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Soft Swinging and What the Issue is With Others : Swingers Discussion 191711
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TOPIC: Soft Swinging and What the Issue is With Others
Created by: Happy_Cpl_48653
Original Starting post for this thread:
Hi Everyone! We have a question that seems to be a big hangup for everyone in our area. We enjoy the scene and the lifestyle, but we're just not that into having actual sex with a different partner. While H (the female half) is bi, it has to be with the right woman. If she's not attracted, nothing's going to happen. T (the male half) is straight, and while we enjoy "trading pleasures" orally and having a "hands on" approach, he's not interested in actually penetrating another woman, as much as H isn't interested in being penetrated by another man. Why is that such a hang-up for most couples on here?

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A simple "So what are you guys into?" type question while hanging out and getting to know each other goes a long way in finding out if your looking for the same things.

Odessa TX
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Thanks for sharing the other side of the perspective, ugot. We are always clear about our boundaries up front when meeting people at swingers' events, but even we've met people (supposed swingers) who are really uncomfortable just talking about sex.

Sheboygan Falls WI
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Lately we have lately been encountering the opposite problem. We believe that full swap should be the “default” assumption, and that soft swappers should know this and be up front.

We are full swappers, and have had more than one experience of meeting people at parties who are soft swappers but don’t mention this until much later in the evening, and then become offended and seething because we are no longer into the “slam on the brakes at 80 mph” thing. We used to do soft swap in the beginning, and still do sometimes with certain couples from that time, but once you get into full swap then it is difficult to feel satisfied going back to so many rules and limits.

Furthermore, our experience with soft swappers is that they are often not even full-steam-ahead as to those “soft” things they are supposedly into within their soft limits. Often it looks very much to us like a shaky compromise within that couple, and not a true team decision.

As the M half, most often this means as well that the other guy is as into it w my wife as he is allowed to be, but the other F gives off all the uncertainty vibes a guy encounters on a “vanilla” first date. One common sign is the other F looking over my shoulder the whole time at how much her man is digging on my Mrs. One time the other girl seemed like she was going to cry, and it seemed as though her man was oblivious.

I am not a pushy guy one bit, I am sensitive and perceptive of a woman’s ambivalence, so this is not at all fun for me, and in fact just makes me feel “creepy.” Twice now I have pulled the plug on playtime when it was apparent to me that only three people in the room were really into it.

Then there are the supposedly “Bi” soft swap Fs who seem not to be even very “curious” to play much if at all with the very pretty and sweet and feminine Mrs. Ugot2. So, it really ends up being much less than “everything except intercourse.” Bascially, the other guy gets a great blow job from an eager F playmate (my Mrs.), whilst I get a boatload of internal moral conflict. Thanks!

You may ask, “Well, why don’t you just clarify this for yourselves right up front?” The answer is that, although of course we are at the party in the hopes of hooking up, we do not view people as mere objects, but socialize and are friendly with everyone, not just people we want to f***. We feel our friendliness and lack of snobbery in this regard has been taken advantage of way too many times by soft swappers (and people who should know that we probably wouldn’t want to play with them) even though we think they are nice people and we like them on that level.

So, while much of the discussion on this thread has been about how soft swappers “should not let anyone pressure them into doing what they don’t want” (quite true), we find too many soft swappers who are just fine with trying to pressure us into what we don’t want (the less-than-half-way encounter, the ambivalent vibes). This goes both ways, not just one way.

Albany NY
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I must say that I think it's about a sort of "screening" - whether it's trying to eliminate drama or jealousy or what... I've met, in parties and this site, many many couples in my local area and you wouldn't be able to tell their level of drama jealous etc from ANYTHING (age, bi/gay/straight/trans, gender, drinker or not, smoker or not, D/D free or not so on and on and on). I've met full swappers who seem jealous and I've met some who don't play at all and enjoy the voyeurism here and there who are jealous! 1 I don't think you CAN... ok better word SHOULD engage in the LS if you're a jealous or territorial person - no one should be trying to steal your favorite "bone", pardon the pun, here! As for us, we haven't because we haven't met the right couple for it yet but he has had sex with other women with me there enjoying every second - it is kind of trial-by-fire if you take it *too* slow you won't know your boundaries *too* fast and you may wind up hurt or hurting the one you love so again maybe it's some way ppl think they're "pre" screening people

Charleston SC
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when you allow another person/couple to influence or pressure you to do something you are not comfortable with...you are then here for them, not for you. You do not owe anyone an explanation why or why not. And anyone that gets pissy, argues or behaves in a passive aggressive manner...well that is just not someone you want to be around anyways, is it?


