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How many couples are totally in it together : Swingers Discussion 2019021021
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FORUMSGeneral DiscussionsSwinger AdviceHow many couples are totally in it together
TOPIC: How many couples are totally in it together
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Not to mention you may have emails written specifically to you from forum posts that folks didn't want to discuss publicly.

Just saying...

Roswell GA
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When I was a single female on a normal dating site I wasted very little time chatting and emailing. If his profile was well written and the photos intriguing I's insist we meet for coffee or a drink fairly quickly. My theory is why waste time trying to get to know someone via chat or email only to meet and know immediately it is never going to go further. We take that same philosophy into swinging. We do not email more than 3 or 4 times, never chat online but do insist on a quick phone call to confirm there is a female half and she too is interested. We feel we waste very little time, haven't invested much and if we don't click we've lost an hour tops of our lives. We generally only agree to meet for drinks...no dinner or long time commitments. Many evenings have turned to dinner , clubbing etc but we always set the expectation of our time very low. If we don't like you or feel you aren't attracted to us.......thanks it's been nice meeting! Following that philosophy might generate better results, waste less time and be more inviting to your wife who feels she is wasting time. Just a suggestion, but think how much wasted time is involved with chit chatting with someone who may not show up, be SUBSTANDARD (lol) or just wanting to jack off to your chat sessions.

Mrs Sav

Anniston AL
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Mrs sav again....haha you posted while I was writing.

You nailed it again. Especially the men and women difference.

"Sex makes men feel better........."

That's us right there.

I've thought in my head.....hell if I were a woman and my man come home from a rough day or something......where he is going to fester on the couch stressed and irritated.........surprise him at the door.....give him a dam blowjob.....that will turn the night around in 5 minutes and things will be great.

That's what I think as a man.

As a woman though. That's the last thing they think. You come in on a day like that and just mope on the couch......they just want to leave you alone. They're not thinking anything sexually then.

Many times ill be in a blah mood at night and the next day my wife will say she wanted to have sex the night before but I seemed in a blah mood.

I'm thinking HELLO!!!!!HOUSTON!!!!! YOU WANTED TO HAVE SEX AND DIDNT BECAUSE I SEEMED BLAH!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK BETTER WAY TO CHANGE THAT?!?!?!?!

there's the difference. I'm blah. Sex would cheer my ass up. She doesn't offer sex because I'm blah.

And then Ill be one of those guys that says "I ain't getting it at home"

Mount Juliet TN
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Mrs sav

You're right. And that's the basis behind my writing about single men on here the way I do.

Contrary to the stereotype, younger single guys on sites like this are surprisingly difficult to find. My wife can go to a bar and have a line of guys falling over themselves to take her home.

Then we come online. Do the email and chat thing and there is a surprising lack of persuit with most guys.

As soon as you change the topic from sex chat to "lets do it" it becomes "I gotta check my schedule" "I'm pretty busy, maybe next weekend" "I gotta get up early"

And when we do "schedule" a meet its guaranteed to be a cancel or no show.

Its not that we scare them off somehow because the second we sign online, theyre messaging us to chat again.

So for her its a lot of work, anticipation, and guaranteed letdown with few exceptions.

Whereas in "real life" she is used to being persued. Online she feels like she has to be the one that "they pick"

I've never understood it but its not just us.

As a pretty "average" guy I have been very successful playing alone when I've wanted to. I don't mean this to sound down on myself ....lol. but ill email a Cl ad that says something like "young couple for first mfm" and they'll both be pretty hot. Now having posted those ads ourselves I know they will have 100+ responses in the first hour.

I know some really hot guys will respond. Im happy and think I'm attractive but I don't have the gym ripped body and 9 inches that many responses offer.

But I know how to write an email. I send pics. And a way to get ahold of me. And I get no response............until a lot later in the evening....then I get "are you still interested" and I reply "send me the address and I'm out the door"

Now I know I wasn't their first choice. With the apparant variety that reponds I wouldn't be my first choice either. But I'm the one that ends up in this hot couples bed at 1am.

