Ask Amy Column Shocked Couple Stop Seeing New Friends After Learning They Swing: Swingers Discussion 183009

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TOPIC: Ask Amy Column Shocked Couple Stop Seeing New Friends After Learning They 'Swing'

Created by: CTplaycouple Original Starting post for this thread:
This article appeared in my local paper 6/30/11. Dear Amy: My husband and I became friends with a couple a little over a year ago. We had some nice times together, including dinners, movies, etc. They are very nice, own a lovely home and have two beautiful children who seem well cared for. Well, recently this nice couple informed us that they are "swingers". To say that my husband and I were shocked is an understatement. We have decided we will no longer socialize with them. My question is why? Why would a married couple who claim they love each other have sex with other people? -Still Shocked Dear Shocked: I shared your letter with Peter Sagal, author of "The Book of Vice: Very Naughty Things (and How To Do Them)". In his book, he describes a night he and his wife visited a "swingers" club. Sagal responded to you: "I had the same question when I started researching my book, and instead of expressing shock and outrage, I found some swingers and asked them about it. "They believe that what you do with your spouse's knowledge and consent isn't an infidelity. Million of people in [such forms of] open marriage have found that they can have sexual relationships with other people while still maintaining a strong emotional and intimate relationship with their spouse... "But just because they have these sexual encounters with other people doesn't mean they want to do it with you. You could probably continue to attend their barbecues without risking a proposition." While I appreciate Sagal's explanation, I can't imagine that "swinging" is good for a marriage. But then, how your friends conduct their marriage isn't really my (or your) business. They are doing this because they want to. If you continue to feel so strongly about this, I agree that it's best for you to keep your distance. Standing in judgment is not good for a friendship. [End of article]

Created by: CTplaycouple
Original Starting post for this thread:

This article appeared in my local paper 6/30/11.  
Dear Amy: 
     My husband and I became friends with a couple a little over a year ago.  We had some nice times together, including dinners, movies, etc.  They are very nice, own a lovely home and have two beautiful children who seem well cared for. 
    Well, recently this nice couple informed us that they are "swingers".  To say that my husband and I were shocked is an understatement.  We have decided we will no longer socialize with them.  My question is why?  Why would a married couple who claim they love each other have sex with other people?
                 -Still Shocked
 Dear Shocked:
      I shared your letter with Peter Sagal, author of "The Book of Vice: Very Naughty Things (and How To Do Them)".  In his book, he describes a night he and his wife visited a "swingers" club.  Sagal responded to you:  "I had the same question when I started researching my book, and instead of expressing shock and outrage, I found some swingers and asked them about it.
      "They believe that what you do with your spouse's knowledge and consent isn't an infidelity.  Million of people in [such forms of] open marriage have found that they can have sexual relationships with other people while still maintaining a strong emotional and intimate relationship with their spouse...
     "But just because they have these sexual encounters with other people doesn't mean they want to do it with you.  You could probably continue to attend their barbecues without risking a proposition."
     While I appreciate Sagal's explanation, I can't imagine that "swinging" is good for a marriage.  But then, how your friends conduct their marriage isn't really my (or your) business.  They are doing this because they want to.
    If you continue to feel so strongly about this, I agree that it's best for you to keep your distance.  Standing in judgment is not good for a friendship.
[End of article]

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User Details are only visible to members.	I have vanilla friends that know but I call them vanillas, with a twist. They aren't swingers but they are freaks. I have yet to have any of the vanillas I have told, freak out about it. I get judge more by other swingers than I do vanillas. Carrie
Corpus Christi TX			Username hidden (16494 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	several good points. and yes, a lot of vanillas will think you have intentions toward them. they may not think you're going to "jump" them, but they're definitely not trusting you around their spouses or s.o. we do have a few vanilla friends who know, but not because we told them. our rule from day one has always been, no crossing the "friends" line, no exceptions. and the reason, is the story RDY just shared.
Orlando FL			Username hidden (976 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	We do joke about sex, in front of vanillas all the time. Like when a cashier saw our last name and told my hubby "oh that is like Matthew McConaughey but not quite." I quickly responded with "Yea. I say that every night, while we are laying in bed." Carrie
Corpus Christi TX			Username hidden (16494 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Told a long time vertical friend at dinner with his new GF that we'd been going to this new club. He asked what we do there, and without missing a beat, the Mrs responded with "other people". His response wasn't the greatest, but alot of that had to do with this being the first time we'd ever met his GF. -M
Fort Worth TX			Username hidden (1434 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	I recently told a vanilla best friend of mine, and it was sort of funny. She shrugged, said "I'm sure that spices things up!" then laughed and asked for the popcorn. I was really glad for the 'whatever blows your skirt up' response, and things are the same as they have always been with her. I think this goes back to "true friends that are vanilla" will not necessarily 'get it' but will accept it. I realize I took a risk telling her, but we've been friends since kindergarten, and I couldn't see hiding anything from her.
Baltimore MD			Username hidden (161 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	We have friends visiting from the UK for the next few weeks. The guys have been almost life long friends. He has been aware for some time know about our extra curricular activities and he recently told her. He would like to paricipate as a couple also but she is moving very slowly. We decided once he found out that we would never cross the vanilla line with them. The friendship is as strong as ever but we've decided that the most they will ever get out of us is discussion. The Mr. would be hurt if he lost such a long term friendship over swinging. These guys talk almost everyday and they value that.
Center Valley PA			Username hidden (8496 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	I don't think Amy was being judgmental. She stated her opinion of it and also said it was none of her business. I see nothing wrong with that. I see people on here, all the time, saying they don't understand why people do things but they respect it. She pretty much said the same thing, just in a different way. Carrie
Corpus Christi TX			Username hidden (16494 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	You will find that people who claim to be educated and "open" are usually the most judgemental, closed minded ones of them all. I have a friend who went to see a counselor about her anger issues regarding family, not having anything to do with the ls. In getting an overall feel for her patient, the dr asked questions about her marriage life as well. The patient, believing that she was in a non-judgemental place and to tell the truth was what she was supposed to do....told the therapist that she was in swinging. It became more of a come to jesus meeting. She told me that after that the therapist continued to return to the swinging issue, telling her that it would weaken her marriage, etc. She never returned to that quack.
San Marcos TX			Username hidden (23612 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	I read this article in our local paper and laughed my ass off. I actually thought it was written for us. Kinda hope it was. Of course we got the thousand questions from couple's wife asking and judging in the same breath while her homely husband secretly eyeball backdoor'd my wife from across the table. Really just amusing but still a lesson. Funny thing is that now we have no real Vanilla friends outside of work. So what, makes life easier, of course we spend every weekend up at a swinger lifestyle resort.
Suwanee GA			Username hidden (5 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	I've only "outed" us as swingers to one vanilla friend only after being asked repeatedly on a nite out of drinking. Guess she had good swinger radar. Well Jager Bombs must be like truth serum to me cuz finally I said yes we are swingers, and shut up already. Please don't make the mistake of thinking your vanilla friends will "get it". Your friendship, if it is truly a real friendship will hopefully be ok, but be prepared for 200 freakin questions and in the end they still won't "get it." The question I thought most amusing was, OMG you guys want to fuk all of us. My response was "wow you must really have a high opinion of yourself!" And followed that one up by "what makes you think were attracted to you in the first place?" LOL That one didn't go over well. Anyway were still friends but it just isn't the same. Like I said, if your truly friends it will be OK, but don't expect them to understand or want to hang out as much.
Oceanside CA			Username hidden (25 post)

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TOPIC: Ask Amy Column Shocked Couple Stop Seeing New Friends After Learning They 'Swing'

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