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TOPIC: Friendship_in_the_L-S__are_we_barking_up_the_wrong_tree
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Well said JandGinSD "Those who don't look for enduring friendships are discounting an important social component of it all" ...it's nice to know we aren't alone.

We've met every flavor from mild to wild, and we USED TO feel like "the L/S was a refuge from the more uptight society" but felt we were "left out" of certain events or ignored when we tried to invite folks out to dinner. Either way we harbor no ill feelings but (for us at least) we'll be content with our Vanilla friends.

Fairview Heights IL
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We aren't on the bigtime experienced side of play. However, this is what does drive us, how we, as a couple, are wired too. We're past all of the makigng babies sex thing. It is genuinely recreational. Yes, between the two of us, there is love as an important component. We see the L/S as a social circle where we can play for fun as much as we might do other more vanilla things. Play is part of the friendship, but not defining it. The L/S itself is a refuge from the more uptight and ridiculously judgmental society. The sex is naughty variety, which sometimes can be filled by each other but broadens when others are admitted into the play.

The restraints are health and safety. No diseases here and we do not want to take on more than acceptable risk in that regard. Like-minded (and cautious) couples are out there. Among them, there is surely mutual sexual attraction. We'll easily be friends with many others in the L/S, but not get into the sack with all of them. There really should be more to the L/S than just more varied sex. Those who don't look for enduring friendships are discounting an important social component of it all. We wouldn't be interested in this if it was all about a lot of shtupping and socializing limited to meet-and-greet to choose sexual partners.

San Diego CA
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Thanks Lost_j1 (et al.) for your input, as we believe this is a topic a lot of folks (particularly S/S couples) may be interested in.

We like swingers too as they are some of the most interesting people you could ever meet. Thanks why it's so frustrating that (more often than not) we only attract folks who will only have anything to do with us if someone's getting laid. The two of us can certainly distinguish Sex from friendship and appreciate "emotional distance" since we respect other's privacy as much as we preserve ours. We've NEVER claimed to be swingers and ALWAYS state that up front, and I hate to be cliche' but it certainly seems that "Friends with Benefits" is EXACTLY what we're looking for. Problem is in this environment its more "Benefits with Friends".

Fairview Heights IL
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So we're curious to know if anyone else feels this way, has had similar experiences or are we wasting our time?"

I have found that you must find a place that is good for you...and if others do not like it, that is their issue and not mine. I do not have to "tailor" myself to others to get laid, because if getting laid by strange is that important to me I'll hire a professional. We started out full swap, struggled, got pissed, frustrated, angry, pulled back...and have come back into the lifestyle as soft swap basically. We LOVE swingers, we just do not like how sex causes lots of swingers to behave. And we are seeing it lately with full swappers, just being back in it for a few months. You are NOT barking up the wrong tree, there are other couples who are in this for friendship..and we have friendships that are now years old and they are very important people to us. Just hang in there and do not compromise.

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Thanks JackMichelle, that is precisely the type of insight we were looking for. This is not a full-time lifestyle for us, but merely the icing on an already delicious cake. While we're not looking to get "super close" we also don't want to end up as notches on someone's bedpost either. We've been on countless "first dates" with other couples that it would seem we have a lot in common with (we're all newbies, interested in soft-swap), but very rarely get a callback/e-mail/etc. if only to say "Thanks but no thanks". The chances of four people meeting and all getting along are already staggering, but the chances of meeting folks that we can relax, feel "safe and comfortable" with enough to let go of our inhibitions and play with are astronomical.

I will go on to say this though, our closest "lifestyle" friends are the ones that are seasoned swingers and seem to be more accepting of our boundaries and pace than folks who are new(er) to the L/S.

P.S. We do hope Michelle is doing well... we wish her a speedy recovery!

Fairview Heights IL
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Everyone defines "friendship" differently and although we have becomes friends with some of our playmates in general I too prefer emotional distance overall. We're not into the wine you dine you hope you grow to like us dating scene in the lifestyle. Many people are and if that's what they're comfortable with that's what they should seek. True friendships take time , we're looking more for companions with like minded people . Below is an exert from our profile that clarifies just how far we won't go into a friendship. We once had a couple we played with several times invite us to their child's first communion with all their family and many of their swing friends, although we LIKED them and considered them friends on some levels to us that was over the top and made us feel extremely uncomfortable and No we didn't attend lol.

"We aren't looking for Pen Pals, Chat Buddies or Bowling Partners nor are we seeking our "perfect "match/ mate or new Best Friends. We're not interested in collecting photos or being a part of your collection . We understand that many of you are looking for "friends first" but we believe "true" friendships and deep connections are terrific when they happen but not our primary reason for being here. We really aren't looking to be invited to your Family BBQ, your daughters Wedding, your sons Birthday party or your uncles Festers funeral. We also do not feel the need to call you when life throws us a lemon, our car breaks down or we need to borrow a cup of sugar."

Mrs Sav

Anniston AL
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Xtraplay,, that is exactly what happened with the three couples I became close with..getting too close can ruin the excitement.

Houston TX
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Friendships are fine, but from experience we have become pretty good friends with a couple that we have played with numerous times. Now, we are more friends than playmates. Actually, after getting to know them as well as we do, the sexual attraction is not there. We still hang out, go out to eat and play with our S/O when we are all together. But the thrill of hooking up is no longer there.

Cherryville NC
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Ok 2-69er's; I just have to post on this...

You are looking for a deep friendship first then just maybe, play time. That is fine, that is how you are wired as you say in your profile. And no doubt you'll find some folks that will accept your approach with the ultimate landing be at soft-swap. And you have a right to be who and what you are.

Now the other side of the coin... swinging even when it's 69ing with each other's wife is just borrowing, with permission and supervision. Many couples don't want to get super close. They want a bit of a distance. They don't want to live with you or fall in love with you. Many folks who are seasoned swingers will tell you that there has to be a distance. That is part of what makes it safe emotionally. And with you being soft-swap (like we are) that limits the field already.

By the same token, yes, you want to know people well enough to feel safe and comfortable. So you don't just look at a couple at a party and go... 'Nice wife, wanna fuck?' But even the courtship you suggest doesn't tell you that much. The other guy could be a closet gay, molester, ex-felon who is not so ex. Do you really think you can tell?

We have two couples on here who we consider friends. In both cases, we played on the first night. The friendship developed from that point on. Both me and Mrs. JM felt safe with them from the start, and since it all worked out well with no drama, the friendship thing is really cool. With whom else can you talk about swinging other than the folks whose parts have been in your mouths!

So, 2-for-69, I suggest that you may want to consider a slight re-evaluation of how close you must be before playing. But... it's your call. Be true to yourselves and carefull with any rule changes.

BTW, come to Greenville SC some time and we'd love to go out to dinner with you... no promises, no expectations.

Greenville SC
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Thanks Vx2, but living near a major metropolitan city we really don't think (location) is much of an issue. We love our vanilla friends but really enjoy folks we can truly be our "normal" (sexual) selves around. Everyone wants to be excepted for who they are... after all isn't that why most of us are here??

Maybe it's just the frustration talking but we're tired of being stood up, blown off, accused of being too this or not enough that and ironically that's just by the folks that never met us! Doesn't anyone take the time (I'm not talking "Hey your wife is hot, let's meet?") to get to know anyone???

Fairview Heights IL
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TOPIC: Friendship in the L-S are we barking up the wrong tree
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