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TOPIC: Need Help PLease
Created by: cbsouthern
Original Starting post for this thread:
I have been reading all your post and have found them very helpful, Thanks. Now I have a problem that I need some advice on. Here is what happened. My dear sweet hubby and I were with a new couple last evening, all agreed that condoms would be used before anything every started. We had a great time, (and as we are only same room swap) after everyone was finished I noticed my hubby and his partner had not used a condom! When I asked him about this he told me that he had and had already thrown it away. Well I didn't say anything else until after the other couple had left, then I asked him again, and he keept telling me he did, until I got upset about it and called him on it, then he admitted that he and the other woman decided that they weren't going to use one. Now this is a man that I have been married to for 30 years, and has always been honest with me concerning the lifestyle. I told him when they made this decision to change the rules half way through everything should have stopped and discussed, and the fact that he felt he had to lie to me about it has hurt me alot. He feels really bad for lying to me, but I findl it very hard to trust that he will not lie to me again. Am I being silly here, and should just blow it off..... Any advice would be appriciated very much . cbsouthern AKA Carrie

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CB.

I reacted to the breach of trust so dramatically because of the denials. I'm glad you worked it out. I have been married 20+ years, this time. We have had some counseling 3x. The first time turned out to be about the TV remote. Smile. It really was slightly more complex than that.. smile.

I have no problem stating what I did. Integrity is everything. He and I can now talk things through. I'm happy you are back where you should be. Good luck in maintaining that trust. I must admit, I would be checking the trash for a while just to be sure.

Mischief

Glen Burnie MD
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back this truck up. It really sounds as if there is more to this then not using a condom.There sounds like more issues need to be settled first . To me asking him more then once ,even though he lied ,also tells me there is little trust.If he said no, why did you keep pushing and pressing to hear what you wanted to hear?2 wrongs never equaled a right. Agreed what he did was wrong,stupid ,unthoughtful.I think this kind of thing should have been discussed prior to swapping with others. Whether they insist or you insist, what will happen if none are used.Discussing prior if only 1 set of the couples uses a condom and the other doesn't , what will the ramifications be. If for one second we thought what we were doing with a couple could result in a disease we will not go there.We do ask quite a few questions and listen to the answers. In discussing these type situations its always best to hear what both have to to say, instead of hearing only what part any of us want to hear or what (I) want this to be .I being used in general terms. Sure you can be upset with him,discuss it with him. Why bring this out in public, it serves very little purpose unless you want to hear how right you are. ? I can and will not understand this mentality. This may sound harsh,I do believe some things are better left cleared up in house.

Sarasota FL
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Butterflybee - Your right I have been married to this man for 30 years, and we have a great realtionship, and are very much in love with each other. We have talked this out throughly , (as we do all things in and out of the lifestyle) After a lengthy talk about this, I feel in my heart that this was a mistake, ( and yes we all make them) made in the heat of the moment, and will never be repeated. We enjoy the lifestyle, but we enjoy eachother more Carrie

Lehigh Acres FL
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I would wrap him in latex from now on.

Who KNOWS how many times he's agreed to put pleasure ahead of safety.

This is the swinger equivalent of cheating.

Only it's worse than cheating in the non-swinging world. He's violated a trust, put you at risk for What? This is not a child. This is an adult male.

He repeatedly lied to you about this one incident. I can only imagine what else he's lying about.

Suggest counseling with a swing experienced therapist. Try looking up KAP. Kink aware professionals on the web.

This is an MAJOR, MAJOR, breach. If the other couple were "friends", the male half probably knew about the bareback. He didn't tell you, either. They are all toxic.

Sigh. I'm sorry for you. At least now you know. Find comfort in the arms of some lifestyle friends of integrity.

Hugs,

Sue

Glen Burnie MD
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Oh you can rest assured her hubby knows, I am a bitch like that also. And my hubby and myself have talked about it, and I bet this man never lies to me again. I told him it isn't every wife that can share what is most important in her life, and alot of men out there would kill to be able to have the fun we do, and if he ever even thought of lying to me again, he would be one of those men standing on the outside wishing.... Thanks to all of you and all your advice, you are all wonderful, and will never know how much you's have helped me through this today Hugs Carrie

Lehigh Acres FL
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I guess I look at it differently. For starters, I might tell the woman I felt she disrespected what had been agreed to as ground rules. But make sure the husband knew ? No, I pay attention to my marriage and let other's pay attention to theirs. If my husband betrays my trust in any form, I don't care who his accomplice was. He and only he is accountable to me and our life together.

Saint Augustine FL
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Carrie, you are right, next time, put the condom on him yourself, then you know its on! I wish you all the best, truly.

Jan

Jerome PA
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I agree it showed a huge amount of disrespct on her part, and on my husbands part as well. I just feel really bad that this happened and can not understand why he felt he had to lie to me. I am sure ther ewill be acalm discussion this evening about this. And your all right, it is going to take some time for him to earn my trust again, maybe next time I will put the condom on him..... Carrie

Lehigh Acres FL
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Excellent advice BnL.

Center Valley PA
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Carrie: First, I will say I am sorry that happened to you as well. My mate and I only deal with total honesty and for your husband of 30 years to blatently lie to you quite a few times before he admits, just blows my mind. I sure hope that you guys have known this couple for quite sometime before this incident, as you protected yourself, he did not, and God forbid if the woman carried any STDs that could have been transferred to your husband, and then possibly onto you or whether this woman was on birth control. I am sorry, but I think of consequences first in the heat of the moment when playing and I think your husband owes you a major apology as not only did he lie to you, he disrespected you as well. I apologize for being blunt as I would never add fuel to the fire or try to hurt anyone's feelings, but it is that lack of thought (or stupidity I call it) that gets us into trouble.

Jerome PA
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TOPIC: Need Help PLease