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Husband lost control in our first couples experience Need advice! : Swingers Discussion 1957171061
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TOPIC: Husband lost control in our first couples experience Need advice!
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While I might sound like a biotch,, you need to stop till he understands how you are being made to feel and if he isnt concerned with it and it continues to happen withdraw from the lifestyle.

Spring TX
 
 
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Also...we were the newbies and they have been swinging with couples for 3 years, both of them bi. So I was really surprised that it wasn't us newbies having the jealousy issues...it was them.

We are talking about all this, trying to figure out the tunnel vision. Will keep u posted.

Any more advice is welcome! :)

Cincinnati OH
 
 
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Thank you for your replies. I do appreciate the different perspectives. There is other information, that I just wasn't able to add due to the length of the post. lol

Scandle: This was not his first experience with another woman. We had previously found the unicorn... a gorgeous bi female and we had a blast. So much, we played with her again the next night. She was absolutely stunning & was actually with her that I discovered that I was bi. lol

Sweettart...Regarding the incident at the beginning of the night...We discussed rules & boundaries as all couples should when we decided to venture into swinging with other couples. Our number one rule "Always show each other respect" And for us, feeling connected in one way or another, during the experience is an important part of playing . So the incident at the beginning. The room didn't have an Ipod dock, so we decided to have the TV on for background noise. My husband was flipping thru the channels & couldn't find any music channels. He couldn't find what he wanted, so he put the TV on "Meet the Fockers". I simply said "A comedy?" I don't want a comedy on. I was standing 2 feet from he & his partner. He said "There's nothing else. You just need to get over it!" Then he swiftly turned his back on me and started passionately kissing while I stood there in shock. To me...that was disrespectful. Had nothing to do with playtime. It was my husband acting like a stranger.

Cincinnati OH
 
 
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Good catch, Lady K! I had to re-read the OP to see that the hubby had not been with another woman in all of their swinging adventures. It's likely his engines were so charged up that reason, diplomacy, previous agreements, vows, etc., ALL went out the window. Again, it's not an excuse, but a good point for Boyd to address when she talks to her husband about their future in swinging.

Sheboygan Falls WI
 
 
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Many good points have been made here already that I can't really add to, so I'll address a different part of the OP.

She wrote: Interesting thing...I am the hot chick. The woman he was with was average & he wasn't all that interested in her physically. So now I wonder, what would he do if the woman is really hot?

Babe, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. YOU think of yourself as "the hot chick" but it's possible your husband actually found her averageness to be more appealing at the time. The fact that they both thoroughly enjoyed the sex they were having with each other indicates there was a lot of impetus to keep it going hot and heavy. This does not excuse your husband's disregard of you, but can help you put it into another perspective.

Sheboygan Falls WI
 
 
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kinddraggon and Holly make very good points. I agree you shouldn't let it continue. I guess what I was getting at is what Holly said much better. You need to let a little time go by so you're not overly emotional about it and you can have a serious conversation that yields results.

As for the other husband deserving blame for being jealous, I'm not sure I'd assign much blame there. Maybe disappointment that he didn't do much to comfort her. Having been with couples in MFM situations, the husbands always have to be on the lookout for guys with dishonest motives. I've read on these forums that a good number of the emails couples receive from guys ask if they can play without the husband present. It's an unfortunate reality that there are a lot of guys out there who think they can steal wives or end up stalking the woman. Maybe he was too sensitive to the other guys' actions, but I can see where something he perceived to be out of the ordinary could push him into protection mode. Even though I'm a single guy, I can't blame husbands for being sensitive to that. It does frustrate me, though, that there are guys who foster that skepticism in the minds of husbands.

Fort Washington MD
 
 
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These are all reasons why we have yet to play with a couple. With a single, all are involved at the same time. there is no loss of a connection.

Allentown PA
 
 
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I'm not married... so I know my experience is different... but I had a swing partner for about a year. We became best friends and attended clubs and parties together. We also did some couple swaps.

We ran in to similar issues - where he would be sooo focused on the other lady that I would feel completely left out and one time, I was very unhappy with my experience with the man and was even more perturbed that my partner was oblivious to my signals because he was so focused on the other lady.

