Just not sure if this is the thing for me : Swingers Discussion 135424

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TOPIC: Just not sure if this is the thing for me

Created by: OHappyDagger Original Starting post for this thread:
So, background first: I am a chick just over 30, my partner is a guy a bit over 40. We have been together for almost 2 yrs. I'm bi, and I don't mean college experimental, I mean I have always been attracted to people for reasons other than the contents of their pants. He's straight. I'm from a faraway land and have no people here, and he's a local who knows his way around town blindfolded and can't go out without seeing someone who knows him. Before we met he was a swinging single guy. He was apparently quite popular at a nearby on-premise club. I, on the other hand come from a background of bdsm, open partnerships and polyamory. We established from the get-go that sexual monogamy was not a priority or a goal in our partnership, but that honesty is definitely on the menu. We have individual kinks and quirks that we don't share, and have always been open to sharing those things with others, and hopefully sharing a few others betweens us... Fast forward a bit to the present and we finally have the same schedule, and some leisure time to try to see other people. So we got online, and started to try to find people to meet, all the while having numerous "state of the union" talks to work out various details and ideas, to avoid unpleasantly surprising each other. We have chatted a few times with some nice follks here, but not anybody yet who had us running panting for the condom box. We finally broke down and went to a nearby club, that he had belonged to as a single years before. I was competely underwhelmed. I tried to keep my expectations low, I really did. I went not expecting sex, not expecting to find soul friends at the bar, just expecting that since the place had a dance floor and a hot tub, that I would be able to dance and tub, if nothing else. I adore dancing and have not been since I hooked up with my melanin-and-rhythm-challenged man. Most of the people were friendly and welcoming, and there was no one there either of us found even remotely attractive. Ok, no biggie, we could still dance, right? Well the dance floor was deserted most of the night. The DJ played a bunch of old tired random stuff, that kept the crowd away in droves. We sat in the lukewarm hot tub 'til we were wrinkly, out of sheer boredom, then went to shoot pool to amuse ourselves until we were tired enough to call it a night. Most of the time, I felt terribly uncomfortable and out of place. We dressed up (my hot dancing dress and his smart button-down and slacks) and were way overdressed for the crowd and the decor. I was asked in advance to come up onstage and draw a ticket for one of the drawings, and I agreed, only to be unpleasantly surprised at being told once onstage to get topless, to which I had not agreed, and to which I was not inclined, even if it were possible. There were lots of other things I'll mention in a later post since the site's about to log me out. I'm just feeling rather squicked about the whole "lifestyle" of being a "swinger" and am ready to hang up and send my man out to straight bars to pick up chicks. Sigh. What to do if this "swinging" stuff is not my lifestyle?

Created by: OHappyDagger
Original Starting post for this thread:

So, background first:
I am a chick just over 30, my partner is a guy a bit over 40. We have been together for almost 2 yrs. I'm bi, and I don't mean college experimental, I mean I have always been attracted to people for reasons other than the contents of their pants. He's straight. 
I'm from a faraway land and have no people here, and he's a local who knows his way around town blindfolded and can't go out without seeing someone who knows him.
Before we met he was a swinging single guy. He was apparently quite popular at a nearby on-premise club. I, on the other hand come from a background of bdsm, open partnerships and polyamory. We established from the get-go that sexual monogamy was not a priority or a goal in our partnership, but that honesty is definitely on the menu. We have individual kinks and quirks that we don't share, and have always been open to sharing those things with others, and hopefully sharing a few others betweens us...
Fast forward a bit to the present and we finally have the same schedule, and some leisure time to try to see other people. So we got online, and started to try to find people to meet, all the while having numerous "state of the union" talks to work out various details and ideas, to avoid unpleasantly surprising each other. We have chatted a few times with some nice follks here, but not anybody yet who had us running panting for the condom box. 
We finally broke down and went to a nearby club, that he had belonged to as a single years before.
I was competely underwhelmed. I tried to keep my expectations low, I really did. I went not expecting sex, not expecting to find soul friends at the bar, just expecting that since the place had a dance floor and a hot tub, that I would be able to dance and tub, if nothing else. I adore dancing and have not been since I hooked up with my melanin-and-rhythm-challenged man. 
Most of the people were friendly and welcoming, and there was no one there either of us found even remotely attractive. Ok, no biggie, we could still dance, right? Well the dance floor was deserted most of the night. The DJ played a bunch of old tired random stuff, that kept the crowd  away in droves. We sat in the lukewarm hot tub 'til we were wrinkly, out of sheer boredom, then went to shoot pool to amuse ourselves until we were tired enough to call it a night.
Most of the time, I felt terribly uncomfortable and out of place. We dressed up (my hot dancing dress and his smart button-down and slacks) and were way overdressed for the crowd and the decor. I was asked in advance to come up onstage and draw a ticket for one of the drawings, and I agreed, only to be unpleasantly surprised at being told once onstage to get topless, to which I had not agreed, and to which I was not inclined, even if it were possible. 
There were lots of other things I'll mention in a later post since the site's about to log me out. 
I'm just feeling rather squicked about the whole "lifestyle" of being a "swinger" and am ready to hang up and send my man out to straight bars to pick up chicks. 
Sigh.
What to do if this "swinging" stuff is not my lifestyle?

