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Jealousy Factor : Swingers Discussion 39778
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TOPIC: Jealousy Factor
Created by: DANANDFDN
Original Starting post for this thread:
My husband and I are quite new to this lifestyle so new that we have not had our first experience (we have been to a couple of Meet and Greets and meet some nice couples). My delema is this: my husband is quite at ease with this and I on the other hand am very nervous and do not know how to get to where he is. We talk (boy is he patient when I keep asking questions, and keeps reassuring me that he is not looking for a replacement, just wanting to "kick it up a notch"and play, ect...). Any advice on getting past the nervousness and just go with the flow would be greatly appreciated. Fran of Dave and Fran
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We've seen jealousy in it's worst form, in our best friends. I'm tired of tellin the story so I'll jus say we still miss'em.

Mike

Bedford PA
 
 
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I agree with Poly ( a first maybe LOL) all of us has a strain of jealousy in us. It is how we deal with it that counts. Do we keep our feelings bottled up inside where in the long run it will do more harm than good. Or do we talk about what we are feeling to our partner? Yes it maybe diffcult & hard to do but at least it is out in the open where both of you can deal with it & get it resolved. I spent way to many years keeping my feelings locked up inside & never talking about them. All it made me was frustrated & unhappy. One of the great things about Mrs Ravenarena is that she listens very well & accepts what the I am feeling & will work with me in dealing with my feelings. For example I felt a bit envious about a situation with a cpl that we were playing with at the time. Mrs Ravenarena & I talked about it & got it worked out. We never thought we could get closer together but just talking about it & dealing with it brought us so much closer together.

In all things communication is the key the more you can tell your partner everything even the not so fun stuff the closer & better off you will be.

Elkridge MD
 
 
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Very well said, Mike.

I'll probably regret saying this but... I note with interest the role of jealousy in the Christian religion. God is attributed right in the 10 commandments as being a jealous god. I have been, over the past year, realizing that so many aspects of Christianity I used to adhere to are detrimental to true maturity as a person. And since the Christian is commended to pattern moral behaviour after the god of the bible, the longer I pursued Christianity that way the longer I delayed my entrance into mature adulthood.

Baltimore MD
 
 
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Jealousy is the most useless and negative emotion that exists. I have never seen jealousy lead to any good. Jealousy breaks marriages, causes fights, starts wars, leads to murder & suicide, causes domestic violence, topples dynastys, crumbles bussinesses, runs hand in hand with possessiveness and greed. And society says jealousy is good, lust is bad. Once again shows how screwed up our society is. Many people still think jealousy shows love. It does not, it shows something much darker. If you love someone, set them free, if they stay with you it's because they want to, and you know you are loved in return. You can't ever know that if they are caged. Jealousy is purely an animal instinct, anyone who has raised animals knows that. It serves no usefull purpose in a civilized world. I love my wife dearly, and she is free to be and do whatever she wants to be and do. I place no rules or restrictions on her, she is totally free to be herself. I have no fear or doubts about her or her intentions. I know she loves me, she doesn't have to prove it. I can see it and believe it because I know she is being herself, not an extension of me. Because of this, I know her better than I could any other way, and she me too. Now that we've come to know this, we wouldn't have it any other way.

Mike who Loves Jackie

Bedford PA
 
 
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Nothing much to add here, except remember that trust is a very important issue in the lifestyle as well as open communication with your spouse or significant other. Keep the communication lines open.

Lakeland FL
 
 
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Well, I want to thank you for your input on this. I wanted to let you know that Dave and I had our first experience this past weekend and it went great. The Jealousy Factor was not there (as I thought it was going to be). This first experience as NOTHING like I thought it was going to be. Dave and I are looking forward to our next experience and definatly looking forward to the party!!! Dave and Fran

Elmer NJ
 
 
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I understand you totally on this issue. We have been in this "Lifestyle" for a little over a year now. When we started my husband stated that he had no desire to be with another women only wanted to see me with other men and women. I had reservations about this from the beginning. We had a few occasions where this did take place. Seeing how excited it made my husband was really a big turn on for me. From the very beginnning I told him straight up that I was a jealous person always have been always will be. He reassured me he had no interest in being involved with another women the only participation on his part would be with me. During one encounter with another women he performed oral sex on the women. No talking to me first just bam did it. When we talked about it after words he said he thought the heard me tell him to do it. Ok I can accept that explanation but the very next time that we were in a group setting he was being sneaky and trying to hide that he was feeling up two women. When I asked him about it he lied at first and said he didn't when I told him I saw him he said yes he had. All of this time when I ask him if his desires have changed he says no but his actions tells me otherwise. After a long discussion he told me that he does want to be with other women and that he has been lying to me all along about his desires. I feel cheated and betrayed by him. I feel I can't trust him anymore. As for me I am no longer going to be apart of this lifestyle since I don't feel comfortable with him having sexual relations with other women as i have stated from day one. If there are jealousy issues to start with then I think the best thing to do is to never start. You can never take back what is done.

