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Question : Swingers Discussion 36888101
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Created by: StillWatersRunDeep The original post for this thread was deleted.
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Regarding poly. I have been in a poly relationship with my husband for10 years this time. When I met him, we were players. Over time we both enjoyed each other and became emotionally attached. After 2 divorces and 5 years we were married. The divorces happened for other reasons.

We shut down for 10 years. I started up again in 1994. I have been in active poly relationships during most of that time. Currently my longest lived partnership is 4 years. The other is closing in on 3 years. I am given to long relatiionships.

I contend emotions come and go. No need to change anything merely because one is in love, out of love, or any of the variations. It is true that some folks assumed if they become available, I would leave my husband. NO way. Poly is hard work.

Keeping a stable of partners and rotating through them is a common way to spread out emotions. I used to do it when single. I didn't want to become attached. It works wonderfully.

I merely choose to maintain perspective. My life partner is my life partner. I could get other very, very, long term partners. I hope that happens. Actually it already seems to have happened. No matter.

Steve, I appreciate your wanting to please your wife. But that guy is a problem. I could see him being jealous of you, around Kate. Drama you don't need.

Mischief<--celebrates 20 years married on Saturday..

Glen Burnie MD
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The only way to learn is experience - your own or by listening to other people's experiences. But you learn best from your own. You're still young, but learning very fast! :-)

Jim

South Riding VA
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Steve,

I think you nailed it. They are the ones who had a communication problem at a minimum, since they didn't seem to be on the same page about what they wanted. I guess failure to communicate can CAUSE a trust problem, too.

I have a sneaky suspicion that what you encountered was a very controlling husband who felt very threatened when his wife was outside his personal control. Ever since encountering a couple of those dominant, controlling husbands we have been very sensitized about that and that's one of the things we look for signs of when we meet a couple. If we see the danger signs, we gracefully decline to get together with them.

South Riding VA
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Steve,

I guess the question is how do you define "many couples?" To us, about 3 is all we can see with any regularity, and that will mean we see each one only about once a month because of having to work around other things in our lives and in their lives to find a mutually-free evening for playtime.

I also think that while a deeper loving relationship with one couple may be satisfying to you and Kate, your desire for that may scare the hell out of a lot of other couples, especially one such as you described where she had never full swapped before. Perhaps such frequent get-togethers are threatening to one or both of the other couple and are NOT what they want from swinging.

We have witnessed a situation where 2 couples became a virtual "exclusive" foursome, spending every weekend together, and even buying a big boat together, which almost requires that they spend every weekend together on the boat to get their money's worth out of that investment.

Guess what? TWO of the four people are happy with that arrangement, and the other two are pretty miserable because their spouses are obviously in love with someone else.

I don't know much about polyamory, but I wonder just how well such relationships work out over time. It might be just great for a while, but I wonder if those relationships endure anywhere close to even what traditional marriages do, which is only about 7 years on average these days.

Anyway, apparently your particular couple was pretty new to swinging, and I suspect that your desire for an intense loving relationship with an almost-every-weekend frequency might have overwhelmed them and sent them scampering.

Jim

South Riding VA
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Steve, the situation you describe suggest that you and Kate may be getting a bit too emotionally involved with your playmates. It's wonderful to have SOME emotional attachment, but it sounds like yours become too strong, at least if "it becomes depressing" when things turn sour.

We have always, from the beginning, avoided getting so attached to one particular couple that we got TOO close and saw them TOO frequently. Our way of doing this was to try to have at least 3 couples that we played with, and rotate them. Given our schedules and their schedules, that meant we only could play once or twice a month, and when rotating 3 couples that would mean at best you only see the same couple every 6-8 weeks.

There is safety in numbers. I would suggest if you get depressed when a relationship sours or ends, then you might want to see your playmates a bit less frequently and see some others in between times.

Jim

South Riding VA
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If your looking for DRAMA go to the movies. Too many cool people on this site alone to have to put up with that BS.

La Habra CA
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Too much drama and BS...there is no way he would be getting anything from our playground if his wasn't open to play.... R & K

Muncy PA
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This sounds like a fairly typical "newbie" situation. We've experienced this same attitude from the man who didn't want his wife to play with any other guys (but it turned him on to see her play with another lady, so that was OK), to the lady not wanting her man to play with other women, but it was alright for her to do whatever she wanted. Whatever the case, it's a childish, "me first" attitude, and it always involves way too much drama.

If you really enjoy their company, I'd say to keep them as friends, but no playing until they mature a little more in the lifestyle. If you don't enjoy them as much out of bed, do you really need the brain damage?

Just my opinion, Gary

West Sacramento CA
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That couple has issues. My personal opinion is they should not be swinging, and if yous continue with them your are in for some heavy drama.

Bedford PA
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Our philosophy has always been you have to bring some to get some and don't expect something from us that you're not ready to give. He sounds very selfish and high maintenance. This is supposed to be fun !!!

Center Valley PA
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TOPIC: Question