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TOPIC: Hurt by our Swinger Mentors
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A lot of people in the LS are very mercenary. Obviously you take a “sincere” approach to LS couplings. You want there to be a feeling of friendship and trust there. You don’t expect to be BFFs or to “own” someone else but you do expect some basic friendship ethics to apply, some degree of sympathy or loyalty. You are not wrong. But you will often be disappointed by others.

I am assuming your mentoring couple are experienced in the LS. Whether they have a different emotional/ethical approach (“It’s just sport fucking.”) or are more adept at rationalizing thoughtlessness, when a couple has been with a lot of people they are going to have a different attitude about the whole thing than you (or I) do. You have to learn to accept that, whether you like it or not.

I would advise you not to vent your anger on either of the offending couples. As tempting as it is, it will just make you look bad, even if you are right.

OTOH, you should also consider whether what these other couples did is not so indefensible as you view it. You state that your wife “was not at all attracted sexually to the husband” of the new couple, but you had great chemistry (and solo sex) with the wife. So, this means that you did not really have a couples connection with the new couple, but there was solely a connection between you and the wife. You have to understand that this is not at all satisfactory or desirable to the husband, to know that your wife didn’t want to be with him. I have been in both positions: the other guy and my wife having a connection but the other woman and I having little, and the opposite (woman hot, guy a dud). The new couple – esp. think of the husband - was not wrong for not wanting to be in this ambivalent situation. You have to be disciplined and focus always on the couples connection, as difficult as this can be when the other woman is hot and you have a great connection with her. But if your wife isn’t into the guy, then you have to say, “too bad, oh well, this is not for us,” not, “how do I work this so I can get with the wife without my wife having to get with the husband?”

In my opinion you should have not gotten involved with this new couple in the first place because there was not a couples connection. You should not have done solo sex with the wife because this just leads to emotional ties and confusion (“huge chemistry”), particularly in decent people which you seem to be. (Swinging is not cheating because you are both doing it together and not developing “relationship” feelings for the other partner.)

You have to learn to walk away from any situation where there is not a real four-way attraction all around, or it just leads to problems every time.

Albany NY
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Why would you be upset that the two couples played without you. Doesn't that make it more likely that you can now accomplish your original goal of a 6-way? You have played with the new couple wife without the mentor couple so you have no exclusive deal.

Minnetonka MN
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Recently another very experienced couple that helped us get into swinging did something I thought was unethical, and hurtful. We recently met a new couple. This couple has also been experienced in the lifestyle. There was huge chemistry between me and the wife, however, my wife wasn't at all attracted sexually to the husband. They got along great as friends and we had several "vanilla" dates. We all talked about it and everyone agreed to allow me and the lady to play alone. It was great sex, and everyone was communicating well. My wife and I thought it might work out if we introduced our new friends to the couple that mentored our entrance into swinging. We have played with this couple several times and my wife is completely comfortable with him. The plan was to see if there was chemistry amongst the 6 of us that would allow everyone to pair-off fairly into 3 couples - me and the new lady, my wife and the mentor husband, and the new guy with the mentor's wife. Everyone would be playing with a partner they were compatible with. We all met one Sunday and everyone seemed to click nicely. There was no playing that day. The following weekend we met up with our new couple again and accidentally found out that they had played (just four of them) with our mentoring couple, just the night before. I was terribly hurt and felt deceived by our mentors at the deliberate exclusion of me and my wife. The four of them also had agreed not to tell me and my wife about it because they knew it might cause uncomfortable feelings and hurt. So, they knew their behavior could potentially be harmful, but they did it anyway. I really don't know how to handle this with all of the angles and potential to get something wrong. We have been good friends with the mentor couple for years before swinging with them, and that relationship I feel is also jeopardized now. We have become great friends with the new couple, in fact it was the husband, that felt guilty about what had happened so much so that he could not honor the pact they had made not to tell us. I am so angry, I don't want to react inappropriately. Any suggestions or advice from you seasoned veterans out there? Thank you in advance.

Maryville TN
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TOPIC: Hurt by our Swinger Mentors