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Husband lost control in our first couples experience Need advice! : Swingers Discussion 1957171051
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TOPIC: Husband lost control in our first couples experience Need advice!
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You guys are WAY over-analyzing this. The whole "Ugly Duckling" thing was just to explain that I've been there before. After the hell I have gone through with a brain tumor...I love who I am. I love life. Every day is a gift & I'm thankful for every day I get. And I have learned after joining this lifestyle...apparently I am hot. But I don't dwell on it. People find that very appealing for a woman to be hot & not know it. That's all I was saying.

@AkronFT: I do not dismiss valid input. However I will dismiss input that does not have any validity because the person is making assumptions based on their own personal views. I have never once said that I have a problem with the way my husband plays with another woman. I have never once said that I don't want him to enjoy himself. These are unfounded assumptions that you are making. My husband & I have rules as a couple. If you don't ...fine. That's your choice. But we have agreed that we will always treat each other with respect & that we are going to play a certain way. And just recently, it didn't happen that way. But when we stay within the boundaries that we have established...we have a crazy hot experience. I'm not really sure why it's so hard for you to understand the difference. And I shall remind you again...this name is not our real name. I am not wasting any more of my day in a verbal joust with you. There's several posters previous to yourself that understand & get it. So I shall wait to hear something insightful from them, as they are advising based on facts given & not making assumptions that I don't want my husband to enjoy himself. Geez.

Cincinnati OH
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@ AkronFT: Just joined this site to learn more about swinging. Ages & location changed with no photos. If you can figure out who he is, you have super human powers. I just wanted help as a newbie...that's all.

Cincinnati OH
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Sorry guys, but you both are WAY off base. Not really sure why the negative psychological analysis is necessary here. Please keep in mind that every couple chooses to play the way they want to play and they make their own rules accordingly. It's quite obvious that our rules are different than yours and our recent experience most likely would not infringe upon the way you & your spouse play in any way. But let me remind you...please respect the fact that not everyone has been swinging as long as you have & that we have our own set of rules and how we want our experiences to be. Thank you.

Cincinnati OH
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When we joined the swing site, we got a lot of emails & we still get lots of emails daily.My husband loved it at first & would say"See!I told you you're hot."He enjoyed all the messages we were getting.However,he said as time has gone by,he has felt more & more insecure about himself.(I think he is the hottest thing ever,but he disagrees.)He went on to tell me that he enjoyed all the accolades that I was receiving.He said he felt "proud" that I was his wife. But,he said he started feeling left out.He said that people would contact us & go on & on about me,but nothing about him.We were doing MFM's at first & he said that it seemed like every guy that contacted us was perfect...muscular, six pack abs, young, great looking...He said"I don't have a six pack.I'm not good looking."I hugged him & told him that he's the most beautiful man to me & that's all that matters.He shook his head & said"I've always felt unattractive. I've always been really skinny.Never able to put on muscle.And I look at these great looking,young guys that are all dying to have sex with u & I just feel like 'Why is she with me?She can have anyone she wants.'None of the women go on & on about me.Hell,even all the women are going crazy about you too."He continued"Have u seen our profile?You have thousands of views & tons of votes.My pictures have barely been looked at & no votes." I was really taken aback.This handsome,confident man is dealing with issues that I never knew he had.I tried to explain to him that these sites are definitely more about the women, but he just shook his head.He said"I've never told anyone this. I've never told anyone that I have always felt unattractive.And now I'm feeling even more unattractive."

He went on to say"When we met with (the couple), it was the first time that I didn't feel like I didn't matter.It was the first time that I felt like 'Hey, she's actually into ME.' She told me that I was hot & that really excited me.She was really into you too.But after we talked about that,she was complimenting me & telling me how excited she was to get to be with me.It got me so pumped & so excited,that I lost control.When we got to the room,I wanted to get started so badly that I was disrespectful & rude to u & I'm so sorry for that. I didn't mean to block u out either. I would never do that to u. But I did, I apologize & it will never happen again."

Well, u could have knocked me over with a feather.Wow. So the question now?What do we do with this information?Well, I totally understand feeling unattractive,so I get it.But how will this effect our ability to play with another couple?I still have my concerns.But I think that the first step to resolving a problem is getting to the root of that problem & that's what we did.We're taking a break.We talked about different ways of dealing with it in the future. That night, we kind of treated it like a "double date" swapping with the other couple while we were in the bar.So the whole night,even before we made it to the room,he was with her & I was with him.Now I realize, that all backfired.He told me that I always make him feel so sexy. So I thought maybe in a couples situation,he could start out with me first.That way we would feel that connection from the get go,it will be fresh in his mind how incredible sex is between us,& then swap. Is that a weird way of doing things?Have u guys ever started that way & then swapped?Would you do foreplay + some sex, then swap or just foreplay & save all the sex for the OP?

To make a long story even longer...lol...we had the best make-up sex EVER!! Man...it was HOT! LOL I'm so glad we've been able to figure this out.Now we've just got to make changes to how we play.So again, my wise swinging experts...how should we go about swinging with couples?And P.S. If you have made it to this point & still reading this...you're a real trooper! lol

Cincinnati OH
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Wow...thanks so much for your words of encouragement & all the suggestions. You have helped so much! And I am happy to say that we have resolved the issue and we did discover "why" things happened the way they did. And I have to tell you...it was quite a surprise to me. I truly had no idea. Sit back & have a cup of coffee (lol)...it's a long story, but very interesting.

