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Relationships in the lifestyle : Swingers Discussion 224537
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TOPIC: Relationships in the lifestyle
Created by: hotrod502003
Original Starting post for this thread:
I Have been in the lifestyle for many years and have known my partner now for a couple of years. We have been playing in the lifestyle now a few times, like 3 parties, one couple and a couple of mfm 3somes. I thoroughly enjoy playing with my partner at parties; watching, hearing, and even helping her really enjoy herself, and she really does and have many times. She is a very hot lady and the men really lineup for her which is cool, until she needs a break. As I have told her, I like this type of action and thoroughly enjoy it and I have no jealously issues in that regard. On one occasion she hit it off with one guy at a party and again he participated in some group action and well for him he couldn't perform as well in a crowd and wanted her in a private room by herself. I disagreed with her and didn't want to do that and yes I guess in a manner of speaking was jealous but not because of the sex I saw and watched him with her in public, it was the private part that concerned me. We did talk it out and things are ok and as I told her, we play and make decisions as a couple. She would still like to see others by themselves and even do over night dates although she says it is for sex only and maybe even like weekends or other longer outings possibly. Basically date others. And of course, she doesn't care if I do too. That's not a problem, but as we all know, men do not get near the action a younger sexually attractive lady gets. So what I'm trying to find out, is dating outside the lifestyle a normal thing I need to learn just to deal with or is this maybe going a little far for now at least. She has talked to 4 other couples that have this type of relationship although they have been a couple for many years before they did start playing alone, and they tell her I'm being too jealous. Of course, I can find as many friends that say she is asking too much, at least for now . We would love to hear both sides from folks in the lifestyle

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Carrie, we have discussed this ad nauseum....the only compromise we could arrive at was to be 'monogamous swingers': only playing together as couples, can do a little separate room play at parties, but no dating others. Not to speak for Jim, but he worries that I will find someone that I'll love more and he'll lose me. I do not see it that way, and all my swinging friends do have bf/gf on the side that each other know about, but they have been married for at least ten years, and have that comfort level that their future/home is with their spouse...that they can and do love more than one person, but know where their bread is buttered. Jim has also suggested that if I want to date someone, I have to find him a date, so that he's not home/bored/thinking. He got overwhelmed with the sheer number of guys that were/are interested, meanwhile, he has to play the flirt online/text/endless emails only to have her flake out.

Lake City TX
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Good for you for both posting about this, tells me that you are open in what you are discussing. Like Carrie said, keep talking about it because if you both are having feelings for each other and have an emotional attachment, I would think you can work out a compromise on the recreational part with others.

Good luck and do keep us posted.

Youngstown OH
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Sounds like y'all need to sit down and have a talk about what y'all want out of this relationship. All the cards need to be laid, on the table and then go from there.

Carrie

Corpus Christi TX
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this is the female in the relationship, and yes, it is romantic at this point. We started out just swinging as 'partners' that happened to fall in love. Over the years, he would always say how he usually plays with married women or as the third wheel for couples, as he never wanted 'more' of a relationship with anyone. So, I kind of walled off my emotions, and accepted that it would never be 'more'. We recently found that we have emotions for each other. When he asked me to move in, I was under the assumption that he would continue to do 'his' thing with married/couples, that I would be able to date who I wanted, and then we would do things together, such as parties/other couples. I felt free, and thought this would be the perfect relationship---allowing both of us to do what we liked, while still have the security of a foundation, of 'home'. What we discovered though, is that while we both wanted to be with each other in a romantic sense, our ideas of how we would define ourselves was very different. The nature of the beast is that a woman will always have more interest, and while I would certainly have no issues with him continuing to hunt/search for his playmates, it simply would not ever be equal in the amount of playmates we both would have. We are both very giving, and neither of us wants to hurt each other, but in the end, one of us will have to sacrifice. I have decided that it would be defined as a 'monogamous swinging' relationship, but he knows that is not really what I want/ed and feels like I will eventually resent the arrangement.