This next advice comes from my personal experiences in the LS coupled with my educational background (Professor of Interpersonal Communication). It's not a good idea to confront the issue while you're still emotional about it. You will both be more likely to become defensive and say things that are hurtful. So, once you have a bit of distance from the emotions of that evening, you definitely do need to discuss how you are both feeling about couple swap. Try to identify specific behavior that triggers your negative emotional response. For instance, I found that I didn't like the separation of seperate beds. I wanted to be able to reach out touch my partner when I needed to feel that connection. As you identify issues that bothered each of you, come up with solutions for them. Perhaps you will have some code phrases that will indicate circumstances such as "i am very unhappy so please wrap up so we can leave." Perhaps you will create new rules for your couples swap time , such as same bed play or start with your own spouse first or....

As for the specifics of the situation you described in your post, it sounds like your husband shouldn't bear all the blame. The man you were with wasn't very respectful either. He denied you even a kiss a few times (which ideally your husband should have heard and realized there was a problem). It sounds like the man you were with did become jealous of the experience his wife was having. That's not your husband's fault.

Now one thing my partner taught me early on was that he strives to pay attention to where the other couple is in their play so that he matches it - he said it was poor etiquette to go longer than the other couple or to do things with the wife that the other man wasn't doing with the lady.

I know this is lengthy.. and at 3am ! lol... but I suppose my main message is that this LS needs great communication to be a success.

Pittsburgh PA
 
 
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I've never heard or been part of anything that bad, but I have seen husbands who were a little too into the other woman than I was comfortable with. Obviously, the swapping and threesome lifestyle being what it is, requires a level of intimacy that's out of societal norms. That doesn't mean there is still a line and that lifestylers, oftentimes the males in my experience, enjoy dancing near the line and seeing how far it can be pushed. If this continues to occur, the two of you need to have a serious conversation about what you each want to get out of this. It is one side of the story, but your side implies his goals are very different from yours.

Fort Washington MD
 
 
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We just had our very first couples experience and I need advice! My husband lost control & had total & complete tunnel vision.We have been in the lifestyle for a while now & have had several MFM's and only one MFF. Every time we have had an MMF, I have always been tuned in to my husband & I've always made sure that he feels a part of any playtime we have.

We recently had our first couples experience. (We are full swap.) We met, had drinks, &enjoyed some one on one flirting before heading to the room. But things went very wrong as soon as we got to the room.My husband was so excited to be with another woman & became rude & dismissive of me, grabbing his partner & getting down to business. I am no drama queen by any means, but damn it...there he goes breaking the rules from the get go.Our number one rule..."ALWAYS treat each other with respect." I called him out on it, he apologized and I left it at that. I wanted to play & have fun and I wasn't going to dwell on it.

We began to play, same room, separate beds. All was great. We were all having lots of hot sexy fun. My partner finished well before my husband, who kept going WAY longer... then I could see that her husband was getting upset. My husband was ignoring both me & her husband. He never looked at me, never spoke a word to me... Very different than how he we interact usually. So then I tried to get my partner to kiss me...he refused. Ugh! So I politely asked her husband if it was OK if I went over there & I started getting freaky as possible with his wife. My husband finally finished.

The rest of the night was a bust. My partner laid there & refused to touch me, so I played with them. But I really wanted the full swap experience rather than 10 minutes, it's over, & then he's rude to me. The evening ended way early with my partner saying they needed to go. My husband and the wife were kissing goodbye hot & heavy. Her husband gave me a peck. I asked him if he would kiss me more. He refused and then pulled his wife away from my husband. My husband was on cloud 9, but the night totally sucked for me, and he was clueless of that fact.

So the two experiences that we have had with females, my husband lost control, did things he wasn't supposed to do, was disrespectful & ignored me & wasn't respectful & cognizant of the other husband's feelings. Essentially... he becomes like a dog in heat & all he can focus on is fucking that female.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

P.S. Interesting thing...I am the hot chick. The woman he was with was average & he wasn't all that interested in her physically. So now I wonder, what would he do if the woman is really hot?

Cincinnati OH
 
 
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TOPIC: Husband lost control in our first couples experience Need advice!