Seperate Dates: Swingers Discussion 362911021

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Seperate Dates: Swingers Discussion 362911021

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TOPIC: Seperate Dates

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User Details are only visible to members.	ColleenRoy, you are absolutely correct that this thread is full of opinions, but short on FACTS. That is by no means unique to this thread, though. Swinger forums such as this one exist precisely because there is such a critical shortage of scientific data about swinging issues. In fact, if you are a regular reader of the Forum threads, you will see that there are even some people who spout their opinions as gospel and then proceed to ridicule those who say "wait a minute, there are no facts to support that." The reluctance to accept science is rampant among people who don't understand science, and the inability to distinguish between supposition and fact is a growing problem in this country, reflecting a basic weakness in our educational system. Since there is such a dearth of scientific study on swingers and swinger issues, all that the contributors to this Forum can possibly provide is their own individual experiences and the opinions they have developed from those personal experiences and the experiences of other swingers whom they know. So long as people don't present their own experiences as THE GOSPEL on swinging, then the collective experiences shared by Forum posters will provide entertainment, at least, and at best some help to those who have posed questions or issues about swinging. And THAT is why there is value in a FORUM such as this. And a tip of the cap to those who submit their opinions and personal experiences for the benefit of others, while still carefully stating that this is just their own experience, or that they have no data to support something but here is what they THINK (as opposed to KNOW). Care taken not to stretch one's opinion or personal experiences into UNIVERSAL TRUTH is a trait that establishes credibility and makes some opinions more useful than others to those who post a question to the FORUM.
South Riding VA			Username hidden (8158 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Like2wish makes a valid point that we overlooked. The original poster DID mention they use separate rooms until the next morning! That, we think, is a horse of a different color altogether from the kind of separate room play described by Content, and which is typical of our swinging as well. We usually begin with straight socializing over hors d'oeuvres or snacks of some kind, enjoying catching up on the news of each other's lives, reestablishing the friendship bond, flirting, and then wandering off to separate rooms for sex, which, like Content said, usually lasts from a half hour to a couple of hours, depending on the couple (we have one couple that is always very quick and then done), the mood, etc. The first couple finished usually lies in bed chatting and laughing for a while, then goes down to the kitchen and makes coffee and drags out a dessert. The 2nd couple joins them when they are finished. Normally by the time the first couple goes downstairs the 2nd couple is finished too and has been just chatting & laughing too, so they are rarely far behind. Maybe they just don't want the dessert to disappear! LOL! After all, if we've all had a good time we may have worked up an appetite! :-) That describes a typical get-together with another couple. So the time together is about sex. The kind of sharing of values, hopes, dreams, worries, etc., etc. that goes into building a strong personal bond just doesn't happen in that short time together - at least not in our experience. Your mileage may vary. Occasionally for no particular reason the 1st couple finished joins the 2nd couple on the king-sized bed in the master bedroom and all four of us lie there for a while talking and laughing, and usually caressing at the same time. And just as Content said, sometimes erections reappear and a 2nd round of play ensues in the same bed. That's nice too, but we need an EXTRA LARGE dessert after that! LOL! Anyway, an hour or two in separate rooms enjoying each other sexually is not the same as spending the entire night together in separate rooms, which is not the same as dating separately. In fact, dating separately begins to be more like "Open Marriage" than swinging. But terminology aside, these all seem to represent different degrees of exposure to development of strong emotional attachments. Obviously, lots, or even MOST, couples are "same room only" couples, which no doubt minimizes any risk of developing an intense emotional bond with the opposite-gender member of the other couple. So there is a whole continuum of styles that seem to involve different levels of risk of emotional attachment. As L rightly points out, "emotional attachment" probably isn't the right term, either, since of course we all develop "emotional attachments" to our vanilla friends as well as swinging friends. What we are REALLY discussing here, I think, is FALLING IN LOVE with another person. If we consider a continuum from "same room only" on one end to "separate dating" or "Open Marriage" on the other end, Mrs. Valovers and I would fall out somewhere closer to the "separate dating" point than to "same room only." Although we don't date separately, we have agreed that it's OK for either of us to play if we are apart anyhow because one or the other of us is away from home on business or any other travel. We've only done that a few times, but it's nice to have the opportunity to accept an invitation for fun.
South Riding VA			Username hidden (8158 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Emotional attatchment is fine, as long as it's couple to couple. It's when it's individual to individual that problems arise.I think it's possible to love a couple as a couple, but I don't believe it's healthy to become exclusive to only one couple. Think of close vertical friends. There is emotional attachment there. You'd surely be heart broken if they'd suddenly be gone. Or am I missing the point of what is meant by emotional attatchment? Or are yas talking emotional attatchment combined with jealousy and possesiveness? Jealousy and possesiveness are total no gos in the swinging world. In fact jealousy is the most useless and negative emotion there is. Mebby this would make more sense if we could seperate the individual issues.
Bedford PA			Username hidden (5527 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	We tend to enjoy play the way content described it. Although most of our experiences so far have been same room, it's not a rule by any means- just the way it has worked out. C (the hubby) has had a few meetings alone with the wife from a couple we've played with (sexual and non-sexual), with full consent from both her hubby and me, and I'm not any more worried about him developing an emotional attachment to her than I am to him developing an emotional attachment to the women he works with or the wives of "vanilla" couples we're friends with. While I can certainly see how separate dates can present an opportunity for the emotions to get carried away, I don't think that's solely in the purview of the lifestyle, you know? In our lives, we have LOTS of emotional attachments to people- we call them friends. And we love them. If a particular relationship ever seemed to be becoming "too close" to the other spouse here, swinging or otherwise, I would like to think we'd address that. But I don't see swinging- even with separate dates- as any more of a risk factor for that than I do any other relationship in our lives. How many non-swingers leave their spouses for someone else, after all? Now, NONE of this is to say that I advocate separate dates for everyone and feel somehow superior for being able to handle them when others aren't comfortable. As always, people need to do what feels right to them, not what feels right to others. (Most of our swinger friends wouldn't consider separate dates, and that's just fine with us- we don't question their comfort levels or their reasons, we just love em as they are.) L.
