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Performance Anxiety : Swingers Discussion 39022101
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TOPIC: Performance Anxiety
Created by: BacchusnLadywife
Original Starting post for this thread:
We received a private e-mail from a couple asking for confirmation that this is not an uncommon occurrence among men in the Lifestyle and advice on overcoming it. Now first of all......No trying to guess who this couple is. We don't know them, they don't live near us, they are no one we've certified. They simply saw a forum post where we made reference to anxiety and figured we were good people to ask. We responded to the e-mail but felt we'd open the topic in forum so they and others can hear more views and still maintain their privacy. Our two cents on performance anxiety: It is an occurrence that happens occasionally among all ages and experience levels of men AND women in the Lifestyle. However, do to the difference in plumbing it's far more noticeable in the male. We women are so lucky, a bit of lube and wa la! (Hint to ladies who may have never needed lube, when you do, if you're expecting some oral action as well, don't just buy any old tube of K-Y. Bad tasting stuff). There's some good advice on erection problems in a Forum titled "Need Help From Vet Swingers" but this was a very specific situation where the gentleman actually was not sexually attracted to a particular lady and was trying to "take one for the team". Our experience, and feedback from others as well, is that it happens just as often in a pairing where there is sexual attraction. What to do about it? Well there is certainly the viagra, lube options. That's a personal choice. Our advice is there are so many ways to give and receive pleasure that work around the issue and that anyone worth having in the Lifestyle will also understand and be sympathetic to it so try not to worry. Also, recognize that there is a time to give up and try a different time. If a prolongued BJ is not remedying the problem, give your poor Johnson and the lady's mouth and hands a break. Same thing to ladies, if you're tensed up and just can't get to the point of climax, don't expect that poor man's tongue to keep going for another hour! Also, if you're already in the midst of things and find you aren't really turned on by the person but are afraid you may insult them, try jumping into your mind with a great fantasy. Looking forward to other's views and advice. Hopefully we'll learn a new trick or two as well!

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Viagra works well for those times.

Carrie

Corpus Christi TX
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I think way to much is put on preformance, it happens for a reason perhaps they do tend to think way to much , or way to needy, where they need more of a relationship then what quite a few do not wish to give.In reality its not mindless sex. Yes we can understand this happening when your relatively new to swing as your going against everything that has been taught to you.After a few encounters if this does not go away, theres more to the story .Now to find out whats more to the story , thats the difficult part. When we are chatting with people on line, I will ask some questions and find out if they are on medication of any sorts, if they do drugs whether recreational or on a daily basis. For us when the profile reads the male will interact if need be thats an indication in our minds to a problem of erection.I will ask directly when I read a profile with that in it.

Sarasota FL
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Mr. Valover703,

Great point and advice. I tend to be very sensitive and climax pretty fast the first time in the evening. One thing that I have learnt is I do recover fairly quickly. One thing I love to do afterwards is cuddle with my partner caress her, fingerng her, and kissing her breast. I have found simply by doing that I can get aroused again much quicker than just by her trying to get me up oraly. Also I am honest up front and let our partners know in advance that I tend to be a little quick the first round but as my Fiance' says I never quit on making sure the person I am with is fully pleasured.

Elkridge MD
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BacchusnLadywife, good post!

After 8 years of active swinging experience and a couple dozen private swing parties, we have BOTH experienced instances of male inability to perform. SOMETIMES this is anxiety - especially when the guy is not yet experienced enough to be comfortable in the situation he's in - such as a group grope. Anxiety difficulties normally will disappear after at most a few years of active swinging when a guy has become comfortable with the situation.

I (Jim) have also had a couple of times when I just wasn't really attracted to a woman I sort of got "thrown together with" at a party, or even with an attractive woman that I hardly knew (damn, I must need a personality and brain, not just a body to play with!).

Mrs. Valovers has also had her share of experiences when the men just couldn't perform. Sometimes, at parties for example, it's just because the guy tries to "bite off more than he can chew," i.e., he's already had sex that evening a time or two and his batteries aren't recharged.

I think that male performance problems can be treated best the same way a man should treat a woman who can't come to orgasm - let it go!!!! Whether it's a woman trying desperately to get a man up, or a man trying desperately to get a woman off, the harder you labor at it the more anxiety you create and the less likely it is that you will succeed.

In situations where the man just isn't going to get it up, why not just relax and cuddle together naked and talk and caress and kiss? That can be very delightful too!

There is one woman who can always get me erect one more time. And, in fact, she delights in "using me" 3 or 4 times when we play. Her secret? Just relax and snuggle together naked, engage in conversation & laughter, all the time VERY GENTLY running her fingers up and down my penis. She distracts me with the conversation & kissing so much that I hardly notice she's touching me, and all at once VOILA! Then she giggles with great pride & satisfaction that she's done it to me again and jumps on! LOL

GENTLE, easy, slow, distraction, cuddling, conversation, kissing. And if it still doesn't happen, give it up! Make a promise to try again another day. Just as women can't come every time they have sex (for an infinite variety of reasons), men can't get an erection every time they want either. It doesn't mean that anybody is a sexual failure. It just means this isn't a good night, for whatever reason. But the experience of TRYING, mutual nakedness and caressing and kissing, is still very satisfying.

It's ALL good, and the less you dwell on these occasional times when things don't work normally, the better you'll be able to perform in the future. Worrying about what happens occasionally to most people is unproductive.

South Riding VA
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We received a private e-mail from a couple asking for confirmation that this is not an uncommon occurrence among men in the Lifestyle and advice on overcoming it. Now first of all......No trying to guess who this couple is. We don't know them, they don't live near us, they are no one we've certified. They simply saw a forum post where we made reference to anxiety and figured we were good people to ask. We responded to the e-mail but felt we'd open the topic in forum so they and others can hear more views and still maintain their privacy. Our two cents on performance anxiety: It is an occurrence that happens occasionally among all ages and experience levels of men AND women in the Lifestyle. However, do to the difference in plumbing it's far more noticeable in the male. We women are so lucky, a bit of lube and wa la! (Hint to ladies who may have never needed lube, when you do, if you're expecting some oral action as well, don't just buy any old tube of K-Y. Bad tasting stuff). There's some good advice on erection problems in a Forum titled "Need Help From Vet Swingers" but this was a very specific situation where the gentleman actually was not sexually attracted to a particular lady and was trying to "take one for the team". Our experience, and feedback from others as well, is that it happens just as often in a pairing where there is sexual attraction. What to do about it? Well there is certainly the viagra, lube options. That's a personal choice. Our advice is there are so many ways to give and receive pleasure that work around the issue and that anyone worth having in the Lifestyle will also understand and be sympathetic to it so try not to worry. Also, recognize that there is a time to give up and try a different time. If a prolongued BJ is not remedying the problem, give your poor Johnson and the lady's mouth and hands a break. Same thing to ladies, if you're tensed up and just can't get to the point of climax, don't expect that poor man's tongue to keep going for another hour! Also, if you're already in the midst of things and find you aren't really turned on by the person but are afraid you may insult them, try jumping into your mind with a great fantasy. Looking forward to other's views and advice. Hopefully we'll learn a new trick or two as well!

Saint Augustine FL
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(12560 posts)
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TOPIC: Performance Anxiety