How do you forgive: Swingers Discussion 204819

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TOPIC: How do you forgive

Created by: lost_j1 Original Starting post for this thread:
Our convos and the fact that I am sitting here (and should be up cleaning something) has me wondering. How do y'all get over things. Everyone does it their own way. There is the one that is so laid back, nothing bothers her. Then there is the one that truly forgives...and forgets. The lady that forgives, but never forgets....and the one that holds a grudge until doomsday never forgives and never, ever forgets. From what I have seen, most women I think....do forgive, but they never forget. And as soon as they are pissed off...its like they are as mad as the day it happened. My mom bounces between 2. IF she forgives you, she never forgets. Ever. IF she forgives you. Me? Depends on the situation. Most times I try and not pay attention. If I know about it I pay attention so I ask not to really know about things. If I know yes, I probably will forgive if I feel that what I am getting is sincere. And there is hurt where I do try to forgive...but I will never forget. I am a work in progress....I am not to the place where I ever truly forgive. I never forget.

Created by: lost_j1
Original Starting post for this thread:

Our convos and the fact that I am sitting here (and should be up cleaning something) has me wondering.  How do y'all get over things.  Everyone does it their own way.  There is the one that is so laid back, nothing bothers her.  Then there is the one that truly forgives...and forgets.  The lady that forgives, but never forgets....and the one that holds a grudge until doomsday never forgives and never, ever forgets.  

From what I have seen, most women I think....do forgive, but they never forget.  And as soon as they are pissed off...its like they are as mad as the day it happened.  My mom bounces between 2.  IF she forgives you, she never forgets.  Ever.  IF she forgives you.  

Me?  Depends on the situation.  Most times I try and not pay attention.  If I know about it I pay attention so I ask not to really know about things.  If I know yes, I probably will forgive if I feel that what I am getting is sincere.  And there is hurt where I do try to forgive...but I will never forget.  I am a work in progress....I am not to the place where I ever truly forgive.  I never forget.