It works for the simple reason that I'm not shy, I don't be, and I have experience to know how to make it happen.

Everytime I've done it I hear the same story. "We replied back to tons of guys and everyone of them backed out at the last minute and got cold feet"

So while I wasn't on the top of the list. This "average guy" won. All I had to do was spend a little time writing a good email. And when they said "come over" I went.

2 simple things and I've been successful while others whine on here "nobody wants single guys"

So a long winded way to say.......my wife just has less patience for the work it takes online so she loses interest quick once it starts to feel like she is the one chasing.

Mount Juliet TN
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Thank you RDY,

I think often times it is easy to take your partner for granted and forget that ones best effort should be utilized at home first. Perhaps that is what drives me crazy when I hear a man complaining his wife doesn't want to have sex. In the extreme you have a man who has neglected his body, wears a wife beater T shirt sitting in his recliner after a long day drinking his beer and scratching his junk thinking "what the fuck is wrong with her?????" Not that women do much better, they walk in bitch about their day, the kids and their shitty boss as they strip off their clothes into sweat pants and a T shirt. The point is that if you aren't spending quality time together nurturing the romance and the passion swinging isn't going to make things better. In order for me to be desirous of playmates I must feel our relationship is in high gear. If we've been bogged down with the realities of life , let the passion ebb between us , haven't really been nurturing our own emotional needs I flat out have no interest in swinging until I feel "we" have reconnected. I fully understand men and women think entirely different ; sex makes men feel better where as women enjoy sex more when they feel better....about themselves and more importantly about their partner. I am not saying their is a "lack" of love but perhaps a lack of "feeling" loved. We have on rare occasion made the mistake of setting up a meet or going to a party when "we" (in my opinion, not sure he'd notice lol) in sync and I just didn't have any fun. I am not a jealous person as a rule but if I feel we've been neglecting each other hearing him compliment someone else on how sexy they are am my heart sting pulls and my mind says WOW when was the last time he told me that ( might have been yesterday but that's not the point !) Little things like seeing him laugh too loud, smile to broad , flirt outrageously ....things I normally enjoy watching him do are like salt in an unseen wound. I've learned and I believe Mr Sav has as well ,that we will swing more often, have more fun and increase our appeal to others we ( or I) feel at our emotional best with each other. We specifically look for couples that are loving to each other, show a connectedness , exude passion for each other before exhibiting any desire to play with others. We want to enhance our relationship and seek couples looking to the same. Before complaining ones partner is not interested in sex or swinging the question that begs asking is WHY? Until one understands the why there can be no solution. Men really need to visit Venus and take notes ...................women are emotional creatures, if their emotional needs are not being met chances are a man sexual needs are not on her priority list .

Mrs Sav

Anniston AL
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"But on a good note, she randomly came out with the fact that she feels like we got caught up in the day to day life and that when she comes home, she wants us to get back into being more active. Along with doing more g-rated stuff together."

Excuse me for saying so but I think the answer to your issue lies in what you just said. It sounds like to me like she wants "together time" while your idea of together time includes playing with others while her most likely meant one on one time. For many of us if "we" are not in sync with our emotional well being together just the 2 of us that last thing I want to do is include others. I would also being offended/ hurt to hear my partner say "I am bored, lets fuck other people" or "we never do anything fun together, lets hook up" . I also question what motivation she would have to go to all the trouble emailing others, trying to get to know them and setting up a meeting and hoping for a 4 way match when she has full permission to have sex with any person she meets without all the bullshit a site like this potentially has? I personally do not see the motivation, her needs/desires/fantasies are already being met. Having an open marriage works wonderfully for some people , each free to do who they want when they want but swinging together is far more complex and takes far more "work" and at the end of the day all the invested "work" doesn't usually generate huge results. After investing days, weeks or months emailing , you meet and in seconds know in your own mind that the attraction just isn't there so in theory she doesn't have to do any of that, she can merely go to a bar, party or grocery store and pick up a guy she is immediately attracted to.

