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Seperate Dates : Swingers Discussion 362911021
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TOPIC: Seperate Dates
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We tend to enjoy play the way content described it. Although most of our experiences so far have been same room, it's not a rule by any means- just the way it has worked out.

C (the hubby) has had a few meetings alone with the wife from a couple we've played with (sexual and non-sexual), with full consent from both her hubby and me, and I'm not any more worried about him developing an emotional attachment to her than I am to him developing an emotional attachment to the women he works with or the wives of "vanilla" couples we're friends with. While I can certainly see how separate dates can present an opportunity for the emotions to get carried away, I don't think that's solely in the purview of the lifestyle, you know?

In our lives, we have LOTS of emotional attachments to people- we call them friends. And we love them. If a particular relationship ever seemed to be becoming "too close" to the other spouse here, swinging or otherwise, I would like to think we'd address that. But I don't see swinging- even with separate dates- as any more of a risk factor for that than I do any other relationship in our lives. How many non-swingers leave their spouses for someone else, after all?

Now, NONE of this is to say that I advocate separate dates for everyone and feel somehow superior for being able to handle them when others aren't comfortable. As always, people need to do what feels right to them, not what feels right to others. (Most of our swinger friends wouldn't consider separate dates, and that's just fine with us- we don't question their comfort levels or their reasons, we just love em as they are.)

L.

Ithaca NY
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like2wish, In answer to your question, yes an emotional bond can be created in seperate room situations but it all depends on how the people approach the idea in the first place. I know in my personal case, I could not grow an emotional attachment to someone just because I am having sex with them in a seperate room. This may be shallow of me, but it is me, when I am with another swinging parter, to me it is all about sex. The only emotion that I have is the one of joy watching my wife with someone else or wonder at what my wife is doing if she is not there with me. I detach my mind from the sex. In my case, emotional attachments are done on a one on one basis from across a table where sex is not even an option or thought of. I always had one rule when I was single and that was to not ever date anyone I was just interested in sleeping with. I carry that rule over into my marriage in the case of swingers in a reverse fashion and that is not to sleep with anyone I may have been interested in dating if I were single. Zo.

Fort Worth TX
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As a couple who has ALWAYS preferred and usually used separate rooms, we totally disagree that an emotional attachment is more likely to occur when naked in separate rooms than when "dating" separately. We have in all our years never developed such an emotional attachment, but we have seen it happen when 2 people decided to see each other separately from their spouses.

Emotional bonds don't happen because of sex. Emotional bonds happen because of hours spent together talking intimately with each other, because you share your feelings & concerns and worries with someone who is an appreciative sympathetic ear, etc.

It is possible (though by no means certain) that the original poster harbors some jealousy, but if so we think he is right to have such concerns about the intensity of his wife's attachment to this other guy.

Their rule was to stop swinging with any couple if emotional attachments were developing. I'd say they are, and it's time to stop - at least for a while.

South Riding VA
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I think if you are only involved with one couple,the variety aspect soon disappears. It is no longer light-hearted. It becomes serious when you what to know what they are doing when thay are not with you,and feel pangs of jealousy when thay are with others...

Naples FL
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We haven't had to deal with an emotional attachment from a person and hopefully never will. IMO for what it is worth, is there are some serious red flags here. First off, if the other couple wanted to take it to a different level than it should have been discussed between the four of you together. My hunch tells me that his wife doesn't know.

Second, you state that they get mad when you see other couples. That is jealousy and that is never pretty especially in this lifestyle. I saw "RUN FORREST, RUN!"

Carrie

Corpus Christi TX
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I think your instincts are right on. This is a red flag, and we would advise against any such separate "dating." And Zodan asks a really good question about whether the other guy's wife is aware of his suggestion.

We have made it our habit to limit swinging with another couple to not more than once a month - unless it is in the context of a party involving other couples as well. Swinging with the same couple several weeks in a row is setting yourselves up for the development of emotional attachments that go beyond what you wanted.

We also think it's a good idea to maintain at least three couples that you swing with and try to alternate them. It not only provides variety, but it really helps to avoid the development of overly intense emotional feelings for any one other person.

Finally, while we recognize that sometimes there are stretches of time where you have invitations for virtually every weekend, we think if you play several weekends in a row it's a good idea to take a couple of weekends off and dedicate the time to your own relationship. It's vitally important to keep the romance alive in your own relationship, and to give yourselves the time to have some fun by yourselves - to remind yourselves why your spouse is indeed "special."

Swinging without damaging your marriage requires making the effort to keep your own relationship special, and to keep your relationships with swing partners at somewhat of an "arm's length."

Good luck. You have good instincts. Remember, when your brain is telling you one thing but your gut feelings are telling you something different, your guts are likely to be right.

South Riding VA
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Just a curiousity question.....Does his wife know that he proposed this idea?

We agree with you guys about emotional attachment. In Fact we almost ended up being divorced because of emotional attachment to and from another person. We now try to make sure that whoever we play with doesn't get attached. Personally I would say no to the idea and keep an eye on the couple or spend some time away from them to see what he truly thinks. Zo.

Fort Worth TX
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TOPIC: Seperate Dates