and I can't bear to lose him from my life.


Username hidden
(23992 posts)
User Details are only visible to members.
I learned several years ago (and I had to really think about this statement) that self esteem is believing what others say about you is true. Think about that.

Have you heard in your childhood and young adulthood that you didn't measure up to some invisible standard set by critical parents,siblings, teachers, friends, bullies,boyfriends, bosses, co-workers? And you believed this to the point where you automatically cut yourself down first so that no one else will get that chance before you do, and it won't hurt as bad?

Been there, darling. I was once the queen of low self esteem. And when I was reigning, I attracted, yes, people who perpetuated that. I already believed that about myself, so of course anything said by abusive people in my life just fortified what I already believed to be true.

But you know what? Something interesting happened along the way. As much as I was kept sheltered the first 40 yrs of my life, I did indeed run across a random person or two who flirted with me. Who thought I was pretty and sexy. ME! Me in my dumpy mom wardrobe. Me weighing 203 pounds. Me who never looked up from the ground. you get the picture?

I was the one who was my worst critic. I was the one who saw a fat slob in the mirror when I weighed 125 pounds and had a 27 inch waist. I was the one who automatically felt like crap when I made a mistake.

So, who had to change herself? I did. And how? Little by little. Replacing what I heard in my head somehow, anyhow, just a small step at a time. Dressing the way I WANTED to dress, in clothes that fit my body well at whatever size I happened to be at the time. Doing my hair, makeup, the way I wanted to, wearing colors and styles that suited me, writing what I wanted to write, listening to what I wanted to listen to, valuing my own opinion. This did not happen all at once.

My first step was putting behind me those people in my life who put me down for no reason, for any reason. That part was tough. Because that meant leaving an ex, alienating people I loved, leaving family members, putting physical and emotional distance between myself and those people I had in my life who were toxic to me.

Took a while. Made a bunch of mistakes along the way. And I'm not finished yet.

But you know what? There was someone, there were a few people who saw value in me. In my looks, my brains, my personality, my talents and skills. And strong enough people who wouldn't let me put MYSELF down anymore. Who took my face in his hands and lifted my head and said to me, "look up." That's what you need. And if you don't have a person like that in your life? Then you will need to become that person for yourself.

And there are people, anonymous people, who are in these forums who can help you. You just have to be able to put yourself out there a bit, and take a risk or two. Will everyone on here be positive? NO! There are always people who will not like you, will not be attracted to you, will prefer someone thinner, rounder, taller, thicker, shorter, you get the picture. But there will also be those who find you VERY attractive. They key is that you have to think that way before anyone else will.

Good luck to you. Have a friend take an attractive picture of you, don't "pose" in a fake seductive way that's not "you," but just a natural sitting and setting. Post that pic. Take you face out if you prefer anonymity. Write something about yourself in your profile. Take a risk and a chance.

Gina

San Antonio TX
Username hidden
(7507 posts)
User Details are only visible to members.
Not to overexpose some of the more private things you've told me Shelly, and I apologize if this is upsetting for me to say it, but in my opinion your "bff" is a corrosive, destructive force in your life. I'm not sure what compels someone to openly expose themselves to an abusive, demeaning personality like you do with him.

Chesapeake VA
Username hidden
(19931 posts)
User Details are only visible to members.
funones, I can def understand where you are coming from. My bff is one who is my age....yet only fucks very young women. He likes them about 22 years old, blonde, tall, pink nipples....basically the polar opposite of me hahaha. I am 40, dark hair and eyes, my pussy isn't pink and neither are my nipples. I am not 5'10" and I don't weigh 120 pounds. He really hits my ego hard sometimes, let me tell you. You cannot compare yourself to other women. I know its hard. Number one, it is our nature to compare ourselves to others and you open a magazine and are TOLD basically to compare yourself to others. You just need to know that your husband loves YOU. Jay likes bbw's. He loves to play with larger women with a log of padunkadunk lol. I have no ass and have had women ask me if that bothers me. Nope, it does not because I know who I am. Love you. Know that he loves you, that he is devoted to you. Yes, they may be attractive to him and are hot and sexy...but so are you.


Username hidden
(23992 posts)
User Details are only visible to members.
Fun, I'd love to pay you a compliment but you lack any type of pics.

Toledo OH
Username hidden
(1430 posts)
User Details are only visible to members.
Funones40 -- One thing I noticed in your post that hasn't been specifically touched on yet by the advice of others is that, it seems to me, you're discovering the specific features & traits that your partner finds attractive in other women. I can imagine as he looks at someone's pictures and comments on how pink her nipples are or what amazing legs she has, you are immediately thinking "but my nipples are brown" or "i have really short legs." Am I right? Its putting you back in to that same comparison-to-your-sister mind set? Unfortunately there's no magic wand to make that little voice in your head go away but communicating with him about exactly how you're feeling will help. I went through a similar situation with a man I met through SLS and we've been FWBs and more for over a year now. He'd be looking through SLS profiles and commenting on what he found appealing. He loves small breasts (i'm a DDD), he loves great legs (mine are my worst feature), he has a sexy high heel fetish (i can't wear them due to arthritis), he loves redheads (i'm a dirty blonde) etc... Get the picture? I sure as hell did and finally one day basically said "Why are you with me?" He was surprised until I recited a laundry list akin to the examples I provided above. Honestly by that point I felt there wasn't a single physical trait of mine that was on his wish list! We talked and I realized its not my parts, its the sum of them. He loves Holly ... all of me. My guess is that's the way your partner feels too. Even though your post admits you have self esteem issues, you also write that you know he loves you. that's a great foundation. Talk to him and let him know how you are feeling. If you BOTH enjoy swinging, you'll figure out a way to make it work for both of you.

Pittsburgh PA
Username hidden
(4449 posts)
User Details are only visible to members.
p.s. Insecurity comes *glaring* through in your personality in swinging. Confidence and attitude can make all the difference in the world in what makes someone attractive. If you've got Dallas Cowboy cheerleader look to you, but you don't really smile, are kind of withdrawn, don't make eye contact, and it's clear that you lack any confidence, it will really, really, show through.

Chesapeake VA
Username hidden
(19931 posts)
User Details are only visible to members.
My thoughts on this matter:

No matter who you are, there will always be someone hotter, cuter, smarter, better at (whatever). You should not feel threatened by these people or that you don't measure up to them.

These people exist whether you are a swinger or not. If you have insecurities about a more attractive woman as a swinger, why wouldn't you have one about a more attractive woman who was *not* a swinger?

If your relationship is a solid one based on trust and love you should have no concerns about your husband having fun with someone younger/thinner/tighter ass/better boobs, or who gives the world's best blowjobs. On the contrary - you should be happy that your husband had such a great time.

When my wife has been let down by a swinging experience, I feel let down too. I love it if someone blows her mind. What's there to be insecure about? it's not like I have any fear of her leaving me for the guy with the perfect dick.

Chesapeake VA
Username hidden
(19931 posts)
GoTo Page: 1 2
 1 to 10 of 12   End
TOPIC: Self Esteem