BDH, we've run into this as well. Mr. doesn't always ejaculate inside me, and for him, it's usually a mental thing (as in yesterday, we were waiting for a friend to arrive...not a swing friend...and he kept thinking the door bell was going to ring at any moment0. We have been swinging since 2005, and I think he has only finished with one other woman in all that time. Here are some reasons: Ordinarily, it does take him a while when he's with a woman, including me. We work around that, but sometimes it makes me feel "inadequate," in a way. What I then need from him is the reassurance that this has nothing to do with me, and more to do with him: how often we've had sex, if he's tired, if he has work stress, allergies, distractions, timing, if he's sore from golf or other acitivities...you get the picture. Any number of things can delay ejaculation. It has become a bit of a non issue. But I, like many women, have seen this in the past as something I need to "achieve" for the guy I'm with, the ultimate pleasure, if you will. What I have to realize is that there are MANY ways to "finish." What I find fun is foreplay, penetration, and then if it's not going to happen, finish him off manually, or have him finish himself off while I watch and er, lend a hand or two. What gets you off when you masturbate? Visual? Fantasy? a firmer pressure, etc.? That's what you can incorporate in your sexual adventures, if that's what you want to acheive. There should be no pressure, from yourself or another woman, to get to orgasm...yeah, okay, it's always a pleasing goal, but it doesn't HAVE to be the be all and end all. Another reason: Sometimes with other partners, Dan will be thinking of ME and wondering if things are going well, if I am having fun, being pleased, etc. That's when we need to remember to get back together and have sex with each other. That usually is the "trick" to satisfaction. Good luck, and relax. You are not alone, and it shouldn't be such a big deal. Gina

Matt-- thank you so much for sharing this. It gives me such a better perspective on My expectations of men when playing, especially the first couple of times. We had a wonderfully giving steady third when we began this journey. He was very experienced and patient with us as we got our feet...ahem...wet. But no matter how we played, or for how long, he never came, even when he and I played alone. However, he reassured me that he was very much enjoying himself ( he sure seemed to be!) and though it took me a while to internalize it, I finally realized that it was NOT my fault/responsibility. Although we dont see him anymore (he is now in a steady vanilla relationship), I still think of him fondly and would enjoy 'trying' again with him...no pressure to perform on ANYBODY's part this time! Lol

I have been preoccupied lately. In relation to this thread, we are going to a house party hosted by one of my favorite playmates and she happens to be very focused on me finishing, to the point that she will not quit. Its a big part of her enjoyment of it all. I do not want her to not like/eventually stop playing with me because of my issue, and there you have a large part of the genesis of this thread. The irony is that my focus is on pleasing her, which for her means pleasing me, and that misalignment of focus is the root of the problem it seems. A catch 22. Many years ago, Bri and I came to understand that we are each responsible for our own orgasms, and no matter how hard our partner may try, sometimes its just not going to happen. Somewhere along the line, I forgot that simple fact, and I'm having a hell of a time trying to actualize it when we swing. -M

I didn't forget. I just don't have much to say at the moment.

-M

I'm wondering Matt, if it would be helpful to be a bit perverse here.

I used to do cold calling in sales. I used to set myself a goal of not stopping until i got 20 "no's" to get through it and feel successful! I could then cross it off my list. Of course, along the way, I'd statistically HAVE to get some yeses!

And so, Perhaps you should try to change your mindset. When you get in that bitch, start telling yourself how not only does it not matter if you cum, but that, goddamn it you'd better NOT!

I wonder if that would help?

M- great advice to M! My first thought upon reading the OP was that Matt is thinking too much, but rather than chastise as I was wont to do, I suggested refocusing on basics. But in all seriousness, I agree with Sed. This too shall pass. (if you let it...)

Some women do get all bent out of shape on this matter. I rarely can cum with a condom on (although I can get very close), particularly if it's a new partner or it is a more "public" venue. The only times I am sure I could have cum with a condom on are with girls I had played several times with before and in private situations.

Generally, I need a bit of a shove over the edge..... either my own hands or (preferably) hers.

I don't worry about it really, because it means I can totally go to town on the girl without having to slow down because I don't want to finish before I'd like.

Bdh-- silly man-- you are justifying your justifying! We can all tell you to relax and enjoy the ride, but I myself have been where you are, and so I know the circular thought process. Focus on your breathing. Think about making it regular and normal or even deep. Bri can help you with this by reminding/ordering ;) you to BREATHE! Dammit! Letting go of being in control and focusing on that basic need may help greatly. I know for sure it helps me and it drives Andy absolutely mad when I demand that he breathe properly. He usually cums within moments of that and his orgasms are freaking intense when he doesn't hold his breath or strain toward the big O. Good luck, baby. This too shall pass you sexy mofo!

Getting an erection isn't the problem but I rarely cum with a new partner through intercourse. It usually requires oral and sometimes a little help from Rosy to finish the job. As for advice, I have two trains of thought. One is be "in the moment". Sometimes we let distractions of what is going on around us (being watched, checking on your partner, was somebody laughing just now?) get in our heads. Secondly, do you have a "go-to" fantasy? That one picture in your head that gets you off every time? What I find is if I can't get my mojo working by focusing on who I am with, I check out into my favorite fantasy in order to finish. Naturally I agree with Carrie to not worry about it and as long as the lady gets off, I am pretty happy but if you want to "finish" what you started, that is the best I've got for you.

The only way is to get use to it. You don't have to wear one all the time. If you are going to cum, it will be with your wife or yourself. Once you get use to cumming with a condom, it won't be a problem anymore.

Carrie