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How many couples are totally in it together : Swingers Discussion 2019021031
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TOPIC: How many couples are totally in it together
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It blows me away how much communication A and I still need and struggle with after 22 yrs of marriage."

I know, isn't that the truth? We hit 21 on June 5 and we have to do what I call "friendly reminders" lol. marriage truly is a continuous evolution. whether married 2, 20 or 40....people continue to grow and change. Its growing and changing together that makes the difference.


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Rdy, we learned this very thing in the lifestyle...and it surprised us. Jay and I have been together since really, we were kids. I was EIGHTEEN for goodness sakes. My daughter can't hardly get dressed without me lol....I look at her and think I was MARRIED AT HER AGE????! Anyways. My point is, in our marriage and as parents we are pretty spot on with each other. When we started swinging we assumed that this would continue. WOW were we wrong. We have had some knock down drag outs in past years because he assumed I was okay with this and i was like ummmmm NOT....and vice versa. Like Joey....we had to sit and come to the realization that we do not read each other's minds. even at parties, we always communicate before playing...if nothing else, respect sake.


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So glad y'all talked!!!! That is wonderful. If more couples did like you...sat and talked about things...divorce would not be as common as it is. So happy for you. Remember, you will never be the same...you are 2 separate people. It is melding your differences into a happy relationship...not one giving up solely for the other. You did a good thing.


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I have to say, Im glad I wrote this. I really expected to get bashed right off the board when I posted. You guys have been great with your advice!

Thank You!

We did have a chat last night about it. Most of our problem is that in the past she has gone along with stuff that I wanted to do, to make me happy, and that caused a problem. And she never said anything at the time.

Thats something that Im very sensitive to now. I dont want her to do that. I would feel terrible about it. I dont want any part of our swinging to be a "compromise" when it comes to who or when.

You can compromise on a restaurant or a movie, but I dont want her giving in to have sex with someone, to please me. Thats wrong beyond words and I would and have felt like the biggest POS if that happened.

So I tend to beat around the bush and tiptoe around with this stuff. And that sends mixed signals. Im constantly worried when she suggests going to the club or something that its because she knows ive been wanting to go and shes giving in. So we end up not going, when she actually DID want to go.

So we agreed that I would be upfront in what I have in my mind or what I want to do.

But more important, she would be upfront whether or not she was in the mood or feeling it.

Otherwise we get into that cycle where it does start to build with me where everynight Im hoping shes "in the mood" especially since she KNOWS I am. I dont say anything. She doesnt say anything and we end up watching TV and being pretty distant with eachother.

Id rather her come out and say....."I know youre in the mood to play but Im not really feeling it now"

That would be totally fine with me. I have zero problem with that. She thought saying that would make me mad but its the exact opposite. I feel better knowing that instead of keeping quiet just hoping.

If that makes any sense....lol

Otherwise after a week of this building......and me hoping......Ill ask "what do you wanna do?" she say i dunno. "What do you have in mind"

I want to jump up and scream "WHY ARE YOU ASKING?!?!?! YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVE IN MIND!!!!!!"

And she knows im thinking that. So why play like she doesnt.

Im ok not getting what I want. Same as when I want steak and she makes chicken. Im not thrilled. But Im not flipping pissed. It doesnt ruin the night.

But I do enjoy when I come home and there are steaks on the grill without me asking for them

Mount Juliet TN
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joey...all I know is, you need to communicate this. You are feeling growing anger, resentment and frustration. Like how does she have the right to control YOUR sexuality. These are feelings and emotions that will not just resolve, they will fester inside you. Sweetie, if you do not address these...I'll tell you what usually happens. I am not saying this will happen with you, I will say what usually happens. An affair. Affairs are NOT just sexual like most think. They are often because one feels like they are in a marriage by themself, they are being ignored, their emotional needs are not being met, they no longer feel "alive"...there are all sorts of reasons affairs begin other than fucking. I really, really advise that you address these frustrations. Sooner rather than later, vs. allowing them to fester.


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We're definitely both into this. Our situation works very simply. I do the bulk of the heavy lifting. I peruse the site and narrow the pool of prospective couples down.

Then I sit with her on the computer with the list of potentials. She yay or nays them. If she's in a particularly frisky mood, he goes through a few extra profiles and might add one or two to the list. I then do most of the e-mailing and correspondence. Once we make contact she's definitely into talking to them or texting them before the meetup.

Have to admit that jut recently he was upset and bothered that a couple we met didn't work out. It's alright though. We've had such good luck, we knew it was bound to happen.

Waco TX
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I posted before your second post.

I'm like Jay too. I think one of the problems is we don't do much besides sit home. We work together and at night can't really think of anything to do. So we don't get out much other than hanging out with some g rated friends doing the same thing we would do at home.

I do find myself getting a littwle resentment which I know is wrong.

Ill say "what do you wanna do tonight?" She wont know and she"LL ask me already knowing what I have in mind.

So then I find myself night after night hoping "this will be the night"

I do catch myself getting into these moods where resentment starts building.

Its Friday night....no work...came home early....I scheduled work so we can go in late Saturday..........maybe....maybe......then I look at the clock and its 10:30......

Now its Saturday.....off Sunday.....haven't gone out or done anything in months.....perfect night......maybe.....maybe........9:00 still on the couch....10:00.....11:00

By now she senses my frustration. She's leaving for a week in a couple days. I think....."surely she'll want to have some fun before she goes away for a week then her period is due the day she gets back killing 2 more weeks of possibility.

2 nights till she leaves Ok still on the couch

Last night before a 2 week dead zone...............

Now I'm like WTF. just to myself though

But I guarantee that when she's gone on this camping trip....she will play with someone..... She'll tell me about it. Its not against the rules.

It will turn me on and get me revved up again.

Ill be raring to go when she gets back.........and it wont happen.

Mount Juliet TN
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Lost

You nailed it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Every so often that's how she gets. And I think "JACKPOT!!!!!" "NOW WE'RE TALKING"

she's like on a freaking mission and I'm trying to catch up to her....and loving every second of it

Then 2 days later I'm like "wanna go online and check our mail, maybe have a little fun this coming weekend?"

And she'll reply "ok" and 2 emails into it she's watching TV and getting frustrated because I'm distracting her with this"

And I'm thinking "where is the girl that 2 days ago was on Craigslist at 1 am ready to leave the house and pissed that nobody was following through?"

Mount Juliet TN
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allow me to clarify. When I said if I were single...i meant if I were single as in not married or with children. As a mother I of course would be home every weeknight with them.

thanks!


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Joey...you need to have a heart to heart with your wife sweets. If you cover up what you are feeling...it is never good. I am not a counselor and I do not pretend to be. But I have been married for almost 21 years..and I can almost feel from your posts a sense of frustration, almost growing resentment. You want to go out and go to clubs and play..and she is a homebody. Jay and I are like y'all. Hell, if I were single I would rent a room from my parents LOL...I'd be out and about nightly. I am a club girl and have no intent of slowing down anytime soon. Jay is a complete homebody. A wonderful evening to him is relaxing in front of the tv with me and the kids. How do we mesh these 2 very different personalities? We compromise. On weekdays we rarely eat out or go out....we spend time with each other. Weekends in the day, its about the kids. We go swimming, to the park, etc. But on Fri. and Sat nights? We hit the club. Perhaps you can do like we do...and mesh your 2 unique personalities. I would definately talk about things.


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TOPIC: How many couples are totally in it together