How about this situation : Swingers Discussion 42661

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TOPIC: How about this situation

Created by: wifefirsttime Original Starting post for this thread:
A funny thing happened yesterday. First off, I DID have a life prior to re-marrying. There was a guy that I used to work with that he and I would flirt continuously, but it never went any further. He was dealing with problems, and I was dating a jerk. He and I talked about everything and anything. He and I did go out for coffee one night together, but that's all it was. Coffee and talking. He ended up leaving the job we worked at together, and haven't heard from him since. Til yesterday. He sends me an IM yesterday and tells me he had me on his buddy list all these years (been almost 4 since we've spoken). He was just asking how I've been and updating me on his life. He gave me his email address and asked me to keep in touch. He also asked if we can talk on the phone (always makes things easier). I didn't know how to respond to him. I did tell him right in the beginning of our convo that I was re-married. Seemed like that didn' t matter because he valued our "friendship" and I guess he has things going on that he could use a shoulder to lean on. I couldn't figure how my husband would react to me talking to someone I used to know in this sense (yes, it's because it's a male friend), so I replayed the incident to hubby when he got home from work. Hubby decided it wouldn't be a good idea for me to continue this relationship. I think there is a "jealousy" issue about a male who was close to me mentally. I've told hubby that I would never do anything he was uncomfortable with, but I don't understand why he would not want me even communicating with this person onine. Hubby feels that this person would want to take it "offline" and if I meet him alone, I'm going against what we decided was best for us (we play together only). I would NEVER set up a meeting with this person on my own. Besides, I don't believe his interest is anything but mental. I believe he is reaching out for a friendship we both enjoyed. I will NOT go against hubby's wishes, but was looking for opnions on this matter. Lora

Created by: wifefirsttime
Original Starting post for this thread:

A funny thing happened yesterday.  First off, I DID have a life prior to re-marrying.  There was a guy that I used to work with that he and I would flirt continuously, but it never went any further.  He was dealing with problems, and I was dating a jerk.  He and I talked about everything and anything.  He and I did go out for coffee one night together, but that's all it was.  Coffee and talking.  
  He ended up leaving the job we worked at together, and haven't heard from him since.  Til yesterday.
  He sends me an IM yesterday and tells me he had me on his buddy list all these years (been almost 4 since we've spoken).  He was just asking how I've been and updating me on his life.  He gave me his email address and asked me to keep in touch.  He also asked if we can talk on the phone (always makes things easier).  I didn't know how to respond to him.  I did tell him right in the beginning of our convo that I was re-married.  Seemed like that didn' t matter because he valued our "friendship" and I guess he has things going on that he could use a shoulder to lean on.  
  I couldn't figure how my husband would react to me talking to someone I used to know in this sense (yes, it's because it's a male friend), so I replayed the incident to hubby when he got home from work.
  Hubby decided it wouldn't be a good idea for me to continue this relationship.  I think there is a "jealousy" issue about a male who was close to me mentally.  I've told hubby that I would never do anything he was uncomfortable with, but I don't understand why he would not want me even communicating with this person onine.  Hubby feels that this person would want to take it "offline" and if I meet him alone, I'm going  against what we decided was best for us (we play together only).  
  I would NEVER set up a meeting with this person on my own.  Besides, I don't believe his interest is anything but mental.  I believe he is reaching out for a friendship we both enjoyed.
 
  I will NOT go against hubby's wishes, but was looking for opnions on this matter.

