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Sincerely hoping for honest, helpful advice : Swingers Discussion 176115
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TOPIC: Sincerely hoping for honest, helpful advice
Created by: dane50
Original Starting post for this thread:
Been a member for 7 yrs now and I'm making my first post on the forum, hoping to get some considerate help from some compassionate members. A few yrs before joining SLS, my wife and I started in the l/s kind of by accident when we ran into acquaintance of mine during one of our date nights out. He was very attr and personable and my wife invited him to join us. We spent the evening laughing and having fun. He and my wife were dancing and flirting, and as I smoked at time, I was playfully banished from our booth to smoke at the bar leaving them alone numerous times. They got along so well that night, that over the next couple weeks, she and I talked about it a lot and he became part of our date nights; which quickly evolved into a 4 yr swinging experience of him being her 'intimate male friend' and me being her second man of the night. When it ended, we joined SLS as our first and only organized attempt at looking for another IMF. We found many of interest, but no profiles that looked as though they'd live up to what we had and she 'retired' from the l/s, urging me to continue the lifetime membership we have here to share my experience from our years with other women looking for an IMF, so I redid our profile. Sadly, about a yr later, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. Surgery and the initial chemo and radiation treatments seemed to work, but 4 yrs ago it came back; metastasized into stage 4. Subsequent chemos keep it at bay, but at the expense of physically & mentally making routine life difficult and sex nonexistant. I love my wife and am with her til death do us part. I am her caregiver and have taken over most of the housekeeping, but I'm also human and the stress of caring for her and the house, working 48-56 hrs a week and these past years without sex have been taking its toll on me as well. I have neither the time nor the desire for a prostitute or drunken bar room pickup quickie and after a 3 yr break getting her cancer under control, I again updated my profile and really hoped I could meet some friends here. Honestly, at this point just having a friend to hold and feel close to would be like a gift from heaven to me. So far though, I seem to be a victim of the single male issue, even worse the married single male 'cheater' stereotype. This didn't seem to be as much of a problem when we first joined, in fact my wife was looking for married single males as she felt she'd be safer and more appreciated by a married IMF. In reality, I am a very normal guy, considerate, respectful, polite and very willing to please. I actually do read the profiles and only respond to ones that seem to have interests similar to mine. What is hard is sending off a response to someone whose profile 'looking for' section is almost identical to mine and being totally ignored...no response what-so-ever. I'm seriously getting to the point of just giving up. I thank God every day that my wife is hanging in there and will hopefully be around for a while yet, but am I to look forward to living the rest of my life without sex? Reality is, that I'm already close to an age where I will be of even less interest to anyone here, though it's currently at a zero level anyway. I hope if you've read this far, that you'll also check my profile. I could use some heartfelt advice please. Dane.

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In your position, I'd be explicit that even though your wife can't participate in sexual activity she's willing to talk with anyone who might be interested. That should short-circuit the 'single male syndrome' and let everyone know upfront that she's a part of the deal, even if it's a veto. I'd let her be as involved as she's willing (and able) to be, and put that right up front in your profile.

JnD


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Bump

Belle Chasse LA
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Wow. I never expected this topic would generate so much interest and I thank everyone for their advice. I especially appreciate those who have been in similar situations and have shared that. I have even had personal replies in my mailbox from this. I'm not sure I can post replies to all of you, but will try to do so in general. I would like to say that I'm certainly not opposed to an escort on any kind of moral grounds, just that I'd prefer to have a female friend rather than a 'timed friend for pay', but I am interested in that as an option. The bigger issue of my wife being involved in some way is a bit more complex and anyone who hasn't been in a situation involving a debilitating disease every day may not understand. After her treatment, she has body aches, extreme fatigue, nausea and an almost continual depression that lasts right up to the next treatment. The meds she takes to lessen those side effects also have side effects. Problem with this is that she (we) were sexual and even in the lifestyle for a few years and now can't physically. She does not even feel like talking to anyone that isn't family. Add the physical changes her body has gone through and the mental and emotional aspects suffer as well. She has encouraged me to look elsewhere and I haven't-until I finally decided to become active here again. Though I would love her involvement, believe me it would be hard on both of us emotionally to try and do this 'together'. Kind of like a chocoholic that suddenly becomes allergic being asked to help to pick out decadent treats for a caring partner to enjoy in front of them. Her preference is that I find a 'friend with benefits' and not share it. Again I thank all of you.