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Thank you to everyone who was kind enough to reply! We have basically been doing as suggested, bide our time, stick to our guns and wait....but as we all know, that can be very frustrating. ~T&H

Roscommon MI
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Happy, we are another soft swap couple that chooses to remain so for our own private reasons. The advice and feedback others have written here is very good. While it seems that most of the LS couples we've met are full swap, there are many whose preferences are the same as ours. It has taken some time to find them, but certainly worth it. Stay true to yourselves, be patient in your search, and until you find the right couples, enjoy fantasizing about what you will want to do with them!

Sheboygan Falls WI
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Everyone who holds out for their preferences has some difficultly finding like minded couples with whom they feel attraction as well as compatibility . It is time consuming and requires effort on your part .Your preferences may differ from what others seek but as I said no matter what you seek many are seeking something entirely different. It's the nature of the beast. Everyone here shares the same issue; finding the "right" mix for a great evening or friendship....you are not alone.

Mrs Sav

Anniston AL
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Do what you feel comfortable with, no excuses and no explanations needed. There are lots of soft swap couples. We are a full swap couple, but we've certainly had fun with our soft swap friends. After we get turned on, they get turned on, have fun, we always have each other to have intercourse with, and no one is better at it for me than my husband. It's a win/win no matter what the preferences. We have friends who just like to watch and be watched. Okay...we still enjoy our time with them.

Maybe we're a bit weird, but our goal is sexual fun, not always sexual satisfaction...if that's not how it goes during the play time, it's okay...we still satisfy each other. And okay, disclaimer: I'm rarely totally satisfied. I'll have orgasms, but I'm a "the more I get the more I want" girl usually. And my husband is one of those guys who rarely orgasms with anyone else but me. Shrug. We don't worry about it. There have been a limited amount of people who can make me cum so much or so intensely that I've actually put up my hand and said "stop, I've had enough." ha.

We've always said that our favorite sex partner is each other. BUT, we certainly have had a lot of good times having sex with others. Don't let anyone try to put down your preferences, including YOURSELVES. Do what you like. You may have a harder time finding partners, but so what? Once you do, I'm sure you'll enjoy it all the more for holding out for someone compatible.

San Antonio TX
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Happy, Rest assured you are not alone. Every couple I know in the LS has been asked to do something their not comfortable with, suffer through criticism from others for doing things different than someone else, having different tastes, desires or preferences. It is the nature of the beast. To hear some tell if you do not do it (insert whatever) this way you're doing it wrong, you're insecure, you suffer from jealous issues blah blah blah. It doesn't matter what you do or do not do others will completely disagree with you. BIG DEAL. If I had a nickle every time I heard that we must be terribly insecure because we do not ever play in separate rooms I 'd be a rich women. We play together because we enjoy watching and occasionally interacting with each other ....pretty simple. What they don't realize is that when they make comment like that I want to turn the table and say "why can't you have sex in the same room as your partner? What are you hiding? Do you have jealousy issues ? Does it bother you to watch your wife with someone else? Now than I don't believe most people who play in separate rooms have any of those issue , it just a preference and what they enjoy BUT I do like to point out that while they view us as somehow flawed a person can read a lot of things into their preferences to that aren't necessarily true. You're new, take your time, do what feels right to you, never allow anyone to make you feel bad about your choices, never feel you have to defend your choices and always respect the choices of others and constantly communicate with your partner, dissect every encounter expressing what you liked or didn't like. This is a time for learning and growing together. The only rule book is the one you make with each .

Mrs Sav

Anniston AL
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TOPIC: Soft Swinging and What the Issue is With Others