one does, one doesnt, etc on the subject of attraction: Swingers Discussion 198704

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TOPIC: one does, one doesn't, etc on the subject of attraction

Created by: twixters Original Starting post for this thread:
We've been doing this for not quite a year, so we still run into "new" situations and I'm just not sure how to properly handle this so no one is upset. I could sure use advice as I'm sure it's not just us. We only play together. Defined by us as at the same party, some house, etc. This, to us, does NOT mean that either is obligated to play with the spouse. We were at a larger destination party recently and had had too much to drink, which didn't help. A woman wanted to play with my man, and we were both fine with that, but I was really not at all interested in her man. I got pulled into submitting, which was not really okay, but I wasn't going to cause a scene UNTIL the woman decided that she and my man needed to go to the other side of the room. I tried to nicely catch my man's attention so he knew that I was not okay, but it ended up causing a scene and hurting feelings. What are some things one can do when the other couple thinks that if one is okay with playing you both MUST be? How do you handle this without hurting anyone's feelings?

Created by: twixters
Original Starting post for this thread:

We've been doing this for not quite a year, so we still run into "new" situations and I'm just not sure how to properly handle this so no one is upset.  I could sure use advice as I'm sure it's not just us.

We only play together.  Defined by us as at the same party, some house, etc.  This, to us, does NOT mean that either is obligated to play with the spouse. 

We were at a larger destination party recently and had had too much to drink, which didn't help.  A woman wanted to play with my man, and we were both fine with that, but I was really not at all interested in her man.  I got pulled into submitting, which was not really okay, but I wasn't going to cause a scene UNTIL the woman decided that she and my man needed to go to the other side of the room.  I tried to nicely catch my man's attention  so he knew that I was not okay, but it ended up causing a scene and hurting feelings.  

What are some things one can do when the other couple thinks that if one is okay with playing you both MUST be?   How do you handle this without hurting anyone's feelings?

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User Details are only visible to members.	We have done the same.... while we LIKE playing as 4somes, we find that it isn't often the case where all 4 want to play. So, when we go to parties, we each play with who we like (subject to the other's veto, which is rarely exercised).
Chesapeake VA			Username hidden (11767 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	We are a "Same Room" couple for the most part too, however we have found a house party that we attend where we modified the "same room" rule to be same party, some house, etc. This, allows one or both of us to play with one half of a couple and that neither is obligated to play with the other spouse.
Sebastian FL			Username hidden (239 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	I'm glad it's working out for you twixters. Thanks for the compliment Kat and sirandp. At that time, I was not an experienced swinger, but the thought of having sex with someone who was not 100% into it... is very disturbing. Partly based on that experience, we decided to have a rule to not play on the first meeting. We think it's a good idea to meet and then make sure there's four way compatibility with a couple... with a single guy it's easier-- it's just my wife's decision. We did break that rule once when we were at a resort and had a dinner M&G with a couple we met on SLS. There was so much chemistry that we began to play under the table... like the twixters we have a code, but when I saw my wife stroking the husband under the table, and I had his very sexy wife push my hand down her pants to show me how wet she was... we decided to have "dessert" in our room.
Gibsonia PA			Username hidden (6622 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Thanks to all for the great advice and input! and thank you for the super sweet compliment!!! We did set up rules for play and what we were okay with in situations we thought of... we just hadn't been in THAT situation, so we didn't talk about it before. We have code words for when we are with couples and that has worked well the few times we have had to use them. And, I agree, great job Mr on making sure the girlfriend was okay!!! I've clued in that the girls weren't really into swapping and told them that whatever they wanted, we were cool with - from just hanging out and talking / eating to only girl play or full swap... we want everyone to be comfortable. And, we did talk this morning about drinking a lot less when we do that sort of thing in the future! We have found a few local party locations (house or venue) that we are totally at ease in and are even okay with the other leaving the room to get some water at this point, as we know enough people that the guys are WONDERFUL and watch out for the others' women for them! They are great at blocking unwanted attention! Kuddos to all the men who do this for who ever is around!!!!!
Folsom CA			Username hidden (3 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	"The way you handled that situation was perfect and that girl is so lucky that she was with YOU" I'd like to second this... good job! "Mrs twix, I'm sorry that happened to you and you are stunningly hot, BTW" I'd also like to second this, because, well...
New Market MD			Username hidden (193 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Twixters ~~ Welcome to the forums and very sorry you had that experience. Everyone plays differently, which I'm sure you've learned. We like to be in control, which we feel that house/destination or hotel parties really aren't conducive to. Plenty of our friends enjoy these parties, but it's just not our cup of tea. We prefer more time to get to know a couple/single and want to avoid the dilemma so many of you talk about - one spouse is hot, the other is not. Just my 2 cents. Alcohol - we NEVER have more than 2 drinks tops when we're playing. From experience, play is so much better this way! Wow, Mr. Leeza -- you are such a sweetheart! The way you handled that situation was perfect and that girl is so lucky that she was with YOU...so many other men would have jumped her bones without a second thought. Kat
Morgantown PA			Username hidden (2965 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Mrs twix, I'm sorry that happened to you and you are stunningly hot, BTW... I'm sure that you recognize that too much alcohol can add to the problem, but you both need to make sure that you are not in that position again. We have also felt pulled into situations... once at a club and another time at a large house party. We did not have an experience like yours (with a scene), but we found it tough to get away from people with whom we did not feel any chemistry. So, we have found from experience that large groups are not for us, and we limit our play to one on one evenings with people that we have established that there is enough attraction to take the next step and play. We also have had great times at small house parties. Out first lifestyle experience was at a house party and we saw some unfortunate drama-- the male in a couple approached us (he did all of the talking)... she was really beautiful and my wife was interested in him, so we went off to a bedroom. I could tell that she was uncomfortable, so I asked her what was wrong... she said that she was not sure if she wanted to do it but that she was only there because her boyfriend (who, by then, was already fucking my wife doggy style) really wanted to. I told her that I would never push her into anything that she did not want to do, so I suggested that she just watch for a while and I'd wait for her to come to me if SHE was interested. I then joined my wife and the guy... I had my wife suck me as he fucked her from behind. He asked what was wrong with his girlfriend, and I said that she was having second thoughts... after we finished playing, we quickly had another couple ask to join us and had our first full swap experience. As we were engaged in play with the second couple, we could hear the guy and his shy girlfriend arguing. Even though the drama was not between my wife and I, we decided to be more careful, and more selective in the future. Best wishes to you twixters.
Gibsonia PA			Username hidden (6622 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	I assume that you agreed on your swinging guidelines before you began your Lifestyle activities. If you didn't, you should have. And when you are in a swinging environment, stick with them. Don't do any ad hoc stuff that will tick your SO off. Having said that, if -- when you get home -- you decide that you ought to modify your rules to fit new possibilities, then do so. As you go your way in the lifestyle you must always be in agreement as to what you will or won't do. As time goes by, you will gradually develop a mutually comfortable arrangement that will afford each of you the greatest pleasure while preserving your relationship with one another.
Charlotte NC			Username hidden (544 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	As a man, I defer to my lady on this. If she says no I don't care how hot the other lady is, it's not going to happen. I would never put her in a position to "take on for the team". This is the way it was decided from the get go.
Orlando FL			Username hidden (11 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	You really can't. There are going to be hurt feelings. The difference is how the people handle it. If they don't handle it well that isn't your fault. Best thing to do is always be honest. Carrie
Corpus Christi TX			Username hidden (16525 post)

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TOPIC: one does, one doesn't, etc on the subject of attraction

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