Mckinney TX
 
 
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Fran, I commend you for being honest about your fear and anxiety and seeking helpful advice from more experienced swingers. I think almost all the responses you received so far are excellent.

This may or may not work for you, but here's what WE did when we started swinging. 1) We agreed on some "rules of conduct" that defined what we would and would not do. Of course, over time rules keep changing, but you always make changes together by mutual agreement AFTER you are home alone together again, NEVER in the middle of a swinging event. 2) We agreed that we would try swinging with our first couple, and if it wasn't comfortable for either of us, we would try again with the same couple, and even a 3rd time. We figured that if it wasn't working for us after 3 tries, then either we weren't cut out for swinging or this just wasn't the right couple. 3) If Couple #1 didn't work after 3 tries, we agreed that we would try again until we had given 3 different couples 3 different tries each. If it STILL wasn't working for us, we would conclude that swinging wasn't for us. 4) Finally, and VERY IMPORTANT, we agreed up front that EITHER of us could veto any couple without having to explain the reason. Same thing for a swing party situation - either of us could single out individuals we didn't want our partner having sex with. Nobody wants their life partner and the one they love to be sexual with someone you don't even like.

Even after all that, we found that we both had considerable difficulty with the gut-wrenching feeling we had when we saw the other having sex with someone else. After about a year of swinging with several different couples, probably at least once a month, and after attending perhaps 4 private home swing parties, we started to get aroused by thinking about watching each other playing with someone else. We tried it, and VOILA! This time those gut-wrenching feelings didn't happen, and it turned us on to see each other playing.

What happened to change things? Well, we learned that swinging really jump-started our libidos so that we were having a lot more sex, and more exciting sex, at home. So that was good! Also, we learned that STDs were pretty simple to avoid, and I (Jim) learned how to actually get a condom on and use it without losing my erection! LOL We also learned that neither of us was going to be in any danger of physical harm from playing with someone else. And we learned that neither of us was going to "fall in love with" someone else, or PREFER sex with someone else to sex with each other.

You can't expand the boundaries of your comfort zone without tolerating some discomfort. Just try to move outside your current comfort zone with small steps. Don't try to leap too far outside your comfort zone all at once. As time goes by you will be able to take more steps, and then more.

Keep talking and talking and talking with your hubby about how he feels and about how you feel - what you like, what turned you on or off, what makes you fearful or anxious. Never stop talking as long as either of you still needs to talk about it.

If swinging turns out to be not for you, then quit. But I'm betting that if you approach it in small steps and maintain that constant honest communication with your hubby, that both of you will gain comfort with it and come to really enjoy it.

Remember, there's an old (and usually very true) adage that "It's the husband who gets his wife to swing, and the wife who has the most fun!"

Best of luck, and Happy New Year!

Jim

South Riding VA
 
 
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what you are feeling is normal. For us we went about this totally different then most ave done it.It seems quite a few jump in with both feet and never look back. We have always been sexually active with oen another so we were in no hurry to test the waters. Normally I am not conservative at all,in everything else we and I have ever ventured into its been a lets do it atttiude. With swinging our first year we did nothing more then go to parties, party houses swign clubs both on and off premise ,meet and greets. We observed, brought ideas into our bedroom,explored outside posibilities. We wanted to see what was taboo , what was accepted, what was the norm and above all what is right and wrong. In that year what we found out there is no right way or wrong way to swing only the way that your most comfortable. We also found out as many others have , you make a scroll of rules these usually lax in the next few years. Most of the rules are made in fear of losing something.Over the last 7 years , we have a sparkling revelation.There is nothing that can surprise us,we know who ,what, where we are going and there is no looking back. Take your time , never be in a rush to go anywhere until you are totally comfortable in going where you may wish to go.

Sarasota FL
 
 
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This may not sit well, but if you aren't at ease...don't do it. Swinging is not for everyone. Swapping is for fewer. If you can't relax it's because this is not your idea of fun. Don't let the crowd, your husband, the circumstances pressure you....it's not worth it.

Soft swing if you want to explore (having sex in front of others... them with their partner you with yours but not changing partners). See how that works. Talk about it... talk some more.

My lady and I enjoy this addition to our socializing, the fact that the teasing and flirting does not go unpunished....lol. We have found a no drama security in each other that allows this for us. Good luck finding your bliss.

Phoenix AZ
 
 
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TOPIC: Jealousy Factor