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TOPIC: Swing Golden Rule questions

Created by: luvsbareskin Original Starting post for this thread:
I have run into several people over the years that specifically did not like to watch their spouse have real heterosexual sex, and that for emotional reasons, history, jealousy, etc. So swinging for that person did not include them really enjoying their mate having heterosexual fun during an extracurricular sex act. Sometimes they might allow a heterosexual swap, like the opportunties it gave them, but not like what it offered their mate -- so they didn't like to watch it happen. I am of the opinion that a woman -- even if she was bi, should naturally be alarmed at a husband who would only allow swinging in a form that would provide him with heterosexual partners but he would deny that to her. Even if that would be OK with her due to strong girl attraction, I would still think it should throw up an alarm flag and become at least a subject for thoughtful discussion. Should someone be concerned that their partner would allow and insist that swinging only involve homosexual variety for their spouse, but that they personally should get heterosexual opportunities from the activity? I know the answer for me, having known quite a few people who would design their swing life in this way and seeing issues develop for them over time. I am interested in what other swingers might say.

Created by: luvsbareskin
Original Starting post for this thread:

I have run into several people over the years that specifically did not like to watch their spouse have real heterosexual sex, and that for emotional reasons, history, jealousy, etc.  

So swinging for that person did not include them really enjoying their mate having heterosexual fun during an extracurricular sex act.  Sometimes they might allow a heterosexual swap, like the opportunties it gave them, but not like what it offered their mate -- so they didn't like to watch it happen.

I am of the opinion that a woman -- even if she was bi, should naturally be alarmed at a husband who would only allow swinging in a form that would provide him with heterosexual partners but he would deny that to her.  Even if that would be OK with her due to strong girl attraction, I would still think it should throw up an alarm flag and become at least a subject for thoughtful discussion.

Should someone be concerned that their partner would allow and insist that swinging only involve homosexual variety for their spouse, but that they personally should get heterosexual opportunities from the activity?  I know the answer for me, having known quite a few people who would design their swing life in this way and seeing issues develop for them over time.    I am interested in what other swingers might say.