Lake City TX
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Welcome to the forum hotrod502003. You have gotten some great insight from the three ladies so I hope you will keep us posted on how this pans out for you. Keep communicating your feelings and desires and see if you can find a common ground. If what she envisions is a "Hotwife" type relationship with you, are you ok with that? If you are her foundation, her man to always return to no matter what, are you comfortable with her dating others? Now if in her mind you are just one partner among many, that is a different conversation. Looking forward to hearing how this works out.

Youngstown OH
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I agree with sphb. If this isn't a romantic relationship, I don't believe you have a right to say who she is with and when. If it is a romantic relationship, that is different.

Carrie

Corpus Christi TX
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I'm seeing this from a slightly different point of view but I do agree with Sav on one thing - you can't mold yourself to fit someone else. If you're not happy with the ways things are you either need to talk it out to a resolution or make some kind of change...accepting the status quo isn't ever going to make things better. But let me back up a little - you say you've known your partner for a few years now and have played together a few times now. Is this a romantic relationship that you've had for a few years that has now added a LS twist to it? Or is this a woman you've known for a few years that now you're playing in the LS as a couple? It seems to me that those are two different dynamics. If this started as a romantic relationship, yes you should have an expectation for her to take your feelings into account before she sees anyone else. If, however, this is just a partnership for LS purposes...then what she does when she's not at an event/party with you is outside the bounds of your partnership. It sounds like you and she need to talk this out and decide which way you two are going forward - as friends who play together or as lovers.

S Pasadena FL
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There is no right or wrong here but I will say this at this point in time it is wrong for you. You have 2 choices buck up and settle for something you are not comfortable with or lay the law done and she bolts so be it. You can't make people conform to your fantasies or ideals, when those ideals different dramatically problems are bound to arise. My suggestion is to never mold yourself to "suit" another person and never expect they remold to suit you. Clearly you've discussed this and wants to feed you the "every one" says BS , like you said you could do the same with those who say "oh hell no" . It sounds to me she has left the ball in your court to either deal with it or get beaten over the head with her opinion. In the long run it is my guess she will do exactly as she pleases. That doesn't sound like a loving relationship to me. Habits are hard to break but you need to ask yourself "If I give in with my resentment show its face in damaging behavior?" If your heart isn't into her style of swinging nothing good will ever come of it. Is she a habit or the women of your dreams....there is a big difference .

Good Luck

Mrs Sav

Anniston AL
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I Have been in the lifestyle for many years and have known my partner now for a couple of years. We have been playing in the lifestyle now a few times, like 3 parties, one couple and a couple of mfm 3somes. I thoroughly enjoy playing with my partner at parties; watching, hearing, and even helping her really enjoy herself, and she really does and have many times. She is a very hot lady and the men really lineup for her which is cool, until she needs a break. As I have told her, I like this type of action and thoroughly enjoy it and I have no jealously issues in that regard. On one occasion she hit it off with one guy at a party and again he participated in some group action and well for him he couldn't perform as well in a crowd and wanted her in a private room by herself. I disagreed with her and didn't want to do that and yes I guess in a manner of speaking was jealous but not because of the sex I saw and watched him with her in public, it was the private part that concerned me. We did talk it out and things are ok and as I told her, we play and make decisions as a couple. She would still like to see others by themselves and even do over night dates although she says it is for sex only and maybe even like weekends or other longer outings possibly. Basically date others. And of course, she doesn't care if I do too. That's not a problem, but as we all know, men do not get near the action a younger sexually attractive lady gets. So what I'm trying to find out, is dating outside the lifestyle a normal thing I need to learn just to deal with or is this maybe going a little far for now at least. She has talked to 4 other couples that have this type of relationship although they have been a couple for many years before they did start playing alone, and they tell her I'm being too jealous. Of course, I can find as many friends that say she is asking too much, at least for now . We would love to hear both sides from folks in the lifestyle

Lake City TX
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TOPIC: Relationships in the lifestyle