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Dealing with domestic violence in friends relationship : Swingers Discussion 37693101
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TOPIC: Dealing with domestic violence in friends relationship
Created by: Jawwge
Original Starting post for this thread:
What do you do when you meet a couple, become friends, and then discover that there is abuse and violence in their relationship? I won't go into detail cause I don't want to ID them. But we are torn, part of us says stand by them, see them through it, that's what friends do, right? Other parts of us say run, run like hell, get clear of it and move on. Anyone else found themselves in this spot? Anyone got any insight or advice? Or even justa big hugg? Mike
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The only thing you really can do is make them both aware that you suspect something. Often the thought that someone else knows what is happening and doesn't approve will make the abuser calm down and/or the person abused reevaluate the relationship and decide to leave. It also helps to tell as many of their friends what you suspect so they will look for clues as well. The more people you can get who can make them see something is wrong, the more likely you can protect the person being abused and make it more difficult for the abuser to take out his or her frustrations on the abused person. Telling the authorities only works if they are able to arrive as the abuse is happening or shortly (within an hour) after the abuse occurred. Anytime after that and its just hearsay unless the abused person presses charges against the abuser.

Lansing MI
 
 
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NOthing worse then being abused, be it verbally, physically or sexually. Sometimes the physical abuse is better then the verbal because the physical pain goes away eventually, the mental pain never does. I was verbally abused by my mother and sexually, physically and verbally abused by my first husband. If I were to see this happening in a friends relationship I would talk to the one being abused, I would offer some advise and I would pray hard and long for them to have the strength to get the hell out. I hope you find peace Jaw K of RK

Muncy PA
 
 
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Thanks, Smiles & Huggs Mike&Jackie

Bedford PA
 
 
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Mike & Jackie, All I can say is "wow". My heart goes out to you both. Dan

Baltimore MD
 
 
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I want to thank all of you for your responses. I/she/we have been through this many times, ya think we'd be used to it by now, but we're not. Actually it seems to get more painfull everytime we encounter it. I watched my dad beat my mom as a kid, landed in the hospital for trying to stop him. Stood by and took it from my first wife, almost lost my kids over my second wife beating them. My wife was abused by her stepmother and her first husband, 20 years later we still have to deal with some of the scars from it. Since we've been together (14 years) we've lost 4 sets of friends because of their violence, 2 this past summer. We've never turned anyone in to the authorities, and never will. But I have, and will again take matters into my own hands. I feel if someone is going to beat on their woman right in front of me, they have made it my bussiness and I will react. I'll never forget a good friend of mine pounding his pregnant wifes face into the gravel screaming at her "can't you see how much I love you!" One grind in the gravel with each sylable. I showed him what it felt like. Results, assault charges against me, two exfriends with bloody faces, and they stayed together and the violence continued. Another time I had to pull a gun on my best friend of 25 years to stop him from shooting his exgirlfriend, he looked at me with stone empty eyes and said, "i don't care if you kill me, I got nuthin to live for". I says back to him, "I'm not going to kill you, I'm gonna shoot your dick and hands off, then I'm gonna make sure you live". Then he lowered his gun, end of friendship. That was 6 years ago. We isolated ourselves after that, fuck the whole world mentality. 2 years ago we got lonely enough to come out of our shells and socialise again, and been having a great time except for running into this shit again. And to have it happen twice this summer, kinda threw us for a loop. Domestic violence disgusts me to no end, makes me sick jus thinkin bout it, compells me to wanna give the asshole a taste of his own medicine. I strive to not be a violent person, but this is something I refuse to accept. I know this lowers me to their level, but it seems to me the only thing that gets a violent persons attention is stronger violence. Disgusting, but it's true. We're ok, now, and we know what we'll do anytime we encounter it. We'll walk away and go have a good cry. Thanks again for all your kind words and advice, it helps to know we're not the only ones that have had to deal with this kind of situation. We don't feel as alone now. Smiles

Mike&Jackie

Bedford PA
 
 
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The more invovled you get with this couple, the deeper you will be pulled into the tragedy. Heres what will happen. You confront them, they will become defensive, hurt,embarrassed, will feel the need to be hateul towards you. If you believe the relationship is strong enough then by all means intervene.The chances of the relationship surviving is slim. The one getting abused has to acknowledge and want to make a change. If they do not want this , nothing you can do can change anything. Saying you want change does not always mean change will be there. You need action to make the words stand for something.If the abused is willing to take a stand, take a chance on losing everything they will need all the support they can muster. This is not a situation where you can stand beside all, you have to take a stance on what is right or what is wrong.The side you choose the other will think they are being betrayed. For us it would depend on how well we knew this couple, is it a fuck buddy or a relationship that can be kept with out sex.If its a fuck buddy run.If its a long term relationship that can survive good luck, you will have to hit rock bottom with them both to see changes.

Sarasota FL
 
 
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We were friends with a couple but their situation was a little different. They abused their kids. There was no physical abuse but they did neglect, verbal and mental abused their children. As you can see, I said we were friends. There were many other reasons too but that was the main one. They would put their kids in danger just so they could go play. That really bothered us so we ran away as fast as we could.

Carrie

Corpus Christi TX
 
 
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that is a very difficult situation to deal with. my sister put up with that for a long time and i never seen the signs. i found out after she got the nerve to leave him and still want to show him what its like to get his ass kicked.

best thing to do i privately talk to the person being abused and let the person who you know what is going on and offer to help get said person out of the relationship. there are shelters that take in abused women and children. they will help get their life back on track and counsel them. thats the best i can tell you for now.

a true friend will stick by a true friend through the good and the bad.

Niagara Falls NY
 
 
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That's a tough one but if the violence is severe enough you may want to let the authorities know. We can't imagine how we would feel if someone we knew was seriously hurt or maimed if we knew about it and did nothing. We guess we would talk to them both and let them know we were aware of what was happening and offer some help letting them know that we may have no choice about involving others if it got worse and continued.

Center Valley PA
 
 
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What do you do when you meet a couple, become friends, and then discover that there is abuse and violence in their relationship? I won't go into detail cause I don't want to ID them. But we are torn, part of us says stand by them, see them through it, that's what friends do, right? Other parts of us say run, run like hell, get clear of it and move on. Anyone else found themselves in this spot? Anyone got any insight or advice? Or even justa big hugg?

Mike

Bedford PA
 
 
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TOPIC: Dealing with domestic violence in friends relationship