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User Details are only visible to members.	Sometimes its just the opposite of insecurity. We have seen couples at parties were the man was clearly pushing his wife in the direction he wanted to go, ie pulling her away from a conversation where she was clearly being flirtatious in order to talk to us instead. It was a red flag when we heard the phrase, "the compass, honey" muttered under his breath when she tried to return to her previous conversation. Now, mind you, it was no serious infraction, but it did let us know not to consider playing with them. I don't like seeing a woman, or man for that matter, pimped out in that way. I like to see spouses that are loving and considerate to each other, and clearly put their spouse ahead of their swing desires.
Cocoa FL			Username hidden (645 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Dan will like your golf reference, Shel... We see couples who struggle with this "issue" back and forth, in and out of the lifestyle, take many breaks from it while going through their concerns. We don't have these issues/dramas, so it's not a worry for us. You have to have trust in this, bottom line. Trust and respect. G.
San Antonio TX			Username hidden (5609 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Yes, completely agreed E. I don't know though....I know more than one lady who left her husband for another woman. And I know one man who left his wife for another man lol. I guess its like some men do not like the idea of their woman playing with dildos....any other cock in the equation simply is competition, even if that cock is made of latex. You know though, I don't know if that is insecurity though. I don't know, I try and not analyze how other people do things. I know people who only do 3somes because of insecurity reasons as well. Shit, go figure girl lol....I say just do what makes you both happy, I try and mind my own business.
San Marcos TX			Username hidden (23661 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Should someone be concerned that their partner would allow and insist that swinging only involve homosexual variety for their spouse, but that they personally should get heterosexual opportunities from the activity?" I am just now reading the various posts in this thread. I have no idea why this is alot of people's thought process but for most people I have seen...for whatever reason...same gender sex is not seen as "cheating" almost as if its a sexual mulligan. For whatever reason, alot of men esp. do not mind who and how many women their wives fuck...but ANY man they want to know about. I believe you just do not think your spouse will leave you for another person of your same gender. Do I think it should be alarming? Shit, I have no idea. I think that yes, why does that person not trust his wife to fuck another man. But like others said, how people play is their own business.
San Marcos TX			Username hidden (23661 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	2wants, I think your recognition and the way you do it is reasonable. And nobody seems to feel good with the term "allowed" but let's face facts. People are in contracts with their spouses and almost all of these contracts involve a certain amount of sexual proprietorship. "Allowed" is just not a politically correct term on a swing site. In my marriage the term is very lowercase. And we actually own one another when it comes to sexual fidelities -- fidelity simply meaning that we must be predictable enough to forge a cooperative relationship. The practical effect is either of us can do anything we really want to do and as yet we have met all threats productively by making a case to the other. The case I outlined in this thread is not one of mutual ownership or mutual anything -- it involves double standards against the will of another partner -- or psychological coercion to get compliance in such an effort. I have come to consider it the most common form of psychological abuse among those who aspire to be swingers. It is masked as love or commitment, or weakness or human nature. Actually I think it is abuse.
Brookhaven MS			Username hidden (153 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Hello, hubby here. My wife and I love 3somes more than being with couples and as we all know single guys are easier to find than single ladies in most cases. So we have more mfm than fmf and that is fine with me. Altho I do love the attention of two women very much. I love to see her enjoying herself and she loves it when we get the chance to be with a woman. For me knowing that she is happy is better then me worrying about my pleasure because when she is so into the sex I can't be more pleased than that. I don't feel I am "allowing" her to have sex with other men I am truly happy seeing her happy and I know she feels the same way about me. So even if it seems we have more mfm than fmf I don't feel cheated or jealous because I get so much from her pleasure it's almost lopsided in my favor. We all swing in different ways and for different reasons and what may seem unfair on the surface to others might very well not be so unfair to the people doing it. I wish every man could see his wife the way I see mine because it would make swinging and life so much happier and fun. IMHO.
Duquesne PA			Username hidden (32 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	After doing the swang thang for a great many years I have come to the conclusion that noticing why people do what they do is actually MORE interesting and often more fun than having sex with most folks. For us, it's no less important than understanding STD's if we are going to be able to avoid the drama. I just got tired of telling myself to look the other way and not notice. I started to feel like ignoring the obvious or -- worse -- feeding the beast some pussy -- actually rewarded the behavior.
Brookhaven MS			Username hidden (153 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Had a fortune cookie at a Chinese restaurant last week that said: The desire of love is to give. The desire of lust is to get. Damn! Jim
South Riding VA			Username hidden (8158 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	I think Mike that the tenor of the swing world is such that if someone would find a couple where the man was constrained and the woman was free for both of the other couple to play with most folks would shoot off some fireworks in joy. I don't think imbalance in availability is always pathological, though. Life is complicated and we can never know the totality of what people are working out. And there is no really good reason that everybody must always play every time there is fun. I will confess this, though about lopsided pairings and swinging. Girl/girl is fine with me. And one guy there to hope they both need some help with some penetration seems to be the guiding light of the swing world. Especially with beginners. But truth is two men are a better match for one woman -- for a lot of reasons. The man that recognizes that and treats his heterosexual or bisexual wife to it is smarter, more courageous and more manly than the one who seems determined to ensure they only do girls. I would like some opinion from those who have their reasons for lopsided play, though.
Brookhaven MS			Username hidden (153 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Both must be completely comfortable with being on a level playing field or some serious rethinking needs to occur. There is no way either party can dictate a double standard to the other. The most conservative action should apply to both the man and the woman or drama and damaged relationships can and will occur. The man and the woman need to discuss, discuss then discuss. When you finish that, discuss it more until you're both on the exact same page. Also, someone gave us some great advice very early on; They said that my husband and I should agree to forgive each other, in advance, if there were mistakes made for things we hadn't discussed. The adventures can a lot more fun when you both travel along the same road. ~ Jen
Moosic PA			Username hidden (1021 post)

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