Self Esteem: Swingers Discussion 207129

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Self Esteem: Swingers Discussion 207129

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TOPIC: Self Esteem

Created by: Funones40	The original post for this thread was deleted.

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User Details are only visible to members.	Funones40, you've received a lot of great advice here over the last several days. I'm wondering what your thoughts are on this topic now. Would you care to share them with us?
Sheboygan Falls WI			Username hidden (7062 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	goofed up on posting that last post, so here it is correctly (yeah yeah, still a perfectionist): Some of my most encouraging, positive, self-affirming moments have been when I've been naked in the middle of a group, having the time of my life, and feeling attractive, turned on so much so that I don't have a body, or a problem, or a flaw, and if I do? So what? It is not an issue at certain times. My hope is that you will gain that confidence as well. And that it won't take you as long as it took me! When I have a "set back" moment, or day, or week, then I just try to remember the times when I feel attractive and "myself" the most. Welcome. Gina
San Antonio TX			Username hidden (6114 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	im not offended at all sexy thang....and yeah, he is something else. I dont know how to explain it, I think because he is like family I put up with some of the shit he says. He is something else LOL. I have definately given it to him like he gives it to me, but in a lot of ways it is a self destructive relationship. Being the child of an alcoholic, I do know that I tend to hold onto relationships, even if they are bad for me. But we have been friends for a long time and I can't bear to lose him from my life.
San Marcos TX			Username hidden (23750 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	I learned several years ago (and I had to really think about this statement) that self esteem is believing what others say about you is true. Think about that. Have you heard in your childhood and young adulthood that you didn't measure up to some invisible standard set by critical parents,siblings, teachers, friends, bullies,boyfriends, bosses, co-workers? And you believed this to the point where you automatically cut yourself down first so that no one else will get that chance before you do, and it won't hurt as bad? Been there, darling. I was once the queen of low self esteem. And when I was reigning, I attracted, yes, people who perpetuated that. I already believed that about myself, so of course anything said by abusive people in my life just fortified what I already believed to be true. But you know what? Something interesting happened along the way. As much as I was kept sheltered the first 40 yrs of my life, I did indeed run across a random person or two who flirted with me. Who thought I was pretty and sexy. ME! Me in my dumpy mom wardrobe. Me weighing 203 pounds. Me who never looked up from the ground. you get the picture? I was the one who was my worst critic. I was the one who saw a fat slob in the mirror when I weighed 125 pounds and had a 27 inch waist. I was the one who automatically felt like crap when I made a mistake. So, who had to change herself? I did. And how? Little by little. Replacing what I heard in my head somehow, anyhow, just a small step at a time. Dressing the way I WANTED to dress, in clothes that fit my body well at whatever size I happened to be at the time. Doing my hair, makeup, the way I wanted to, wearing colors and styles that suited me, writing what I wanted to write, listening to what I wanted to listen to, valuing my own opinion. This did not happen all at once. My first step was putting behind me those people in my life who put me down for no reason, for any reason. That part was tough. Because that meant leaving an ex, alienating people I loved, leaving family members, putting physical and emotional distance between myself and those people I had in my life who were toxic to me. Took a while. Made a bunch of mistakes along the way. And I'm not finished yet. But you know what? There was someone, there were a few people who saw value in me. In my looks, my brains, my personality, my talents and skills. And strong enough people who wouldn't let me put MYSELF down anymore. Who took my face in his hands and lifted my head and said to me, "look up." That's what you need. And if you don't have a person like that in your life? Then you will need to become that person for yourself. And there are people, anonymous people, who are in these forums who can help you. You just have to be able to put yourself out there a bit, and take a risk or two. Will everyone on here be positive? NO! There are always people who will not like you, will not be attracted to you, will prefer someone thinner, rounder, taller, thicker, shorter, you get the picture. But there will also be those who find you VERY attractive. They key is that you have to think that way before anyone else will. Good luck to you. Have a friend take an attractive picture of you, don't "pose" in a fake seductive way that's not "you," but just a natural sitting and setting. Post that pic. Take you face out if you prefer anonymity. Write something about yourself in your profile. Take a risk and a chance. Gina
San Antonio TX			Username hidden (6114 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Not to overexpose some of the more private things you've told me Shelly, and I apologize if this is upsetting for me to say it, but in my opinion your "bff" is a corrosive, destructive force in your life. I'm not sure what compels someone to openly expose themselves to an abusive, demeaning personality like you do with him.