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User Details are only visible to members.	Aren't there designated hitters and runners in baseball? Ok. You are thinking about this too hard. As for the guy who questioned you, why not just say, "well, there's no quick answer to that...we're evolving." Which you will do. Nothing that you set now has to be set forever. But it's a good idea to come up with some limits, boundaries, preferences, etc. At least at first. Just as a stepping off place. Don't let labels...um...label you. The terminology is helpful to some, but others (like myself) find it limiting. I guess we have to call "it" something. Good luck. Gain some more experience if you'd like to keep trying this out, and let us know how it goes. Gina
San Antonio TX			Username hidden (5609 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	It seems that all clubs run hot and cold (or luke warm in the case of the hot tub). If you really want to go to dance, clubs seem to be better on busier nights. Find a special event where the list is longer and try again. Our first club experience was disappointing for us; it was so crowded that we could barely move (let alone mingle) in the place. The next time we went, we had an awesome time. If it were me, and I was transplanted to my SO's home turf, I would prefer to explore someplace new together. It's kind of like the difference between moving in together in a house one of you had lived in vs a house that's new to you both. Once you've met a friend or two whose company you enjoy, your circle expands exponentially as you meet their friends. I've enjoyed reading your posts; you're a welcome addition to the forums! Good luck in finding what you're looking for!! J
Shippensburg PA			Username hidden (1794 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	First of all, you definitely have to try different places. Take a ride maybe to the Philly area or the montgomery/ bucks county area. Check out the different clubs, and parties where you can "view the list". That can sometimes help you decide if its the right place to go to, or having the right people to meet up with. Just a different class of people down this way. I'm sure you will be pleased. Sounds like you are a bit selective, thats a good thing, nothing wrong with that at all. Oh , I agree maybe a few teaser pics wouldn't hurt.....
Philadelphia PA			Username hidden (73 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Thanks yo.
Cocoa FL			Username hidden (645 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Also if you are looking to get any action from that profile you need at least one picture of yourself and your partner. I personally will never search for or consider contacting anyone without at least one public picture. It's the first sign you are an actual couple in the search process. Just sayin'.
Cocoa FL			Username hidden (645 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Very nice post raynelynn:)
North Highlands CA			Username hidden (3965 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	First off...by virtue of being non-monogamous and being open to the idea of multiple sex partners (at different times or at the same time), you are a swinger. There is not a defined sense in the "lifestyle" of what you will and won't do, or with whom. You decide that for yourself as you move along, as in the rest of life. People who try to "peg you" in conversations are probably just making small talk, or are trying to solocit you for play and just aren't real good with the charm thing. Some people, because of bad experiences, seem to just come up and ask personal sex life questions without a pleasant chat first. It's true that I personally prefer a more natural seduction approach, but then again I am at a SEX PARTY and it's okay for someone to know my preferences, experience level (not at sex, at attending swing events), interest level, etc. For instance, a man whom you are not attracted to asks you, "So how long have you been going to so-and-so's events?" Just answer politely. There is no way for a man to know if you are willing to play if they do not ask you, or at least attempt to start a conversation. If they persist in engaging you in a conversation you don't want to be in, politely excuse yourself and move to a different area. They will leave you alone. If they don't it may constitute harassment and you should tell the person in charge of the event. Some events and clubs are very nice and entertaining. One thing you will never know is what type of clientele they are catering to. Around here, there are groups with mostly old, mostly young, mostly overweight, mostly fit, etc. Also BDSM clubs are a good way to meet potential play mates if you don't lay it on too thick. Try not to blame the club or event if you don't have good prospects...if it was especially nice try again. If not move to another place. We drive to up to three hours sometimes to find a place that suits us. And still bomb out. We always have a plan B if we get to a place and it is unsafe, dirty, slow, etc. If there was no dancing and you wanted to dance, leave the party and go find a place to dance. Works for us, anyway. I HAVE noticed that as a exhibitionist, I am usually one of the first to be naked, dancing, flirting, etc. Don't expect others to make things happen for you...sometimes you need to take initiative. As many before here have said, not everyone likes the term "lifestyle", or "swinger", for that matter. But it is just a term, and no one seems to have come up with a better one as of yet. It seems like you are looking for the lifestyle label to mean something more or other than "recreation for the non-monogamous". I do understand that many couples that were monogamous for a period of time and suddenly reconsider and become "swingers" are common is this thing we call the "lifestyle". That's why it is more difficult to find people in younger age brackets in many places. But rest assured there are many of us that have always been "swingerish", to use your word, for a majority or all of our adult lives.
