A few questions from a newbie couple : Swingers Discussion 191002

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TOPIC: A few questions from a newbie couple :)

Created by: CuriousCplTN135 Original Starting post for this thread:
Hi all! I have not really posted on the forums because we are still very new and have no advice to give. I would really like to get some advice for me and my husband though. A little background – we have only been exploring the lifestyle for a couple of months and have attended a few club parties so far. The first couple of parties, we only played with each other and really enjoyed that and the environment provided. At the last party we attended, we jumped on the opportunity to play with another couple for the first time (was a couple that we had met a few times and both felt pretty comfortable with) and “test” our limits. Neither of us did anything that we had not discussed previously, so there were no issues with being upset/mad at each other. We did, however, kind of test ALL our limits at once. After our experience, we found that we are not on the same page in regards to what we are comfortable with just yet. While I was okay with everything that happened, my husband was not nearly as comfortable and the experience was not enjoyable for him. We have spent a lot of time talking about it and he says he wants to try again, though not near as fast (so definitely taking a small step backwards, which is fine with me). There were some things he was okay with and others that he said were just too much for him right now. I realize that we need to go at the pace of whoever is “less comfortable” and I am okay with that. I guess my questions are: How does one get in the right mindset for swinging? I am there already, but I’m not quite sure how I got there and I think he was actually a bit surprised at how “okay” I was with everything. He says he thinks he just needs to get his mind away from the “It’s mine – you can look but not touch”, but how does one do that when it is the way it has always been? Does it just take time? Also, how can I make sure he understands that he does not have to do this for me? I’ve tried to tell him that I can walk away from this right now and not look back, but he teases about it saying “Yeah right”, I guess because he knows that I enjoyed the experience. Do you think he is trying to rationalize his reasons for wanting to swing? I’ve tried to make him realize that if he is not happy, then I am not happy and we are in this together (or out of it together if that is the way it works out). I don’t want him to feel like he needs to do this for me because I could honestly take it or leave it. I want him to do it for him/us if he is going to do it.

Created by: CuriousCplTN135
Original Starting post for this thread:

Hi all! I have not really posted on the forums because we are still very new and have no advice to give. I would really like to get some advice for me and my husband though. A little background – we have only been exploring the lifestyle for a couple of months and have attended a few club parties so far. The first couple of parties, we only played with each other and really enjoyed that and the environment provided. At the last party we attended, we jumped on the opportunity to play with another couple for the first time (was a couple that we had met a few times and both felt pretty comfortable with) and “test” our limits. Neither of us did anything that we had not discussed previously, so there were no issues with being upset/mad at each other. We did, however, kind of test ALL our limits at once.

After our experience, we found that we are not on the same page in regards to what we are comfortable with just yet. While I was okay with everything that happened, my husband was not nearly as comfortable and the experience was not enjoyable for him. We have spent a lot of time talking about it and he says he wants to try again, though not near as fast (so definitely taking a small step backwards, which is fine with me). There were some things he was okay with and others that he said were just too much for him right now. I realize that we need to go at the pace of whoever is “less comfortable” and I am okay with that.

I guess my questions are: How does one get in the right mindset for swinging? I am there already, but I’m not quite sure how I got there and I think he was actually a bit surprised at how “okay” I was with everything. He says he thinks he just needs to get his mind away from the “It’s mine – you can look but not touch”, but how does one do that when it is the way it has always been? Does it just take time? Also, how can I make sure he understands that he does not have to do this for me? I’ve tried to tell him that I can walk away from this right now and not look back, but he teases about it saying “Yeah right”, I guess because he knows that I enjoyed the experience. Do you think he is trying to rationalize his reasons for wanting to swing? I’ve tried to make him realize that if he is not happy, then I am not happy and we are in this together (or out of it together if that is the way it works out). I don’t want him to feel like he needs to do this for me because I could honestly take it or leave it. I want him to do it for him/us if he is going to do it.

