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How would you handle this Please help!! : Swingers Discussion 44200101
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TOPIC: How would you handle this Please help!!
Created by: Atowncplpa
Original Starting post for this thread:
I was hoping to get some good feedback with this dilemma we are going through right now.

After meeting a couple and talking with them things seemed to be going well and everyone was in the mood to play. There was mutual attraction and everyone was getting along really well. Crystal and the guy were having fun doing their thing and the lady and I started to do things with each other. Soon after we started playing the the woman mannerisms became "strange" for me, her actions were for me weird and it really made me lose interest with her. I didn't want to get up and tell Crystal it was time to go so I continued to forge my way through. I guess you could say I was taking one for the team. After things finished she wanted to continue and I was just not able to do so. We talked some more then they had to leave and we were able to relax.

My problem is they are very nice people and fun to talk to, but for me that is it and I really have no desire to meet them again. Problem is they keep IMing us and wanting to know when we are going to get together again. As I said they are very nice people and I do not want to be mean and hurt their feelings. Has this or any situation similar happened to anyone out there? Is there any advice you all can help me with, how to tell them and not be hurtful. I'm sure some of you will look at me as being the jerk but at the time I really was at a loss as to what to do and how to handle it. This had never happened to us before.

I the shoes were on the other foot I know I wouldn't want someone telling us that we were horrendous for them and they had no desire to meet, but I also would not want them to lead us on. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

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Hi everyone, wanted to update you on our situation. The following is what we sent. Hi guys, hope all is well for you. We're writing to tell you that we have come to a decision that concerns the both of us. After talking at lenght with each other and doing some deep searching we feel that our relationship needs to remain as friends. We feel that you both are wonderful people and great to sit back and have a discussion with, but as far as sexual compatibilty we feel that it is not there. We are sorry for any misconceptions we have given you but feel that we would be wrong to lead you on. We know you will find others out there that you click with and have a great time, and we would like it very much if you keep in touch so we can continue our friendship. If that is something you do not desire we understand and wish you the best.

Their response was a positive one with no hurt feelings. They IMed us asking what it was so they can learn from our situation, and it seems we all came to an understanding and will continue to be friends.

The one thing we have learned from this is to allow yourself the opportunity the figure out what you felt was the issue. And be upfront with the other party, theyprobably appreciate it more for the very reason the other couple stated. It is a learning experience. People know their partners likes and dislikes and know the correct buttons to push. Someone just meeting the person has to find those bottons and learn the sequence.

We appreciate all the responses and hope to see all of you in the forums giving great advice to others.

Allentown PA
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WOW, after reading the opening topic, I thought you were talking about us until I seen you had posted it! LOL...

No but really, we have been on both sides of this kind of thing..

Being the couple who "thought every thing was great" we would have loved to have gotten a friendly little email saying that we were great people, just not sexually compatible, rather then be ignored.. (which it what happened)... We did not obsessively IM them and email them, but did try to make contact a few more times.. We everntually got the hint....LOL

And being the ones who did not feel the chemistry is a hard one. You never know exactly how to let someone down easily.. What we did was just be honest and let them know that it just wasn't there for us... Anyway, you should update the post with how it goes for you! Hope that it all turns out well!!! N N

Fontana CA
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"we no longer swing in the same bed on first encounters"....While we openly prefer same bed, everybody touching everybody encounters....we have found the same as nymph, that first encounters go better seperate beds, even seperate rooms. Once everyone knows the plumbing, we get together for the king-sized fun. And here I thought we were different...lol

Phoenix AZ
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Its always tough when you meet nice people , then to tell them sexually your not interested.If you don't tell them then your in for a tougher time.You probably will lose them as friends if friends are what you seek. So many say they are in this for friends but as soon as you have had sex once and want to stop this part ,the friendship is gone.Be honest with yourself and them Interested . what made it strange for you?