Cocoa FL			Username hidden (645 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Dear Happy (and all who have answered to her questions): Your less than thrilling night at the swing club is something we have experienced. We have gone to small clubs and house parties finding only overweight people, old people, single males; all practically attacking Michelle. But then again, we have been to some clubs/parties where we found some great folks and had a great time. You just never know from one night to the next. 'Happy' you have a lot of experience. But still you should try to have some goals about what you are looking for and want to do. You have to remember that everybody here has a different vision of what they want. You may be into BDSM, but we are not. Somebody else may be into watching his wife give bj's. Yet to another guy, he can't even understand that. Then again, there are those on the inter-racial hunt. They just love to get with somebody of the opposite hue. The swing world is a big garden and not everybody wants the same fruit. Figure what you want and plan a way to get it!!! XOXO, JackMichelle
Greenville SC			Username hidden (352 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	More food for thought, thanks. It brings to mind a few points. "assess where you are" definitley! I'm in Pennsylvania, rather than at home in Texas where I'd rather be. All kidding aside, assessing is exactly what I'm trying to do here, hopefully with the input of these our forum compatriots. "if you don't want to play in the lifestyle, then don't" That's the question, do I? What is The Lifestyle, and how do I know if I want to "play" in it? My conundrum is this: With much forum reading, I have seen many times repeated the sentiment that swinging is what you make of it. That how it is done varies from person to person, and there are no established rules beyond the applicable laws in your jurisdiction, and no "right" or "wrong" way to swing. (Judge not, etc.) There are useful and difficult aspects to this way of approaching any hobby or activity. On the one hand, anyone can take some aspect of the activity and leave others alone, saying "This is how I want to swing, so that's the right way to swing for me, therefore I am a swinger my way." Less pressure to do what everybody else is doing just to be able to keep the label, great! On the other hand, without a set definition, how does one know whether a hobby is a good fit? For example, I like throwing a ball, should I play baseball? Turns out baseball involves running, which I don't like. Can I refrain from running at all and still be a baseball player? Not really. Then baseball may not be the best sport for me. With "the lifestyle" how do I know if I want to play in it? What all does it entail? This is what I'm trying to ascertain by visiting this site, chatting with people online, perusing fora, and visiting a swingers' club with my partner. If it turns out to not be my flavor, then I'll just remain queer, kinky, and non-monogamous anyway. No loss. "try again without the negativity" That's the difficult part, since the negativity was brought on by a frustrating club visit, rather than preceeding it. One would think neutral expectations would help stave off a let-down, or at least make it a smaller let-down... But no. We went hoping to have a nice night out of dancing, hoping to perhaps meet some people we found interesting and/or attractive, and with a faint glimmer that perhaps we would enjoy some adult activity. To not even get dancing was what threw me. We tried not to go expecting tons of hot action because we didn't want expectation to cloud our experience. I hope to someday visit Paris, and see the Eiffel Tower, but I won't be dissappointed if I don't get kissed at the top of the tower by a hot Parisian, because I'm not expecting it. Instead, if that were to happen, I'd be pleasantly surprised. Oh, posting too long again! Must go help with dinner. (I'm the chick)
Wormleysburg PA			Username hidden (69 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Since you're asking, it sounds to me that maybe you should assess where you are at, because despite what you said about going to that club with no expectations, or low expectations, you sound like you went into it feeling pretty negative about the whole thing to begin with. Just my take based on what you've written. If you don't want to play in the Lifestyle, then don't, regardless of what your partner says. If you do, then try again, without the negativity. As others have said, check out other clubs, or try meeting someone through SLS or another site like this one. Just my two cents, for what it's worth.
Austin TX			Username hidden (133 post)

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TOPIC: Just not sure if this is the thing for me

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