Friendship in the LS are we barking up the wrong tree: Swingers Discussion 185372

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TOPIC: Friendship in the L-S are we barking up the wrong tree

Created by: twonluv69 Original Starting post for this thread:
We have found that folks in the lifestyle are some of the most intelligent and interesting people we've ever met. Some we have a few things in common, others a lot. But when it comes to playing we have to (1) know, (2) trust and (3) respect the folks we're being intimate with (sorry, that's just the way we're "wired"). We've only met a about 3 couples that we can really call friends (go out for non-lifestyle activities, welcome in each other's home, feel comfortable around our vanilla friends, etc.) While we have no problem meeting folks and making friends no matter what their preference or experience level is, we let it be know from the beginning we are soft-swap and if they can't respect our boundaries then they can't respect us. It's just been frustrating as the folks who say "Wow, you sound like us" or "We'd love to get to know you" won't waste any longer than a week before they lose interest. So we're curious to know if anyone else feels this way, has had similar experiences or are we wasting our time?

Created by: twonluv69
Original Starting post for this thread:

We have found that folks in the lifestyle are some of the most intelligent and interesting people we've ever met.  Some we have a few things in common, others a lot.  But when it comes to playing we have to (1) know, (2) trust and (3) respect the folks we're being intimate with (sorry, that's just the way we're "wired").  We've only met a about 3 couples that we can really call friends (go out for non-lifestyle activities, welcome in each other's home, feel comfortable around our vanilla friends, etc.)   While we have no problem meeting folks and making friends no matter what their preference or experience level is, we let it be know from the beginning we are soft-swap and if they can't respect our boundaries then they can't respect us.  It's just been frustrating as the folks who say "Wow, you sound like us" or "We'd love to get to know you" won't waste any longer than a week before they lose interest.  So we're curious to know if anyone else feels this way, has had similar experiences or are we wasting our time?

