Laughing Out Loud senior version: Swingers Discussion 1136211011

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Laughing Out Loud senior version: Swingers Discussion 1136211011

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TOPIC: Laughing Out Loud {senior version}

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User Details are only visible to members.	This was in an email from my mother: Many of us over 50, WAY over 50, or on the way to 50 are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided: 1. A nose ring and bifocals 2. Spiked hair and bald spots 3. A pierced tongue and dentures 4. Miniskirts and support hose 5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads 6. Speedo's and cellulite 7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar 8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor 9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge 10. Pierced nipples that hang below the waist 11. Bikinis and liver spots 12. Short shorts and varicose veins 13. In-line skates and a walker And the ultimate 'Bad Taste' in fashion for the 'Older folks' . 14. Thongs and Depends
San Antonio TX			Username hidden (5609 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	The love story of Harry and Edith Harry and Edith were patients in a mental hospital because they were aged and both suffered from dementia. One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Harry suddenly jumped into the deep end. He immediately sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edith promptly jumped in to save him. She swam the bottom and pulled him out. When the hospital administrator became aware of Edith's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as the administrator now considered Edith to be mentally stable and not at all senile. When the administrator went to tell Edith the news she said 'Edith, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis situation by jumping in the pool and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound-mindedness. The bad news is Harry hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.' Edith replied, 'Harry didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'
Moosic PA			Username hidden (1024 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	It seems this elderly couple had a grand son that dearly loved them. When he took a job in south america with an oil drilling company, he stayed in touch with the grandparents. One Christmas he sent this gorgeous bird, with long tail feathers,,and a gold crown,,and brilliaiant colors, reds, blues and greens. Two days after Christmas he called to see if the bird arrived ok, Granpa said he sure did,,,the bird was delicious, granma made her special stuffing also. The grandson said,,, i cant believe you ate that bird,,,it was very expensive, that bird spoke 3 different languages,,,, Granpa says " Well, he should have said something "
San Antonio TX			Username hidden (6 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	A couple,strolling through the park, came upon a large dog just as he was leaning down between his legs to lick his genital area. The man sighed, then exclaimed; "Man! I wish I could do that!". The woman beside him responded; "You better ask him first, he is a pretty big dog!"
Des Plaines IL			Username hidden (45 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Cancel your credit card before you die..........(hilarious!) > > Now some people are really stupid!!!! Be sure and cancel your > credit cards before you die. > > > This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, > customer service being what it is today. > > A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her > for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit > card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The > balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. > > A family member placed a call to Citibank. > > Here is the exchange : > > Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back > in January.' > > Citibank : 'The account was never closed and the late > fees and charges still apply.' > > Family Member : 'Maybe, you should turn it over to > collections.' > > Citibank : 'Since it is two months past due, it already > has been.' > > Family Member : So, what will they do when they find out > she is dead?' > > Citibank : 'Either report her account to frauds division > or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!' > > Family Member : 'Do you think God will be mad at her?' > > Citibank: 'Excuse me?' > > Family Member : 'Did you just get what I was telling you > - the part about her being dead?' > > Citibank : 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.' > > > > Supervisor gets on the phone: > > Family Member : 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back > in January with a $0 balance.' > > Citibank : 'The account was never closed and late fees > and charges still apply.' > > Family Member : 'You mean you want to collect from her > estate?' > > Citibank : (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?' > > Family Member : 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info > was given) > > Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?' > > Family Member : 'Sure.' (Fax number was given ) > > > After they get the fax : > > Citibank : 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I > don't know what more I can do to help.' > Family Member : 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If > not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.' > > Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still > apply.' (What is wrong with these people?!?) > > Family Member : 'Would you like her new billing > address?' > > Citibank : 'That might help...' > > Family Member : ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway > 129, Plot Number 69.' > > Citibank : 'Sir, that's a cemetery !' > > Family Member : 'And what do you do with dead people on > your planet??? > > (Priceless!!)
Hudson NY			Username hidden (27 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Rinse off. Turn off shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN: Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Admire wiener size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again. Throw wet towel on bed. If there is anyone who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something SO very wrong with you. Have a great day..... and woo woo!!!
Hudson NY			Username hidden (27 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	A woman sent her husband to sign up for social security benefits. After he left, she noticed he had forgotten all his paperwork. When he returned home, he announced that he had gotten the benefits. She asked "how" He said he simply lifted his shirt and showed them all the gray hairon his chest. She replied, "Well, you damn fool, why in the hell didn't you drop your pants and get disability too.
Niagara Falls NY			Username hidden (1262 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	The Zipper A MAN WALKED INTO A SUPERMARKET WITH HIS ZIPPER DOWN. A LADY CASHIER WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID, 'YOUR BARRACKS DOOR IS OPEN'. NOT A PHRASE THAT MEN NORMALLY USE, HE WENT ON HIS WAY LOOKING A BIT PUZZLED. WHEN HE WAS ABOUT DONE SHOPPING, A MAN CAME UP AND SAID, 'YOUR FLY IS OPEN.' HE ZIPPED UP AND FINISHED HIS SHOPPING. AT THE CHECKOUT, HE INTENTIONALLY GOT IN THE LINE WHERE THE LADY WAS < /SPAN> THAT TOLD HIM ABOUT HIS 'BARRACKS DOOR.' HE WAS PLANNING TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN WITH HER, SO WHEN HE REACHED THE COUNTER HE SAID, 'WHEN YOU SAW MY BARRACKS DOOR OPEN, DID YOU SEE A MARINE STANDING IN THERE AT ATTENTION?' THE LADY (NATURALLY SMARTER THAN THE MAN) THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT AND SAID, 'NO, I DIDN'T. ALL I SAW WAS A DISABLED VETERAN SITTING ON A COUPLE OF OLD DUFFEL BAGS '
Hudson NY			Username hidden (27 post)

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TOPIC: Laughing Out Loud {senior version}