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lost friendships because of swinging : Swingers Discussion 612261021
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TOPIC: lost friendships because of swinging
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There does seem to be quite a divide among people as to what friendships mean to them. For us friendships have the potential to be deeper than family. Family is a whole different animal since family is not chosen and you're stuck with them for life. Friends are freely chosen and therefore offer intimacely not often possible with family. To us it matters not how friends become friends, whether they are swingers or not. But playing friends offer more intimate potential.

To confuse friendship with polyamory is also common. Polyamory is simply not for us. We understand polyamory, have met those who practice that form of love, and understand its precepts and philosophy very well. That's why we know it's not for us. When you've met the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, and have the experience to truly know what that means, polyamory has no attraction. But friendship to us has a potential rarely fully realized. We don't have a set line that friendship will bump up against that says no further. We have a fair amount of life experience behind us and have not yet reached how far friendship might go.

Enosburg Falls VT
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The nature of our lives has us meeting and conversing with many types of people. Sometimes very intimately. Some of these people call us friends, whereas often we would call them acquaintances. We have no wish to make true friends in swinging simply because of the sexual intimacy. There would have to be similar interests, etc, that would bring us together outside of the bedroom moreso than in. Since we play with mostly out of town people on a limited schedule, I find the scenario unlikely. Actually, if that ever happens, I bet the sexual excitement will fade and they will actually be more like vanilla friends. I know some people end up meeting a couple they want to share a large portion of, or their whole lives with. Sounds kind of scary as then marriage dynamics would surely change. I wonder how many polyamorous foursomes survive the long haul...

Cocoa FL
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scop.. You have a way different concept of friendship than I. I have gone through some terrible times and I will tell you without my friends ... And some of these friends were swingers. During this time the idea of swinging never crossed our minds. There was never an awkward moment about it.

I think when the couples or singles cross over to become friends this transition can be a little unclear until it is hashed out so to speak. But, once all that has been settled a friendship is a friendship.

Lansing MI
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DandJ.. No problem. Love your hot tub. lol

Lansing MI
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Thank you so much, Rings. I was describing a situation I thought fit this thread, a situation on the more powerful side of losing a friendship. We found it very sad, especially since one of the couple, the female, wanted to heal her grief, his grief, and the friendship. Her husband didn't want to heal anything and in fact took his grief out on her also. Sad, sad, sad.

Scorp seems to have misunderstood this post and read into it things I never intended. It seems what a person has experienced can filter what someone else has written to such a degree that they have not understood what was actually written. And have read into it something very different.

I don't understand the judgments offered according to that filtered and misunderstood reading of our post. The first question is why judge when you don't even understand fully what was posted? Second is who are you to judge?

Our ex friends had a terrible experience. We weren't selfishly trying to fuck them, we were trying to be there for them. They didn't ask for space, we gave them space when they didn't communicate. Actually he didn't communicate, she did. She made an attempt to get us all back together so we could communicate. He refused. So we backed off again.

This man needs proffessional and serious help, but he is the sort who will never admit nor seek it. His wife suffers this, understands this, but stands by her man. This man is a good man, but is being torn apart by his inability to deal with it, to even admit it. It's a sad situation, a doubly sad situation, but one we can do nothing about. Life sometimes involves being helpless to help while witnessing great pain. That is what we were posting about.

Enosburg Falls VT
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I agree with you, that if the couple was interested in meeting just to play during this time of grief than they are not friends but that was not my impression of the posting my D. I seemed to me they were friend beyond sex and they just wanted to be supportive - not pushy- like any friend would be. I think the guy suffering may need some assistance through his grieving.

Lansing MI
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scorp... In any terrible tragedy that is a time you need to draw on your friends and family for support. I would never want to imagine what it is like to lose a child, but I know when I have had some bad times in my life my friends were their for support. As a friend they understood I was not emotionally stable to help them if they were going through a crises at that a time. But, I never put them per say on the back burner. I believe if you have to put a friend on the back burner than you probably should be seeking some professional support to help you get through your crises.

As I indicated before some people that you meet here are just what u said fuck friends. But some of your swinger friends b/c more than fuck buddies they become friends where there is interaction beyond the sex. And to me friends don't shut friends out. They communicate, for example, " I am having a terrible time coping with the death of child..." Or give me some space. I have friends back from high school and college that I don't see all the time but calls are made back and forth to say hi. Otherwise, they just become causal friends over time.

However, I have learned that "friend " is thrown around so easily in the swinger world.

That is my two cents..lol

Lansing MI
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Friendship is friendship whether with benefits or not. I wasn't talking about the kind of "friends" who are truly acquaintences. Nor was I talking about fuck buddies. Friends, real friends, with whom sex did not happen all the time we got together, but when you have real friends you can share sex with, that's special.

We don't put swinging in a separate category as far as friends. In other words we don't think "vanilla" friendship as being different from our sexual friendships other than the sexual sharing. Our friends know we swing even if they don't, or we wouldn't call them friends if we couldn't share that important aspect of our lives.

We're not talking friendly acquaintences here.

Enosburg Falls VT
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It seems swingers throw the phrase friends but with benefits. What does that really mean? Does it mean when the sex stop the friendship you had did not really mean anything. That on some level swinger friends are less than vanilla friends. I can see that being true if it is stated up front it is sex only. So, if the sex stops no big deal. But where you have been involved in the other couples life, family cook outs etc. and just cut them off that is simply wrong.

From experience. we have been on the side where we no longer want to play with a couple. We indicate that we would like to continue a friendship and we truly mean it. Out of all the couples that we had this conversation with only one really wanted to continue a relationship. So, I guess what do swingers really mean by friends with benefits? I know what we mean.

Lansing MI
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We had close friends end both the sex and then the friendship due to the death of their daughter. She fought a long six year battle with leukemia and finally succumbed. Their grief was all consuming. We tried our mightiest to be there in support, to just be there for them as the friends we were, but their grief overpowered them and in a sad way caused them to lash out at the world and at us. The woman of the couple worked through her grief and tried to reconnect the four of us, but the husband, years later, still hadn't faced his grief let alone worked through it, and held onto his anger with the world. He couldn't even discuss it with us.

We have no way of knowing what it is to lose a daughter like that, but we do know what it is like to lose a friendship when anger is the reaction to grief. It's a sad double blow to this woman, and her husband is in serious pain. Talk about being helpless to even be there for them!

Enosburg Falls VT
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TOPIC: lost friendships because of swinging