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TOPIC: Offensive Religious Jokes
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Farmer Sam tries to play golf the first time. He drops the ball on the grass, takes a huge swing, misses it. He tries again, he misses it again. 'G*d damn, missed again!' he exclaims. A priest is golfing behind Sam, but says nothing about the profanity.

Sam moves the ball a little bit, with his foot, takes another swing... of course he misses it again. 'G*d damn, missed again!' he shouts. The priest can't stand this any more, he pulls Sam aside. 'Listen Sam, if you keep swearing like this, God might just smite you with a giant thunderbolt.'

Sam thanks the priest, rolls his ball a tad more to the side, aims r-e-a-l long, and after several minutes or intense staring, takes a super-concentrated shot. A huge miss again. Forgetful of the priestly advice, Sam blurts out, 'G*d damn, missed again!'

Immediately huge black clouds cover the sky, and amidst a mighty roar, a giant thunderbolt slams down, leaving but a gaping, smoking hole... in the place of the priest.

A thundering voice from the sky... 'G*d damn, missed again!'

Honolulu HI
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Let's offend everyone!

I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him 'I wish I had your will power.'

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were not the correct answers.

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said 'don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually. '

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said 'Nope, you’re still black'

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that.

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks What is wrong?? The boy says Me ma is dead. Oh bejaysus. The man says Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you? The boy replies No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best! Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself “I’m going to take that”.

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him ‘Where am I’? The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. ‘You’re in that basket.’

I had a Trivia competition shot to pieces until the last question which I got wrong. The question was‘Where do women have the curliest hair’?? The answer I should have given was Fiji

Tulare CA
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Q. Why's it so hard to find a priest this weekend?

A. Walmart is having a sale. Boys pants - half off.

Danville VT
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Yeah, I am in huge demand around Easter, LOL.

Daniels MD
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My girlfriend was starting an exercise group at church and needed help with creating a catchy name for the session. I suggested "Pontius Pilates". She was not amused.

An eclipse was coming up and my neighborhood Sunday school teacher needed a religiously themed craft activity for the kids. I suggested the "Hand of Jesus" project where the kids traces their hand on paper, cut it out, then poke a hole in the center to then safely look at the sun. She was not amused.

The local church fundraising committee needed some game ideas for the annual picnic/carnival. I suggested they stake a three crucifixes out on a small knoll and call it the "Crown of Thorns" ring toss. They were not amused.

When Tom Cruise was filming "Valkyrie" on location in Germany, he thought he was being persecuted for his religious beliefs because of problems he was having parking his cars and looks he was getting from the locals in the cafeteria. I just laughed. Tom: they're Germans. If they were persecuting you because of your religious beliefs, you'd know it.

Daniels MD
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TOPIC: Offensive Religious Jokes