Chesapeake VA			Username hidden (12120 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	funones, I can def understand where you are coming from. My bff is one who is my age....yet only fucks very young women. He likes them about 22 years old, blonde, tall, pink nipples....basically the polar opposite of me hahaha. I am 40, dark hair and eyes, my pussy isn't pink and neither are my nipples. I am not 5'10" and I don't weigh 120 pounds. He really hits my ego hard sometimes, let me tell you. You cannot compare yourself to other women. I know its hard. Number one, it is our nature to compare ourselves to others and you open a magazine and are TOLD basically to compare yourself to others. You just need to know that your husband loves YOU. Jay likes bbw's. He loves to play with larger women with a log of padunkadunk lol. I have no ass and have had women ask me if that bothers me. Nope, it does not because I know who I am. Love you. Know that he loves you, that he is devoted to you. Yes, they may be attractive to him and are hot and sexy...but so are you.
San Marcos TX			Username hidden (23750 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Fun, I'd love to pay you a compliment but you lack any type of pics.
Toledo OH			Username hidden (1084 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Funones40 -- One thing I noticed in your post that hasn't been specifically touched on yet by the advice of others is that, it seems to me, you're discovering the specific features & traits that your partner finds attractive in other women. I can imagine as he looks at someone's pictures and comments on how pink her nipples are or what amazing legs she has, you are immediately thinking "but my nipples are brown" or "i have really short legs." Am I right? Its putting you back in to that same comparison-to-your-sister mind set? Unfortunately there's no magic wand to make that little voice in your head go away but communicating with him about exactly how you're feeling will help. I went through a similar situation with a man I met through SLS and we've been FWBs and more for over a year now. He'd be looking through SLS profiles and commenting on what he found appealing. He loves small breasts (i'm a DDD), he loves great legs (mine are my worst feature), he has a sexy high heel fetish (i can't wear them due to arthritis), he loves redheads (i'm a dirty blonde) etc... Get the picture? I sure as hell did and finally one day basically said "Why are you with me?" He was surprised until I recited a laundry list akin to the examples I provided above. Honestly by that point I felt there wasn't a single physical trait of mine that was on his wish list! We talked and I realized its not my parts, its the sum of them. He loves Holly ... all of me. My guess is that's the way your partner feels too. Even though your post admits you have self esteem issues, you also write that you know he loves you. that's a great foundation. Talk to him and let him know how you are feeling. If you BOTH enjoy swinging, you'll figure out a way to make it work for both of you.
Pittsburgh PA			Username hidden (4121 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	VA, we were writing at the same time i think. I agree with all you've said too. Altho, this part: "Confidence and attitude can make all the difference in the world in what makes someone attractive." So true! ... but it is very hard to exude confidence when you're feeling bad about yourself. Possible, but not easy. Fun, not sure if you just have bad days sometimes, or this is a constant presence for you. Only you can answer that.
Kunkletown PA			Username hidden (2999 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Great advice Scandle, Kirby and Outdoors! :) Very wise words, hope you really heard them Fun. Speaking as a ....fellow low self esteem-er, I find this to be a very difficult hobby sometimes and step back when I feel too bad. It's just not worth it sometimes and am grateful that I have a husband that understands and never pushes. On the other hand, I do try to build my self esteem in any ways I can. (short of anything that needs anestesia though, lol) And attraction from others certainly helps, so getting out there is important. You say you "can't compete with the women you're husband is attracted to." I don't think you should be competing with anyone. Everyone is attracted to different things in a person. Just as I am sure you are not attracted to someone, someone else may be. I also think it is statistically impossible for you to have 'no' physically attractable traits to someone. So go with what you have and stop looking at everyone else. Do you even know what you have? You don't have any pictures, and your profile is very vague, so I don't really get an idea of who you are and certainly can't tell you how attractive I might think you are. And I don't know what exactly about your physical appearance that actually bothers you most? My question to you would be, Is it it really on the outside? ...cause those are usually the easiest ones to fix. Not sure growing up with thinking or knowing you were not the 'prettier' siblings has helped what you tell yourself now. I don't think swinging has to be a beauty contest. But I do agree that a good strong self esteem is paramount to truly enjoy this lifestyle. (as many have said here in the forums). If you need to step back for a little while and figure out how you can feel better about yourself, be sure to do so, no matter how your hubby feels about it. It's just not fun when you feel very bad about yourself. And this needs to be fun for BOTH of you. Much luck to you... and welcome to the forums :)
Kunkletown PA			Username hidden (2999 post)

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TOPIC: Self Esteem