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User Details are only visible to members.	Thanks sweetjzabelle, we like to say that we're not working against a deadline and it takes as long as it takes to get to know someone. We were spoiled early as we met some VERY nice people that we are life-long friends with to this day. But unfortunately after making ourselves available/approachable for so long (with little or no consideration) the frustration of "putting yourself out there" can take its toll. We just feel like (for us) those two worlds will stay separate.
Fairview Heights IL			Username hidden (126 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	There are a lot of people that state they want to be friends. I think if that is what you seek you will find it, it may take a long time but then again it takes a long time for those who seek anything other than a fast fuck. There are those that want to meet and immediately want to go to the nearest hotel first meeting if everyone doesnt run. I have friends I have known (by known I mean I meet them at events, houseparties, group meetings, etc. .) and havent had sex with them for three or four meetings not that we were setting up a friendship but feeling out each other and making sure there was chemistry. The neat thing is there is no expiration date on how long it takes you to find fun.
Spring TX			Username hidden (1853 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Well said JandGinSD "Those who don't look for enduring friendships are discounting an important social component of it all" ...it's nice to know we aren't alone. We've met every flavor from mild to wild, and we USED TO feel like "the L/S was a refuge from the more uptight society" but felt we were "left out" of certain events or ignored when we tried to invite folks out to dinner. Either way we harbor no ill feelings but (for us at least) we'll be content with our Vanilla friends.
Fairview Heights IL			Username hidden (126 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	We aren't on the bigtime experienced side of play. However, this is what does drive us, how we, as a couple, are wired too. We're past all of the makigng babies sex thing. It is genuinely recreational. Yes, between the two of us, there is love as an important component. We see the L/S as a social circle where we can play for fun as much as we might do other more vanilla things. Play is part of the friendship, but not defining it. The L/S itself is a refuge from the more uptight and ridiculously judgmental society. The sex is naughty variety, which sometimes can be filled by each other but broadens when others are admitted into the play. The restraints are health and safety. No diseases here and we do not want to take on more than acceptable risk in that regard. Like-minded (and cautious) couples are out there. Among them, there is surely mutual sexual attraction. We'll easily be friends with many others in the L/S, but not get into the sack with all of them. There really should be more to the L/S than just more varied sex. Those who don't look for enduring friendships are discounting an important social component of it all. We wouldn't be interested in this if it was all about a lot of shtupping and socializing limited to meet-and-greet to choose sexual partners.
San Diego CA			Username hidden (38 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Thanks Lost_j1 (et al.) for your input, as we believe this is a topic a lot of folks (particularly S/S couples) may be interested in. We like swingers too as they are some of the most interesting people you could ever meet. Thanks why it's so frustrating that (more often than not) we only attract folks who will only have anything to do with us if someone's getting laid. The two of us can certainly distinguish Sex from friendship and appreciate "emotional distance" since we respect other's privacy as much as we preserve ours. We've NEVER claimed to be swingers and ALWAYS state that up front, and I hate to be cliche' but it certainly seems that "Friends with Benefits" is EXACTLY what we're looking for. Problem is in this environment its more "Benefits with Friends".
Fairview Heights IL			Username hidden (126 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	So we're curious to know if anyone else feels this way, has had similar experiences or are we wasting our time?" I have found that you must find a place that is good for you...and if others do not like it, that is their issue and not mine. I do not have to "tailor" myself to others to get laid, because if getting laid by strange is that important to me I'll hire a professional. We started out full swap, struggled, got pissed, frustrated, angry, pulled back...and have come back into the lifestyle as soft swap basically. We LOVE swingers, we just do not like how sex causes lots of swingers to behave. And we are seeing it lately with full swappers, just being back in it for a few months. You are NOT barking up the wrong tree, there are other couples who are in this for friendship..and we have friendships that are now years old and they are very important people to us. Just hang in there and do not compromise.
San Marcos TX			Username hidden (23665 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Thanks JackMichelle, that is precisely the type of insight we were looking for. This is not a full-time lifestyle for us, but merely the icing on an already delicious cake. While we're not looking to get "super close" we also don't want to end up as notches on someone's bedpost either. We've been on countless "first dates" with other couples that it would seem we have a lot in common with (we're all newbies, interested in soft-swap), but very rarely get a callback/e-mail/etc. if only to say "Thanks but no thanks". The chances of four people meeting and all getting along are already staggering, but the chances of meeting folks that we can relax, feel "safe and comfortable" with enough to let go of our inhibitions and play with are astronomical. I will go on to say this though, our closest "lifestyle" friends are the ones that are seasoned swingers and seem to be more accepting of our boundaries and pace than folks who are new(er) to the L/S. P.S. We do hope Michelle is doing well... we wish her a speedy recovery!
Fairview Heights IL			Username hidden (126 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Everyone defines "friendship" differently and although we have becomes friends with some of our playmates in general I too prefer emotional distance overall. We're not into the wine you dine you hope you grow to like us dating scene in the lifestyle. Many people are and if that's what they're comfortable with that's what they should seek. True friendships take time , we're looking more for companions with like minded people . Below is an exert from our profile that clarifies just how far we won't go into a friendship. We once had a couple we played with several times invite us to their child's first communion with all their family and many of their swing friends, although we LIKED them and considered them friends on some levels to us that was over the top and made us feel extremely uncomfortable and No we didn't attend lol. "We aren't looking for Pen Pals, Chat Buddies or Bowling Partners nor are we seeking our "perfect "match/ mate or new Best Friends. We're not interested in collecting photos or being a part of your collection . We understand that many of you are looking for "friends first" but we believe "true" friendships and deep connections are terrific when they happen but not our primary reason for being here. We really aren't looking to be invited to your Family BBQ, your daughters Wedding, your sons Birthday party or your uncles Festers funeral. We also do not feel the need to call you when life throws us a lemon, our car breaks down or we need to borrow a cup of sugar." Mrs Sav
Weaver AL			Username hidden (4104 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Xtraplay,, that is exactly what happened with the three couples I became close with..getting too close can ruin the excitement.
Spring TX			Username hidden (1853 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Friendships are fine, but from experience we have become pretty good friends with a couple that we have played with numerous times. Now, we are more friends than playmates. Actually, after getting to know them as well as we do, the sexual attraction is not there. We still hang out, go out to eat and play with our S/O when we are all together. But the thrill of hooking up is no longer there.
Cherryville NC			Username hidden (61 post)

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TOPIC: Friendship in the L-S are we barking up the wrong tree

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