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Husband lost control in our first couples experience Need advice! : Swingers Discussion 1957171011
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TOPIC: Husband lost control in our first couples experience Need advice!
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No beautiful Sav! I am no his keeper :). I am his partner. If he wanted to leave he will, I would not stand in his wife by telling him to choose. On the other hand, I fully understand that just because he or I may fall in love with another, does not mean that we stop being in love with each other.

Think a moment, why are we imposing the "don't fall in love with another or else rule."

1- Is it really something that anyone of us can help? Yes, we can disassociate ourselves from the party that we fell in love with, we can stop seeing them, phoning them or prevent any contact. But WHY? did you ever ponder that?

2- If for example your partner fell in love with another, do you honestly want him to be in a position where he/she reverted to the rule of "don't fall in love" and choose you? Could you live with yourself knowing this?

3- Why are people scared of falling in love, if you genuinely are in love with your husband/wife/domestic partner etc, how could you even impose such a rule, being in love is a gift, how could you limit your partner from something that feels so awesome, in what way will it harm you?

Allenhurst NJ
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I'm not really making the connection between boundaries and insecurities. SED darling I love you to pieces, that being said I wonder if your partner fell madly, deeply in love with another would you not set him free? For his sake or your own? I believe most would, no wants to be with someone who chooses to be elsewhere. I think, if that is true you do have the same boundaries as most of us. Stating " you will not fall in love with another or I will leave " isn't much different than knowing if that were the case you would. No one can control another and nor should they . In the context of swinging I think most of us are on the same page in feeling that IF deep emotional connections form with playmates one has moved out of the the realm of swinging into an affair of the heart. Our love is based on love, choice and commitment, we are together because we chose to be together but if one of us changes the dynamics of that relationship by falling "in love" with another there is very little question in my mind that our relationship would be over. Is that a threat meant to keep Mr Sav ? Not in the least but it is a reality whether spoken or unspoken. We've never actually discussed emotional attachments , I believe it is an understanding we share......this is about sex and fun. It never occurs to me to worry he will fall for another and I am sure the thought never crossed his mind but I would say if we were asked point blank " do you have rules about emotional attachments ? We'd both nod and say "It has no place in our swing life ". I'm not sure that makes sense or you get what I am trying to say . I do know you well enough to know you'd not be offended by my comments. I just feel that what you are saying and what is being stated by others isn't really so much different. Perhaps I am wrong, wouldn't be the first time lol

Mrs Sav

Anniston AL
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Kind,

I'm sure that you re-read my post, unfortunately you didn't get what I was trying to say. I didn't speak about any other rules other than emotional entanglement. As far as I'm concerned, if it needs to be spelled out (a rule about not getting involved) than the relationship is simply not as strong, nor is there confidence in the partnership. Imposing such a limitation/rule in my mind is out of insecurity and created by people that would generally blame anyone but their spouse should their relationship break up due to "cheating."

Complex, I understand, but it is what it is.

Allenhurst NJ
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Most people seem to impose boundaries between "caring," "emotional connection" and "love."

Most people seem to further separate the concept of love into different categories: "Love thy neighbor" is different than "love thy family." And "romantic love" (some call it "being in love") is something else altogether.

The suggestion, by most, is that neighborly and family love are potentially infinite, but "being in love" needs to be or naturally is exclusive.

(This raises a question of cause and effect: Do people feel this romantic love and then decide that they must embrace exclusivity, or do they develop a desire for exclusivity and then decide that this means they are "in love.")

Almost by definition, swingers separate sex out from the concept of exclusivity, which to the majority of society seems inextricably tied to "being in love."

Some swingers view any "emotional connection" as a threat to their exclusive romantic love. Yet, most swingers seem to feel that some basic level of emotional connection enhances the lifestyle activities.

Some suggest emotional limits in order to minimize the threat. Some say that there can be no emotional limits because this would be contrived, potentially breed resentment. (If you love someone set them free, if they love you they will return....)

The approach of some advocates of polyamory is to break down all the lines between different definitions of love and to avoid lines between acceptable and unacceptable levels of emotional involvement. The key, they would argue, is to focus on the question of COMMITMENT.

These people point out that love is not a scarce resource. It is unlimited in all of its forms. On the other hand, time and attention are highly limited resources and if people are going to have successful relationships they would be well served to reach clear understandings about how that time and attention will be spent.

Rules about time and attention are important. Rules about "emotional involvement" seem unnatural. Can a person really control how they feel?

Rules about actions and committed behavior seem far less complicated. If I swing with a guy's wife, I accept absolutely the possibility that I will never see her or them again, if they choose. No matter how much I might care for her (and him), I see this as "no biggie." Promises not to make private calls - easy. No secret emails or meets - obviously.

Some people find that these kinds of commitments are easy to make but hard to keep. They cite the possibility/risk of finding someone new and "falling in love with" despite the best of intentions.

However, if a person does not believe in being "in love," that risk is really not there.

This is not an attack on anyone's view point, attitude or lifestyle choice. It is not an endorsement of any particular philosophy. I do not even suggest that my (highly qualified) assumptions are accurate, let alone complete. It is just some food for thought before hitting the road on a lovely Thursday morning.

Amherst Canada
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Our relationship is not open. It's a relationship of two adults who are with each other for well over 20 years out of sheer freedom and love. Not out of obligation limitations and insecurities.

Allenhurst NJ
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p.s. I don't think anything is wrong, what works for us might not work for others.

Allenhurst NJ
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Kind,

Re-read my post, my response was to all who proclaimed that they have a rule about no emotions in swinging encounters out of fear that it will, somehow be a risk of losing your partner (or more accurately cheating).

Kind,

In an attempt to make it clearer for you, I'm going to ask you this.

People get married and they exchange vows. Most exchange generic run of the mill vows. Part of the vows is to remain monogamous and honest to your partner. Despite the promise, how many people after making such a promise keep it? A lot, how many do not, a lot.

We wrote our vows, we thought them through, even as children at the age of 22 we were able to determine what we wanted to say, non of which were rules, non of which were any promises to bind or guilt us.

For myself and my husband, we are incredibly secure and confident with each other, enough so, that we don't need to guilt each other into what we can or can not do when it comes to swinging. I can not fathom, telling my partner that he can not fall in love with another or I'll leave him. I want him to be with me because he wants to be with me, I want him to spend his life with me out of completely free will, not out of guilt that if he falls in love with another I will leave him. Our relationship is slightly different than the relationships of others. Though I have a strong suspicion that many have such stability and confidence in each other in the swinging arena.

Allenhurst NJ
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You'd be wrong GF. ;)

Why would anyone need a rule that says we can't develop feelings for playmates? We have no such rule for a couple of reasons.

First, if we thought we needed a rule like that, we'd be fools to be in the lifestyle. We'd be better off trying to figure out why either of us felt we needed that rule, and what it would say about our relationship.

Second. Simply acknowledging someone as a "favorite playmate" is indicative of feelings for that person, even if those feelings are not at a level that would be detrimental to the relationship.

As for rules in general, we have them because they allow us to set parameters that we are comfortable with that allow us the best opportunity for a good time to be had by all.

Cape Canaveral FL
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I am a firm believer in the fact that you can not steal another if they don't want to be stolen (so to speak).

very true

Philadelphia PA
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perfectly said SED

Allentown PA
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TOPIC: Husband lost control in our first couples experience Need advice!