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User Details are only visible to members.	Thank you. Good point.
San Antonio TX			Username hidden (6064 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Gina: When you see the scar and it reminds you of your brother do you smile and think how much you still love him. Does he love you? Things happen between siblings. Some are meaningful and some are meaningless. I hope when you think of your brother, you have, LET GO.
Denver CO			Username hidden (1188 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	You can think you've let go and something will trigger a memory. A physical example: when I was little, my younger brother scraped my arm with a toy metal helicopter. I have a scar. I rarely think about it. And no, it has LONG AGO stopped hurting, as I was maybe 6 years old at the time. But every once in a while, I'll turn my arm over and notice it still there. And think, Oh yeah. I'm reminded that I was hurt by him when we were scuffling, but there is no pain, or memory of pain. The same thing works pretty much for emotional hurts. And for some people, emotional hurts are turned into physical pain as well. Hence some tattoos, or my young students who are cutters, etc. At any rate, forgiveness isn't for the person who hurt you to feel better. You forgive so that YOU will feel better. So that person has no power anymore. Gina
San Antonio TX			Username hidden (6064 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	The head shrinkers will tell us all: "LET GO".
Denver CO			Username hidden (1188 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	I like how you said that you said: Until it heals into a scar. It describes my motto and outlook on this topic to the tee! The scar is there and will never go away, it's there for a reason, just in case I forget.
Colts Neck NJ			Username hidden (12302 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	I have come a very long way in forgiveness. My problem is, to me...a person should do what is right. I'm a very right/wrong person, black/white. If I am wrong I will tell you I am wrong. If I feel someone else is wrong I will not say anything to them, to me they should know what they did. I'll just walk away and never speak to them again. Jay gets after me about this, but its how I am. I won't go to anyone very often and say you did this to me. If you mention it to me I will address it, otherwise I will just no longer speak to you. I have issues in this area for sure. But the worst wounds for me are family. They piss me off LOL. Exfriends and coworkers yeah, I can walk away pretty easily. I am initially hurt deeply, then I'm over it. Family? Ugh, I stay pissed forever.
San Marcos TX			Username hidden (23665 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	It's a tough thing to do. And I don't think we're required to actually forgive AND forget. You can't make yourself forget something. But it no longer has to control or dominate your life in any manner. I'm like most of you said: I will take it and take it and take it, then one day will be once too much. And it's over. For example, I no longer have a brother. It's gone. I do not feel bad having no contact with him now, I do not have regrets about the sister I've always been for him, I do not feel sorry for him, nor will anything he has to say or do affect my life anymore. I'm done. And no, I don't go back either. Someone asked me why I didn't try going back to my ex, etc. After 20 years of trying, of counseling, of crying, of being hurt over and over, I knew that once I had an opportunity to get out, that there was no way I would/could ever go back. And that's me, I guess. I can take a lot A LOT, but once there is a line that's crossed, I'm done with it. I can forgive fairly easily enough. Where I have a problem is asking for forgiveness from someone I've hurt. If I sincerely appologize to you, you will know that I truly mean it, b/c that does not come easily to me. I think a lot of forgiveness comes from learning how to forgive ourselves for past mistakes. If you can learn to do that first, then forgiveness of others is a bit easier. It's not that you forget. But it becomes a scar rather than a freshly picked bleeding wound all the time. To NOT forgive is to keep picking at that would, that scab, never letting it heal, but rather it can get infected, fester, become a MUCH bigger wound. Forgiveness involves letting that wound heal till it is just a scar and doesn't hurt anymore. You may notice it sometimes, or see it and think, "oh yeah, that happened to me." But it's only a small thing then, not a throbbing sore. Gina
San Antonio TX			Username hidden (6064 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Anger and hatred take enormous amounts of energy. The opposite of love is not hate it is indifference, Removing the power of allowing that person to affect your mood, thoughts or feelings. Only when we move from hatred and bitterness towards indifference or acceptance are we really free of the pain that we felt. When it comes to people I admittedly don't have a lot of grey areas in regard to my feelings for them. I either love you and accept you or you simply do not exist in MY world. There are only 3 reasons to apologize for most things A) You're sorry you did what you did. B) You're sorry what you did hurt my feelings (disclaimer this does not necessarily mean you are sorry you did or said it lol) or C) You're sorry you got caught. If I find you are sincerely sorry for A or B , either is enough for me , I can and will forgive you and move forward. If I think for one second your answer is C) well you're just fucked lol.........and trust I ALWAYS ask people to clarify exactly what they are sorry for . Only when we understand each other can we move forward. My "forgiveness" is based entirely on the apology, if there is no apology there really is no forgiveness. Mrs Sav
Weaver AL			Username hidden (4103 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Its not that I suddenly hate the person but my emotional connection to them is just done. I might have to continue to deal with them but I no longer value their opinion nor care to have a relationship with them. I also dont get angry about the things they do because I just dont care. I am EXACTLY this say way Holly. I think it may be a self protection mechanism from my childhood, it was easier for me to completely block a person out of my existence than allow them to hurt me. There was a girl in our office, she drove everyone completely nuts. and they lost their patience daily. She did not bother me at all or in the least...because once a person goes there with me, its like they are no longer there. I do not think about them, I only acknowledge them if they confront me directly. I think if you do not expect anything from someone, as I did not expect anything from her, you are not bothered or hurt in any way.
San Marcos TX			Username hidden (23665 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	So, I think I am a little of all of the women you described depending on the situation. A man hurt me very badly once, so I just divorced his ass and never looked back. I did forgive in order to remain civil, but no, I will never forget ...even if I think I have. My father was a constant source of hurt, and like I said earlier, I forgave him completely, and forgot alot, ...but stayed guarded forever. A friend hurt me once, and it was awful because I missed the friendship very much, but I did forgive and forget. I understood actually. It's the way it had to be. And once a really good friend just hurt my feelings enough for me to remember this. I chose distance for a little while, and in time, we resumed our friendship. I forgave and forgot. (...even tho I still remember it, lmao) It really depends on the situation and how deeply you were hurt or disappointed. I would much rather move forward one way or another than to stay stuck with bad feelings about someone. If they cause me enough grief to effect my world, I can walk away much easier now than when I was younger. ****Now ....if you hurt my kids.... ah.... no I will not forgive or forget. EVER.
Kunkletown PA			Username hidden (2981 post)

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TOPIC: How do you forgive

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