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what to do if one or the other violates the rules : Swingers Discussion 207910
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TOPIC: what to do if one or the other violates the rules
Created by: fallscitybj
Original Starting post for this thread:
I am asking because my girlfriend and I have a rule we can play alone but only at the house.

She left today with one of her individual playmates and did not take her phone. They played somewhere else and I am not sure how to handle someone violating the rules.

We have the rules that we only play at the house when the other is in the house for safety's sake.

So my question is how do you handle it when someone violates the rules you have set up?

I mean do you not allow that person to play with the other person alone anymore? Or do you just let it slide once? or do you bring it up and talk about it?

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I think there have been excellent posts in reply, but a few things that I would add that are worth thinking about.

(1) One way to avoid "game day" decisions is to have a simple discussion with everyone involved. Everyone sitting down and making the rules clear prevents most temptation to "be flexible" with them once blood starts running hot and judgement is less uncompromised.

(2) Along those lines, if this guy knew about the rule about playing at their house and played loose with it, this story reads very differently from if he didn't. We'll work out anything with eachother, but someone else being untrustworthy means "it's done" for them.

(3) Intimacy and adventure invite human beings to get carried away. Half of a problem is typically what happened, and half is how you choose to react to it. Over the years - especially when first starting out - we've both gotten carried away ourselves and been with other couples who did. The couples that were able to talk like adults and not create drama about it - including us with eachother - are often surprised at how easy it is to move past it. Getting bent as a reaction is what often creates the relationship trauma.


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Glad to hear everything worked out for you both. Breaking rules with your SO is never a good thing in the LS and can lead to a lot of nasty fights, losing friends and even break ups between partners. Communication is the key, and a whole lot of trust.

Shamokin PA
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Yeah we did sit down and talk and she explained her side and I explained mine. We have come to the decision that we can play alone away from the house as long as we both know the person and we both are honest about it and we also take our cell phones so we can let each other know what it going on.

Falls City OR
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Mrs. Sav, I remember reading that comment from the OP somewhere else, too, so agree that their rules need to be defined more clearly.

fallscitybj, I just looked at your profile to see if the play-only-at-the-house rule was stated there, and it isn't, but I did notice you've listed a yahoo email address. FYI - SLS has a policy against that.

Sheboygan Falls WI
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I think you should stand your ground. ; )

Amherst Canada
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I agree with you 100%, in the LS you have to have that trust otherwise why continue?

Shamokin PA
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In a previous post (see below) he clearly says they can play away from the house so long as they tell each other or take photos.

Shrug what do I know lol What I do know is if Mr Sav conscientiously made a choice and said "F#ck our rules, I can do what I want " I would agree completely....he could, he just can't do it with me. Once my trust is broken there is no recovery. Our escapade into the lifestyle would be over before he finished zipping his pants. We are here because I trust him , violate that trust and the fiber of what makes it possible to be successful swingers goes out the door. Respect of any boundaries in place is paramount in my opinion to being successful.

Mrs Sav

Anniston AL
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I think he means their rule is they can play alone, but only at their house, and she left to go play alone somewhere else

Shamokin PA
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" But we have given each other the option to play away from the house too. All we ask each other for is honesty. Like is she plays when I am at work tell me Lol hell even take pic's. Same with me. "

Above is a comment you made in regard to playing alone so I am confused is the rule to play in the home or isn't it. If I am confused perhaps she is too.

If the rule was clear than trust has been broken. Playing with that men again is not suggested but the fact of the matter is he didn't break your rule, she did. Lets put the responsibility for that on her shoulders where it belongs. Personally I suggest you both take a step back from the lifestyle and re evaluate where you are and whee you're going with this. It sounds to my like you're sending mixed messages and it also sounds like she isn't really concerned with your feelings on who, how or where she plays . As for anger , if she broke a rule you have every right to be angry. That's a normal reaction but be careful to not use that anger negatively. A screaming match isn't going to help anything.

Mrs Sav

Anniston AL
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After all is said and done, we no longer play with that person, might be just me, but you broke the rule one time, there will not be a next time. And talk, without arguing or making accusations, just be honest and talk, then reaffirm your love with each other.

Shamokin PA
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TOPIC: what to do if one or the other violates the rules