Offensive Religious Jokes: Swingers Discussion 187746

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TOPIC: Offensive Religious Jokes

Created by: KurtEZ1 Original Starting post for this thread:
My girlfriend was starting an exercise group at church and needed help with creating a catchy name for the session. I suggested "Pontius Pilates". She was not amused. An eclipse was coming up and my neighborhood Sunday school teacher needed a religiously themed craft activity for the kids. I suggested the "Hand of Jesus" project where the kids traces their hand on paper, cut it out, then poke a hole in the center to then safely look at the sun. She was not amused. The local church fundraising committee needed some game ideas for the annual picnic/carnival. I suggested they stake a three crucifixes out on a small knoll and call it the "Crown of Thorns" ring toss. They were not amused. When Tom Cruise was filming "Valkyrie" on location in Germany, he thought he was being persecuted for his religious beliefs because of problems he was having parking his cars and looks he was getting from the locals in the cafeteria. I just laughed. Tom: they're Germans. If they were persecuting you because of your religious beliefs, you'd know it.

Created by: KurtEZ1
Original Starting post for this thread:

My girlfriend was starting an exercise group at church and needed help with creating a catchy name for the session.  I suggested "Pontius Pilates".  She was not amused.

An eclipse was coming up and my neighborhood Sunday school teacher needed a religiously themed craft activity for the kids.  I suggested the "Hand of Jesus" project where the kids traces their hand on paper, cut it out, then poke a hole in the center to then safely look at the sun.  She was not amused.

The local church fundraising committee needed some game ideas for the annual picnic/carnival.  I suggested they stake a three crucifixes out on a small knoll and call it the "Crown of Thorns" ring toss.  They were not amused.

When Tom Cruise was filming "Valkyrie" on location in Germany, he thought he was being persecuted for his religious beliefs because of problems he was having parking his cars and looks he was getting from the locals in the cafeteria.  I just laughed.  Tom:  they're Germans.  If they were persecuting you because of your religious beliefs, you'd know it.

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User Details are only visible to members.	Mark Carmen you are going to Hell for telling that joke. I will save a seat for you.
Houston TX			Username hidden (37 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. 'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.' The priest sighed and told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.' Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father , it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.' This time, curiosity captured the priest: 'And who is this Nookie Green?' 'A new woman in the neighborhood', the sinner replied. 'Very well,' sighed the priest. 'Ye go and say ten Hail Mary's.' At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes. The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs opened slightly apart, but just enough to suggest she wasn't wearing any underwear. The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?' The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to stammer a reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.
Tulare CA			Username hidden (1881 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. 'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior .. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.' 'It was,' sighed the Sister. ' And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.' 'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?' 'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!' 'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!' 'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother Superior - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dog leg left and a hidden green....and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !' 'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!' 'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!' 'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother. 'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. ' And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!' 'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile. 'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!' Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... 'You missed the fuckin' putt, didn't you?
Tulare CA			Username hidden (1881 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Norcal- funny.... you may burn in hell for it, but tooo funny. Guess I will too for laughing at it, I'll save you a spot close to the fire if I get there first. ;-)~
Burlingham NY			Username hidden (9222 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	This one has a visual element. Why was Jesus such a hot with the ladies? Because he was hung like this (hold arms out to sides as though crucified) Why can't Jesus eat m&m's ? They fall through the holes in his hands
Salinas CA			Username hidden (19 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	A Pakistani immigrant goes to a Doctor and says, "I feel terrible." The Doctor says, "You need to pee and poo in a bucket for a week, throw in a dead fish and a rotting cabbage. Put a towel over your head and inhale the vapors for three days". The man does this and goes back to the Doctor and says, "I feel wonderful! What was wrong with me?" "You were homesick"
Tulare CA			Username hidden (1881 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	The old priest at the parish came out of the confessional and asked the new young priest to take over for him because he had to go a run a few errands. But father, I do not know what penance to give, as I have not done this before he replied. Don't worry my son, I will give you a list of sins and penance so you can cross reference. So the new priest takes over.... The first - forgive me father for I have sinned, I stole something. He looks on the list, stealing = 5 Hail Mary's The second - forgive me father for I have sinned, I committed adultery. He looks on the list, adultery = 5 Are Father's The third - (in a muffled voice) forgive me father for I have sinned, I am an active homosexual and I partake in oral and anal sex. He looks on the list, homosexual = nothing, oral sex = nothing, anal sex = nothing..... stumped, he excuses himself to get help and tries to find the father.... He is nowhere to be found, and he sees the alter boys preparing for mass, desperate he asks them "boys quickly, what would father give for oral and anal sex?“........ the reply was "chocolate milk and two cookies" Off to hell I go. ;)
Nazareth PA			Username hidden (2 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	Bill Maher is reputed to have said that he was brought up in a family of mixed religions - one parent catholic and the other jewish. He said, "I went to confession, but I always brought my lawyer."
Danville VT			Username hidden (7129 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards. The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.' The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.' The priest looked up from his book and answered, 'I am the Father of many.' The boy said, 'My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!' The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom . . . and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."
Tulare CA			Username hidden (1881 post)

User Details are only visible to members.	A little boy was sitting on the church steps in the bronx with a bottle of acid when the priest came by and asked him what was in the bottle. The boy replied" Ah, it's a bottle of acid fadduh" To which the priest replied " You shouldn't have a bottle of acid, you should have a bottle of holy water , my son" The boy replied " What the heck can you do wit a bottle of holy water faddah" priest says"the other day I put some holy water on a pregnant womans stomach, and she passed a baby" Kid says" That ain't nuttin fadduh, I put some of this acid on a cats ass and he passed a motorcycle.
Livingston NJ			Username hidden (35 post)

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TOPIC: Offensive Religious Jokes

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