Presumably you are free to do the same. Doing it together takes both the desire and the work ; for many it just isn't worth the effort once it has been established they can do it alone.

Mrs Sav

Anniston AL
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I agree lost. And as a matter of fact she does have a "story" to tell me when she gets home.

Normally I would be irked. As you have seen me write in this post and others, I have been frustrated with her lack of interest lately. We havent played in months and havent been on here together in a month.

But yet she just went away for a few days, knowing how bad I want to play, and she hooked up on her own on the trip.

Normally she would come back home and have no interest in playing for a while.

You can see how that would bug me right?

But on a good note, she randomly came out with the fact that she feels like we got caught up in the day to day life and that when she comes home, she wants us to get back into being more active. Along with doing more g-rated stuff together.

So that sounds great to me.

Some of our issue is that when we are not playing, we also are not doing anything else. So we spend day after day going to work, coming home, sitting on the couch and going to bed.

I end up really wanting to play, and hoping we get to that. But that comes out all wrong. Since Im wanting to play to get out of the boredom, it looks like thats ALL I want to do. Which is a turn off for her. And I admit, when I get it on my mind and we go day after day doing the same thing. That IS what I want to do. Its not all I want to do. But yes. At that time I dont have much interest in going to the movies or something else.

All in all I think it will work out great.

I really appreciate you guys on the forums. Ive chatted on forums in the past and have a tendency to get flamed. By now, you all know my writing style.....No BS, and I just let whatever is on my mind hit the keyboard exactly how Im thinking it.

You all are really an awesome group and writing on here, with your feedback is something I really enjoy and look forward to. It helps so much to be able to chat with likeminded people and talk through my frustrations and not have them spill into my relationship which for the most part is awesome.

Mount Juliet TN
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Joey, I can understand her attraction. It sounds like she is lustful of the erotic as I am. I love all that is erotic. For instance, I adore white collar men. The reason why I find them so intriguing is the fact that they "look" so conservative...and on the inside they are as nasty and kinky as most of the rest of us. It is the contrast of their look vs their true self that I find erotic.


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I think for her the excitement is the opportunity situations. Like right now she is up north camping with family at a site where there are a bunch of guys that go too from all over. There are very few girls who are there normally. So she is surrounded by tons of hot shirtless young guys.......She is a 20's girl........They hangout at night and drink...........Stuff happens.....

Being in the "open" type relationship we are, where thats allowed....Its likely she may have a story to tell me when she gets home. I love that kind of stuff.

I used to get a little mad in the past because before she went, id be wanting to play for a long time and she wouldnt be interested. Then she would come back and still not be interested. Meanwhile she did something on her own in the 4 days she was away that was much faster and more "random" than she would do with us.

To her its different online. In person, she has the excitement of the unknown. She can play with that. She;ll spend the night hanging out with a guy that she knows is trying and waiting and wondering. All night he will be trying, but in a subtle way. That puts her in a powerful position. He has no idea that by the end of the night they are going to both have a story to take home.

I think thats really exciting to her vs. online. Online, youre looking at people in pictures and chatting for the sole purpose of sex. All the cards are on the table. There is no mystery. There is no "lead up excitement" to build other than pictures and people waiting for us to say yes.

Then when we meet its almost a foregone conclusion what is going to happen. Everyone knows and its just going through the motions to end up having sex at the end of the night.

We have already discussed what we like and dont like. Already seen everyone naked. And so on.

When shes alone with someone G-rated that has no idea that he has the "green light" it allows the excitement and seduction to slowly build over a whole night and thats the thrill.

VS someone coming over, walking in the door, getting naked, and saying "Here I am"

So I can understand it better now.

Mount Juliet TN
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I think that for most swinging couples, swinging is more of a mutual hobby than a lifestyle. Both partners are not always going to be in the mood for it at the same time, but when both ARE in the mood, they go for it together and are totally in it together !

Kennesaw GA
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TOPIC: How many couples are totally in it together