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User Details are only visible to members.	"thats what this is all about. the ability to walk out the door and act like free adults occasionally and cut loose. Not just being mom and Dad everyday." === nicely said. :)
Kunkletown PA			Username hidden (2981 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Mrs. Naughty told me the other day that since we started swinging she has realized the grass is not greener on the other side. But playing is still fun and trying new things keep us both feeling alive and excited for each other after a crazy week or two at home. thats what this is all about. the ability to walk out the door and act like free adults occasionally and cut loose. Not just being mom and Dad everyday.
Delta PA			Username hidden (124 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	gee i wish i was at your house NYE!!!
Kunkletown PA			Username hidden (2981 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	What Savandwin said! Playing with others is a big adjustment and takes time and talk to integrate into your relationship. Handled well, it expands your horizons while also solidifying and growing your underlying foundation and trust. Take the time to make sure you're both always on the same page and moving in the same direction and you'll both be just fine! And Have Fun! :-)
Fairview Heights IL			Username hidden (629 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Wow i love this thread! To the OP's, we're new too and I completely relate to both of you, tricky busines here i say... lol and to the Wise Experienced, I appreciated your advice tremendously!
Kunkletown PA			Username hidden (2981 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	OH! And I don't think I misunderstood yall - going too fast or too slow is a bigger deal to me than to others I think so I get it... I get the desire to go go go and doing it as well as the desire to say ok slow it down now and doing it. THE BIG HUGE KEY TO SUCCESSFUL SWINGING ----> Communication :)
Charleston SC			Username hidden (11 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	I didn't skip the club scene but I don't believe we played at that party. Our local "club" is more of a house party so being in an environment that was full of nakedness, moans, and all of that was enough!!! For me, the woman half, it was easier for me to be at the club and drinking a few drinks, talking outside smoking cigs... I got to know a few people right off the bat and realized that they were ALL so normal - sometimes they'd excuse themselves to go in and use a bed or dungeon etc but that helped to "dip my big toe in the pool" and see that everything was kosher. That being said - I prefer to PLAY at home! It's in my comfort zone, we can play a sexy game if we need/want to etc and it's quieter so I can hear my partner talking and hear what he's saying to me and to them! It's all about preference I think - Hope this helps!!!
Charleston SC			Username hidden (11 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	I would suggest skipping the club scene and try meeting couples one on one. this will allow you time to feel comfortable with the other couple before any play time, and also offer a slower and what I consider a more enjoyable pace. We have been swinging for close to 26 yrs and done just about everything but still enjoy a quieter more intimate encounter for sex over the playing at a club.
New Orleans LA			Username hidden (2188 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Nothing is ever as simple as it appears and although you might believe you are all in and both on the same page when reality hits we all react differently. No matter how sure you might believe you are about anything once you experience "it" whatever "it" is your opinion , beliefs or feelings might change. Think of swinging like going to a new restaurant, you see something new and unfamiliar on the menu and you think to yourself "wow that sounds good , I'll have that" Many times the entree falls short of the expectation. That doesn't mean you never eat there again, it means you try something else. In this case try how you play differently, perhaps a more private setting with a couple. Enjoy each other as an appetizer, share entrees and savor dessert with your spouse. Our best experiences are always with couples who clearly love each other, enjoy each other and reach for each other periodically while enjoying us. When we swing it isn't about me and her husband or Mr Sav and his wife. It's about US sharing an experience together .It's a combination that is flexible where both gentlemen move comfortably from one of us to the other . Play in the same room , play side by side, exchange looks and touch each other , whisper I love you , watch each others eyes and always feel free to jump in an assist or to take back your own partner for a few minutes. Good Luck to you, Mrs Sav
Weaver AL			Username hidden (4024 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	I am there right now. While talking the other day to my wife, I had asked if she wanted me to look. She said yes and I had thought she meant for a single girl. I was wrong! She had thought I meant a couple. So I told her my mistake and asked her to speak freely, that she wouldnt hurt my feelings. I had asked numerous times throughout our relationship if she was interested in another guy and she had always said no, so it kind of suprised me. I wasn't upset. I would be lying if I said i wasn't a little nervous/edgy. It is a big step in any relationship, even after having threesomes (FFM and MFM). So we have yet to find a couple but when we do, I know we will go through the same thing as you guys, although we will have less rules as we have already done just about everything in threesomes, but there IS some special things that we do that we want to keep just for ourselves. The fact though, that I have been thinking about it for 3 days, almost non stop and she was just boom okay with it, at first kind of scared me. Almost hurt. Really, is she that bored with me? But after MUCH thought, it's not that at all. If I asked her to go on vacation, she would just say OKAY. I would be getting maps, reservations, checking oil in the car, etc. It is just how we are. I over analyze everything and she just goes with it. That is what makes us different and makes us work. So the fact that she took right to it and jumped in and you didn't is probably just more personality than anything. Thats what you were there to do, right?
Grand Blanc MI			Username hidden (143 post)

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TOPIC: A few questions from a newbie couple :)

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