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WORST JOKE EVER- What is it : Swingers Discussion 758071021
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TOPIC: WORST JOKE EVER- What is it
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One day, a blonde went into an appliance store that was having a sale on TV's. She walked up to the counter and said to the clerk, "I would like to buy this TV."

The clerk replied, "Sorry, I don't sell to blondes."

So, the blonde dyed her hair brown and returned the next day. Again,she went up to the counter and said, "I would like to buy this TV."

And again, the clerk answered, "Sorry, I don't sell to blondes."

Puzzled, the blonde asked, "How did you know I was a blonde."

And the clerk said, "Because that's a microwave."

Spencer TN
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A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.

One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car." "Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."

Spencer TN
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Osama bin Laden has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don’t know what to do here," the devil says. "You’re on my list, but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got a couple of people here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Osama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil led him into the first room. In it was Manuel Noriega and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No," bin Laden said, "I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and I don’t think I could do that all day long."

So the devil led him to the next room. In it was the Ayatollah Khomeini with a sledgehammer and a huge pile of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I’d be in constant agony if all I did was break rocks all day," bin Laden commented.

So the devil opened a third door. In it, bin Laden saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was his girl Monica, smoking his pole like Cuban cigar. Osama bin Laden stared in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you’re free to go."

Spencer TN
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GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. 2) Wrinkles don't hurt. 3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD: 1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional. 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there. 4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE: 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus.

Spencer TN
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How do you et a one armed Newfie out of a tree?

Wave.

-Tig

Lake In The Hills IL
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Late one evening, the day after he had lost his wife scuba diving, two grim-faced policemen paid Mr. Rhodes a visit. "We're sorry to disturb you at this hour, Mr Rhodes, but we have some information concerning your wife. Actually, we have some bad news, some pretty good news and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Obviously fearing the worst, Mr Rhodes asked for the bad news first.

"We're sorry to inform you, sir," the policeman said, "we found your wife's body in the San Francisco Bay this morning." Oh, my God!" said a distraught Mr. Rhodes. Remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"When we pulled her up," said the policeman, "she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen crabs on her." "What?" a confused Mr Rhodes exclaimed. "So, what's the great news?"

As he smiled and smacked his lips, the officer replied, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

Spencer TN
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SuperMan was out flying along one day, feeling pretty horny. With his SuperVision, he spied Wonderwoman laying naked in the sun...on her back, knees up, eyes closed...seemingly sleeping and dreaming of a sexual encounter, as she was writhing and moving and digging it.

SuperMan sprung an instant SuperBoner, splitting his tights...he wanted that SuperBad.

"Fuckit", he thought to himself..."this won't take long, and Lois will never know".

So in flew the Man of Steel, driving it home, his hips reciprocating like a jackhammer, releasing his SuperLoad...and off he flew.

Wonderwoman, who cums in an instant, opens her eyes and says "OMG...what was that, what did you do?!?!?"

The Invisible Man looks down into her eyes and says "I dunno...but my ass is killing me!"

-Tig

Lake In The Hills IL
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There was a black man who was a bank VP. He was notified that the bank execs were throwing a big Halloween party for some high scale customers. So he calls home and asks his wife to go to the costume store and get him something fitting for the party.

Later that week he comes home there is a costume on the bed waiting for him when he comes home. He asks his wife what it is and she replies that it is a Superman costume. He then asks her what color Superman is and she replies that he is white. He states thet since he is a black man that this will not work and asked her to exchange it. Well a few days before the party he comes home again to find a costume waiting for him. Again he asks his wife what the costume is. This time she tells him that he will be Batman. He explains to her that Batman is white and he is black and demands that she find him something fitting for a black man. So the night of the party he comes home and sitting on the bed there is a white belt, a can of white paint and a 2x4. He looks at the items and asked his wife what in the hell is this stuff? She said that since he is looking for something fitting for a black man and all of the costumes were for white people she improvised. She pointed to the belt and said he can wear the belt and go as an Oreo cookie. Or he can take the paint and put white dots on him and go as a domino, or If he doesn't like the first two then he can shove the 2x4 up his ass and go as a fudgecicle

Spencer TN
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BiF...I THINK I understand the first one.

I Don't get the third.

-Tig

;-)

Lake In The Hills IL
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My ex always laughed at this, and we always laughed at him laughing:

Which side of a chicken are the most feathers on?

The outside.

(yeah, his sense of humor was not a selling point)

And here's one of my worst jokes and I never can tell it well either (which is why it's a worst joke):

A blonde is riding a horse and she starts slipping off. She's holding onto the reigns and she's sliding off and whap whap whap! Her head is banding on the ground and she's screaming...whap whap whap...until FINALLY, the manager of Walmart walks over to the horse and unplugs it from the wall.

Ugh.

One more? I knew it...

Here is the one I ruined for a guy at a comedy club:

He was from the south, and talking about how hard it is to date, and telling us about his girlfriends and ex girlfriends. Said he dated a gal from Mississippi once, and yes, she lived in a trailor. But she was beautiful. Looked like a younger Cindy Crawford, even had the little beauty mole on her cheek...

I yelled out, "That wasn't a mole! It was a tick!"

He told me later that in ten years, I was one of only two people who ever ruined a joke...hehehehehe!

So proud of myself, Gina

San Antonio TX
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TOPIC: WORST JOKE EVER- What is it