Lora

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User Details are only visible to members.	I know its been a while since this topic was posted to but i have to say i completely understand the situation you are in. Before i met Craig i had TONS of guy pals some who i slept with and some who i hadn't. At first Craig didn't mind if i talked with them online. However, we started to notice a pattern. Most began to step out of line at some point during conversation. (We save all our IM messages for the other to read so we are aware of what is going on and always are both in the loop.) Eventually it started to become a problem. While i wasn't doing anything other then chatting with these people online it made Craig uncomfortable. I slowly started to understand this when old female friends/playmates of his started to contact. Nothing like having some woman think she is talking to Craig when it is really me and having her say "I miss you" Needless to say I told her where she could shove it since she knew that i was in the picture. I don't see anything wrong with what your hubby asked. He is probably right and honestly even if the guy wouldn't take it any further if he wanted a friend he should have kept in contact with you during those four years you heard nothing from him. Just seems kinda fishy to me. Anywho just my thoughts Kisses Zoe
Mayfield PA			Username hidden (910 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Curiousnew, You're askin the wrong man, we don't do it to fullfill desires that are lackin, we do it for interaction and adventure. And I see nothin wrong with that bein physical, emotional, and or both. Mike
Bedford PA			Username hidden (5527 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	CuriousNew, since you don't personally know us, I can see why you'd ask the question. Additionally, I'm not saying some people don't have insecurities or lack of trust. I'm just saying not all people who choose to only play together, including us have that problem. How do I know I don't want to? The key phrase in my post was "ample opportunity". I could fill pages with what those are but I'll give you my most recent two examples. I frequently make reference to LisnHar in here. We have a long term relationship with them which includes GREAT sex. Not long ago, I had occasion to be in NM without Bacchus for 4 days. I stayed in their home. If ever there was a situation where we would have thought I'd play alone, that was it. The first night, the 3 of us were groping around in the hot tub nude and certainly the intent was there. Simultaneously, we started laughing. It just didn't feel the same without Bacchus. A couple weeks ago we were in an on-premise club. We didn't encounter any couple we both wanted and decided perhaps we'd seek individual pleasures. We both hooked up, went to play rooms, foreplay ensued and guess what? Less than 10 minutes later there we were running into each other at the firepit after we had both politely apologized to our prospective partners. We don't have hidden issues or concerns with each other. Anyone who actually knows us will tell you, you'd be very hard put to find many couples as in tune with ourselves and each other as we are and it's hardly like we're newlyweds or new to the lifestyle. Will we ever change? We certainly are open to it. Like I said in theory we agree it's just fine. The only thing I really don't see happening is doing it where we taking time we could be together. As I've stated before, we are apart a lot. It doesn't put stress on the marriage but we do miss each other terribly. So we currently choose to avoid being separated unneccessarily. Insecurity? No we just like being with each other that much. L <ending her novel length soapbox and respecting that everyone else doesn't make the same choices> PS, of course hanging out in NY with Poly could completely convert me!
Saint Augustine FL			Username hidden (12572 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	This isn't in any way a direct response to Meet & Play's last post. I've watched this topic and the one of Encouraging, Giving Permission for Spouse to Play since both threads started and I've been meaning to post these thoughts. I keep seeing the words insecurity and lack of trust used. We think it's all such a personal choice that doesn't necessarily have anything to do with trust and security. We don't think there's anything wrong with playing alone. In theory, under very specific circumstances, we agree it's okay for us to do. For us those circumstances are we are geographically separated and the partners would be people that we already know and trust to not be whack jobs. But we've never done it in spite of there being ample opportunity. When it comes down to it, we just don't get the same kick out of it if we're not together. So it's a matter of the ROI just isn't there for us. The trust and security in each other never would occur to us. Just how our little pea brains function.
Saint Augustine FL			Username hidden (12572 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	That's what I meant, we could quit and still survive, not that any of us would want to, not even for 7 mil. Mike
Bedford PA			Username hidden (5527 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	There is a big difference. A need is something you can't do without. Like the need to breath and the need to pay taxes. A desire is somethin you can choose or choose not. You can't choose not to breathe, if ya do ya'll pass out and start breathin again anyway. Ya can't choose not to pay taxes, they'll teke'em from you anyway, especially after ya stop breathin. Sex is a desire, we could choose to stop havin sex anytime we want. We choose to continue because we want to continue, not because we need to. If sex was truely a need, then people would die when they could no longer have sex, just like they do when they can no longer breathe or pay taxes. Mike
Bedford PA			Username hidden (5527 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Hmmmm, another very interesting topic! I agree with Bacchus and many others here about this post, we can control ourselves and there is such a thing as will power, i promise! I myself have only less than a handful of very close long term friendships one of them being a male....totally platonic and I would never want anything to happen to destroy that.....good friends are far and few between and i for one wouldn't want to jeopardize a friendship like that. He is friends with both me and my guy, he used to work with me, so was my friend initially first, but comes over and spends time with us both and we have gone to shows together, etc........I do go places with him separately from hubby, but that's ok because there is total trust....we are all friends....I do agree that if her husband feels uncomfortable with this situation, they definately need to have a discussion and get to the bottom of it.....it is no good when one partner is feeling bad or insecure about a situation....his feelings are valid and they surely need to work it out hopefully where everybody is happy......it would be too bad if a friend was lost to all this, but if hubby is still uncomfortable even after they have discussed it, she may have to tell this guy she cannot see him for a while or......???? Tough one! Best of luck to you Wifefirsttime.......
Burbank CA			Username hidden (169 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	First off, I ceased exchanges with this person. My husbands feelings are number one in my book. Second, I figured out the answer to my question. My question stemmed from he being "okay" with swing situations, but have an issue with someone that I was close with at one time? Yes, hubby is jealous, but won't admit to it. Hubby seems to feel there can only be one reason this person would contact me.. SEX. If hubby is more comfortable if I didn't continue contact with this person, then I would do as he wishes. To me, this all stems from the kind of person we are. In my opinion, men DO and CAN have platonic relationships. Sex does NOT always have to enter the equation. I believe I can make ANYONE happy, and it does not have to include sex. Over the years, I've had more male friends than female friends. I feel I have always made an 'impression" on people I've met. Since I've had quite a few old "friends" try to reestablish contact, I would assume the impression I gave was always a good one. Bottom line, my husband doesn't ask or require much from me. If he feels this strongly about a person or situation, I take his feelings into consideration and do what I can to put my husband at ease. This "friendship" is not stronger than my love and livelyhood. Thanks for letting me vent. Lora
Pittston Township PA			Username hidden (1137 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	First off, I ceased exchanges with this person. My husbands feelings are number one in my book. Second, I figured out the answer to my question. My question stemmed from he being "okay" with swing situations, but have an issue with someone that I was close with at one time? Yes, hubby is jealous, but won't admit to it. Hubby seems to feel there can only be one reason this person would contact me.. SEX. If hubby is more comfortable if I didn't continue contact with this person, then I would do as he wishes. To me, this all stems from the kind of person we are. In my opinion, men DO and CAN have platonic relationships. Sex does NOT always have to enter the equation. I believe I can make ANYONE happy, and it does not have to include sex. Over the years, I've had more male friends than female friends. I feel I have always made an 'impression" on people I've met. Since I've had quite a few old "friends" try to reestablish contact, I would assume the impression I gave was always a good one. Bottom line, my husband doesn't ask or require much from me. If he feels this strongly about a person or situation, I take his feelings into consideration and do what I can to put my husband at ease. This "friendship" is not stronger than my love and livelyhood. Thanks for letting me vent. Lora
Pittston Township PA			Username hidden (1137 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	watch out.Things can get out of control quickly without even knowing it is going haywire.You already have established an emotional bond to this person.One that you can talk to about anything and everything ,even personal problems. Have to ask this one little question. how many times have you heard where poeple have gone cross country leaving family friends loved ones behind.This happens way to often more so then anyone can imagine. All of them will say the same thing they had no idea how far they could go or would. one day im me I willl tell you all about some stuff
Sarasota FL			Username hidden (2070 post)

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