Sarasota FL
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Hello everyone, we would like to extend our appreciation to all of you who have given us some insight to our problem. Though we realized that honesty is the best policy our concern was how to express it. We were not sure if we should explain our reasons or if we should allow it to pass. Some have this desire to know what it was that caused my uncomfortable uneasy feelings. I do not feel that explaining this is necessary or relevant to the issue. It was things that made ME uncomfortable and causing my lack of desire to continue our sexual relationship. But the question posed to me was answered in the opening post by us. Yes there was a mutual attraction when we first started. Will I say she knocked me off my feet, no. I did not find her hideous though. It was just after we were in the midst of things that I truly took notice to what she was doing. I have a hard time just getting up in the middle of things to say, hey you are making me feel uncomfortable with your actions and it is driving me nuts. I feel that if I had done that I would have caused more damage than would have corrected it. At the time I felt I had done the correct thing. Looking back maybe I didn't, this has been somewhat of a learning experience. And it looks as if we are not the only ones who have had the same learning experience. We will say that we are happy to hear that we weren't the only ones to go through this or feel this way. I guess sometimes you feel things are good but then you see that connection you thought you made was just a mirage. Human emotions are a funny thing and they are what make us human. Again we appreciate your thoughts and input and we hope we can handle this with the tact that many of you have done in the past.

Allentown PA
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Us for you two.. what a great response.. perfect in every way. We had this happen many times and used a similar response. Usually the aftermath was us being polite and slowly drifting away from each other on a cordial level. Swinging does indeed challenge our social skills and also helps develop them in a way not possible in the straight life. Just be glad we have the internet cuz it is not so easy to let someone down and say it all in person LOL... Again I compliment you on your excellent response to this dillema.. Kisses ... Mrs. Goats

Pinon Hills CA
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I agree with honesty but would probably have addressed it in person, on it occuring, and try to "fix" it then. I'm not sure either what "strange mannerisms" entails, but if it isn't happening sexually there are hundreds of other approaches to try and somewhere most two people can find something they can both enjoy with a little communication.

The closest parallel we can draw from our experience is once when the preliminaries and the sex went great, but he loosened up in the conversations after and got kinda scary unloading to us as if we were his therapist (bitter over some life setbacks). We told them then it was unsettling to us. It seemed to be appreciated as they had had other "rejections" after the fact but no one had ever said why, which had always left them wondering.

Phoenix AZ
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Been there and done it, but luckily for us the other couple/person could usually sense things weren't right (I have trouble hiding my feelings!)

I would NOT give details about what you didn't like. That's the first thing we learned when we got into this lifestyle, and actually just with dating as a divorcee. Don't tell someone what you didn't like, even if they ask for more info. and probably not even if they guess. That's just my experience. People are less angry if you don't give reasons.

When the evening doesn't go well and the other couple DOES write to us we email them that we like them very much and admit the sexual part didn't click for both of us. "We like you both very much and hope your feelings aren't hurt, and that we can still be friends/friendly."

Jen

Reading PA
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Atown: We had a very similar situation as yours. The couple emailed, imed obsessively every day after we met them for quite sometime. As I told the Mr., I am not a rude person, but I couldn't meet this couple again as the man totally turned me off when we were together, but didn't know how to tell them that we would not meet them again. It was getting to be a very big headache for me as the husband half of the other couple just kept going on and iming me every day and after about a month of this, I just couldn't take it any longer. I tried to gently explain although we think they were a very nice couple, there was no sexual chemistry; needless to say, he didn't get that either, and I just had to say what I felt, which made me feel bad. Bottom line is I don't ever think there is an easy way to say what you feel and that you don't want to be with them sexually again, but some just don't get it without coming right out and trying to state why tactfully and tastefully. We wish you the best of luck in your situation; I know every now and then we still get a message stating "have you changed your mind yet", and I just ignore it.

Jerome PA
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I'd keep it simple, sumthin like "Yous are really nice folks, but we feel we are not compatible sexually", and leave it at that. The more you go into detail, the more you give them a chance to argue, and the more chance there is of feelins gettin hurt.

Mike

Bedford PA
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TOPIC: How would you handle this Please help!!