Ithaca NY			Username hidden (1611 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	lie2wish I think your impression is correct. We do separate rooms regularly, not 100% of the time but most of the time. It goes more or less like this. Each swapped couple starts playing independently of what the other couple is doing and starts motioning toward some comfortable location in the house--typically some bedroom. Just follow our wild sexual instincts, which rarely include wondering what the other couple are doing...although it's obvious what they are doing. We go at it for however long it takes, typically half-an-hour to a couple hours, although around 1 hr is a common norm. There are no rules about how much time each couple gets to be together. The couple that finishes first will typically do whatever they want, such as stay in bed talking/drinking/joking, wander around, take a peek at the other couple (or sometimes even take a picture, hee hee), or anything. When the second couple finishes, again they do whatever they want, they may stay in bed talking/laughing (for some reason there is often laughter involved after sex), or venture out the room and check what the other two are up to, etc. Often we end up laying on the same bed, all 4, just talking. If enough time goes bye and the mood comes back, somebody may start doing oral on somebody else, and another cycle of sex is repeated (or at least attempted LOL!). Basically the picture is one of a mixture of all 4 being together at times alternated wth the 2 swapped couples separating into more intimate spaces. Again, there's never a "schedule" of when specific things have to happen. The thing about spending the entire night separated and not reuniting until the next morning we have not done, although under the right circumstances and the right couple we might. One last thing I should add is that it's not likely to happen when we entertain, as the layout of our house is not conducive to that. I can see it happening away from home if we rent two separate hotel rooms or something along those lines.
Pittsburgh PA			Username hidden (1153 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	like2wish, In answer to your question, yes an emotional bond can be created in seperate room situations but it all depends on how the people approach the idea in the first place. I know in my personal case, I could not grow an emotional attachment to someone just because I am having sex with them in a seperate room. This may be shallow of me, but it is me, when I am with another swinging parter, to me it is all about sex. The only emotion that I have is the one of joy watching my wife with someone else or wonder at what my wife is doing if she is not there with me. I detach my mind from the sex. In my case, emotional attachments are done on a one on one basis from across a table where sex is not even an option or thought of. I always had one rule when I was single and that was to not ever date anyone I was just interested in sleeping with. I carry that rule over into my marriage in the case of swingers in a reverse fashion and that is not to sleep with anyone I may have been interested in dating if I were single. Zo.
Fort Worth TX			Username hidden (1223 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	I must admit, this is a heck of a topic! Emotional attachments may be fulfilling and worth living, but I'd agree they are to be approached with caution, if at all. At the very least each of the two couples must be very secure and have a strong relationship. The stronger the relationship, the more risks they can take, and the more they can enjoy the nascent relationship with the other couple. I would not advocate a flat out rejection of any emotional attachments, but they should definitely be approached with considerable caution, and then only under some ideal circumstances. Definitely not for everybody. Jealousy between couples is relatively normal. We've seen it a lot, and frankly it's not necessarily a big deal. Sometimes we find it funny that it can happen. Luckily for us we have never seen it progress to a level suggesting a serious problem. It's just human nature showing one of its many faces, and people who fall into it can usually recognize it and recover and move on. As for the separate dates we've never done it, but it's not something we would reject outright. It would take a very special couple though. In the case described at the start of this thread, definitely more information is needed, as others already have pointed out. The first question would be to find out whether the wife is aware of the suggestion, and a willing participant in the idea. Then you can take if from there, but I wouldn't do it if you suspect the other couple are having problems. Then definitely "don't go there"!
Pittsburgh PA			Username hidden (1153 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	As a couple who has ALWAYS preferred and usually used separate rooms, we totally disagree that an emotional attachment is more likely to occur when naked in separate rooms than when "dating" separately. We have in all our years never developed such an emotional attachment, but we have seen it happen when 2 people decided to see each other separately from their spouses. Emotional bonds don't happen because of sex. Emotional bonds happen because of hours spent together talking intimately with each other, because you share your feelings & concerns and worries with someone who is an appreciative sympathetic ear, etc. It is possible (though by no means certain) that the original poster harbors some jealousy, but if so we think he is right to have such concerns about the intensity of his wife's attachment to this other guy. Their rule was to stop swinging with any couple if emotional attachments were developing. I'd say they are, and it's time to stop - at least for a while.
South Riding VA			Username hidden (8158 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	I think if you are only involved with one couple,the variety aspect soon disappears. It is no longer light-hearted. It becomes serious when you what to know what they are doing when thay are not with you,and feel pangs of jealousy when thay are with others...
Naples FL			Username hidden (229 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	We haven't had to deal with an emotional attachment from a person and hopefully never will. IMO for what it is worth, is there are some serious red flags here. First off, if the other couple wanted to take it to a different level than it should have been discussed between the four of you together. My hunch tells me that his wife doesn't know. Second, you state that they get mad when you see other couples. That is jealousy and that is never pretty especially in this lifestyle. I saw "RUN FORREST, RUN!" Carrie
Corpus Christi TX			Username hidden (16510 post)

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TOPIC: Seperate Dates