Valparaiso IN
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Ran_Jen, his "plutonic" relationship suggests to me only that he has something going on, either with Mickey Mouse's dog or with Pluto the mythological god of the underworld. He might be better off cultivating a platonic relationship with peeps like Noah Webster or Messrs. Strunk and White.

Belle Chasse LA
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Ran_jen, I'm not sure if the "so u agree..." was directed at me or the original poster, but no, I disagree. While I think that giving the whole sad story of his wife's struggle with cancer on his profile might scare people away, I think it is a very good idea to make it clear in his profile that he is married and not only has full approval of his wife, but that she'd be happy to confirm that for anyone who wants to know - it helps allay concerns that he is married-and-cheating. It makes things clear up front - which is also important - when someone lists themselves as single and it's only after talking to them for a while that you discover they're actually married, it's a big red flag that they're probably trying to deceive someone (me, their spouse, who knows).

And while *you* may not want to bother with checking with a wife when you could play with a single guy without needing to do that, there are lots of people in the lifestyle who would PREFER to play with someone who is married-with-permission over a single, because more often than not, they approach the Lifestyle on a rather different way, with a different attitude, and a different perspective - not to mention that they're less likely to develop inappropriate feelings for one half of the married couple and potentially come in between them.

There's something out there to meet everyone's disparate desires... I hope the OP finds what he's looking for!

BadKitty

Durham NC
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I disagree with Ran_jen's contention that saying on your profile that your wife is OK with it will turn people away. In fact, I would strongly recommend saying more clearly in your profile that your wife has encouraged you to pursue these kind of encounters, and that she'd be happy to confirm that for anyone with whom you correspond. (I also second the suggestion that you add more/better pics to your profile).

We know you are in the most difficult of situations. Mr. BadKitty was in a similar situation for many years - as his late wife struggled for years with a losing battle against cancer, she had little inclination (or energy) for sex. She encouraged him to find sexual satisfaction elsewhere, and while he never did, he can certainly understand why you would want to.

I don't think I'd recommend laying it all out there in your profile about the cancer struggle - frankly, I think that might scare people off - it's rather laying your heart bare to every person that happens across your profile. Once you start corresponding with someone, and the question of your wife and relationship situation comes up, THEN you can share the whole grueling story with them.

I wish you all the best of luck in finding what you seek, and in enjoying the time you have to share with your wife. Treasure it.

BadKitty

Durham NC
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I still maintain that it's a good idea to have his wife involved in the process. Whether it's just looking at the pics online, or helping to compose the emails.

San Antonio TX
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I won't flame you at all for that advice. It's practical and good advice.

I didn't even think of it when reading his posts.

G.

San Antonio TX
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If you explain your situation in your profile, that may make some prospective partners more sympathetic. Not explaining that you are married at all will anger anyone who takes the first step to respond to you. Of course, you risk turning people off with the sadness of your situation, but I think on the whole it would help you.

The reality is that there are many "single" men and it is hard for an older man to compete. It is harder still when you are married and have baggage.

I will probably get flamed for this, but I think you should reconsider prostitutes. I know some escorts who are both educated and nice people. I could even specifically recommend someone if Chicago isn't too far away. It's the simplest way to get your needs met on your schedule without interfering with your stressful life.

Springfield VA
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Dane, I feel for your situation and can't help but wonder why couples would shun you for being honest about things, when many of those same couples would have no problem meeting you if you were divorced and legally "single."

My parents' best friends were a vibrant, wonderful couple but the wife suffered from an early onset of Allzheimers in her late 60's. Her husband was totally devoted to her and it was touching to see the way he would include her in social functions long after she became unaware of much of anything. After she became totally bedridden and unresponsive she lingered for several years, during which time he hired a female "personal assistant" to manage the household things that his wife formerly tended to.

Their closest frineds knew that the "assistant" was, in fact, his mistress. Some of those friends castigated him for doing this; my parents did not, even though his wife had been my mother's dearest friend --really more like a sister-- for almost 50 years.

I'm not sure that people have considered the ill spouse's viewpoint either. I know that if I were married and suffered a debilitating illness, I would very much want her to be happy and fulfilled, even if it meant doing so without my involvement. Just my two cents.

Good luck to you and your wife. Peace.

Belle Chasse LA
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TOPIC: Sincerely hoping for honest, helpful advice