As you could imagine, discussing this issue was not fun and my husband just kept saying that he felt like a total jackass. (I never called him that, but he felt that way because everything that he did was so uncharacteristic of him.) I had told him the day before that I needed him to figure it out...figure out why he gets this tunnel vision & does things he should not do. Now I have always been certain that it was not intentional. BUT...intentional or not, it still has the same end result. And playing, for us, is about having fun & sharing these naughty experiences together. We LOVE talking & recapping all the naughty things we did & saw! What a turn on & it keeps us horny ALL the time. I love it and I want to keep enjoying this lifestyle. But of course...not this way.

So we talked yesterday again & his reply was exactly what I didn't want to hear. He said, pertaining to both incidents.... "I don't know. It's just so exciting to be with another woman that I just lose control." Ugh... I pointed out to him that every time we play with a couple or have an MFF, it's going to be a new woman and that would essentially mean that every time, it's going to be a problem for him to maintain control & avoid the "sex trance". LOL (BTW, I like that term! It perfectly describes it!) But I told him that there's got to be something more. You know... I just can't convey to you how thoughtful, kind, & loving this man is to me on a daily basis. We have been together for 3 years (been friends for 24 yrs) & he's never wavered. So, the 180 he took? I just couldn't believe that it could all be chalked up to excitement & our conversation was not going well at all. If that's the reason, swinging with couples wasn't going to be an option for us. I told him that answer was shallow & weak and that he needed to dig deeper because I know there's more to it than that. And that's when he did really begin to dig deep & he began to tell me things that I never knew.

Now bear with me here. I would be remiss if I didn't give you a little backstory to see how my husband came to an epiphany regarding his behavior.-----We joined another swingers site about 6 months ago. Now, in a previous post, I had said that I was the "hot one". Lol Oh dear! Lol I just want to clear that up. I said that because I was angry at the time I posted, but I don't see myself that way at all! If you have ever seen the movie "Shallow Hal", they talk about the "Ugly Duck Syndrome" One of the characters explained that some women are ugly for so long, that when they do become attractive, they don’t even realize it. I guess that would describe me. I used to be over 100 lbs overweight due to a brain tumor on the pituitary. (Cushing's Disease) So, now that I'm cured and I've lost all the weight...I guess I can see that I look pretty good now, but not the way my husband sees me. That being said, my husband started pouring his heart out to me, began telling me how he has felt & the reason for his behavior... (Continued in next post...) :)

Cincinnati OH
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boyd, i am sorry you had such a shitty time. I know how you feel. My husband has had the issue of "zoning in on his partner". Well, if you know me, you know that I am not afraid of being the bitch. I wear that title as comfortably as I wear the title of lady ha! Let me tell you. I have stood up, walked across the room buck nekkid, and asked him if he 1. had forgotten his name (so I reminded him) or 2. had he temporarily gone deaf? He never "zoned out" again, I assure you. As far as you. You need to talk about it. I would not meet another couple until you have sat down and talked about it, and a "im sorry, i fucked up" just wont cut it. He needs to hear and understand what he did...and how it would have felt had HE been in your position. The other couple...well, the husband should have stopped and asked to change partners. But he let it happen. He needs to learn to be more aggressive....and they need to have their own talk.


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Two good things, you kept having fun, not letting it ruin your night, and even more important, you did communicate. Things do happen, and it is always important to keep communicating with each other.

Quakertown PA
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Sorry for the confusion guys! So much detail I couldn't add & so many people involved. lol

In answer to your questions, yes...we have had an MFF with the same woman twice. The only thing that went wrong then was that he broke our rule of doing no anal. When I realized they were doing it, I was like "Damn...he's broken our rule. Well, we'll just talk about it later. " and I didn't say a word and just kept enjoying myself. I wasn't going to let that ruin my first time with a woman, that's for sure!

I joined the my husband & his partner to get him to cum. He could take off the condom with me and I knew he wouldn't last long watching me getting it on with another woman. And it worked immediately. lol So I got back in the bed with my partner, thinking that it was all over with and done. They were seasoned swingers and he would jump right back in the saddle. But he didn't & when like I said, I asked him to kiss me (seeing that my husband & his wife were back into it again.) That's when I realized. " OK, this thing with him is a bust. I'm not letting this completely destroy my night." So I ended up playing with his wife for the rest of the night, while my husband played with her as well.

I didn't talk to my husband about how bad things went for me and we went to bed. He snuggled up to me & we fell asleep. I didn't feel like talking about it at 3 am and really, I just wanted to feel close to him since I hadn't felt it all night. I talked to him the next day and it wasn't until I pointed out the things that went wrong that he realized what really happened the night before & he himself said "Damn...I really screwed up. I'm sorry."

Now, I love this man to death. He is my partner & my best friend. He treats me like a princess. And in all the threesomes we have had, never once has he acted or spoke to me like that. And that's why this change in him was SO unexpected. We have been talking. And we are making headway in regards to the "why" of it all. (I'm in the kitchen fixing dinner & stole away to type this) :) Will let you know what we discover & decide.

Cincinnati OH
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Scandle, I think the couple in the op had a FMF experience that also went wrong. That was how I read it. I could be wrong.

Quakertown PA
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Boyd, I'm confused now that I've looked at your OP again. You wrote: "We just had our very first couples experience and I need advice! " and then later: "So the two experiences that we have had with females, my husband lost control, did things he wasn't supposed to do, was disrespectful & ignored me & wasn't respectful & cognizant of the other husband's feelings."

I thought the second sentence above indicated that you've had more than just this one couples experience. Did you mean to say that although you've had 2 experiences with females, in this case your husband lost control, did things he wasn't supposed to do, etc.?

In any case, it may be a challenge to figure out what was going through his mind but well worth the effort. I agree with the other poster - give swinging a rest for now while you work out all the dynamics of the relationship. Good luck.

Sheboygan Falls WI
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TOPIC: Husband lost control in our first couples experience Need advice!