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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own
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My favorite old bar joke.

Usually there's one asshole at the table. After priming the pump with a few good jokes, I break this one out and he's always on cue to step into it... "What's the difference between a bitch and a slut?" "A slut will fuck anyone...a bitch will fuck anyone but you!"

.....his friends usually appreciate the come-uppance. lol

Mcallen TX
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Me and a buddy were in a bar last Saturday night, drank a few. There were two very large women by the bar. They both had pretty strong accents. My buddy said: I am going to go and try and pick-up those two gals. I tried to warn him, he was seeing through his beers. He ignores me and walks up to them. So he asks: "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland ?" One of them chirped saying, "It's WALES, you friggin' idiot!" He immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland ?"

I was just about to dial 911 when he came to and asked: What happened?

Tulare CA
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2 part joke:

Two old drunks sitting at the bar. One looks over to the other and says, "y'know, I remember a long time ago, I could eat my girl's pussy all day...now it looks like it could eat me!"

SThen, he said he needed to leave. He got up and started to stagger out and his friend aske, "Hey, are you driving?!?" and he answered, "Hell, yeah, I'm too drunk to walk!"

Same old drunk staggered out into the parking lot, key in hand, clamoring on about "somebody stole my car!" The officer outside asked him where he saw it last and he pointed to the end of the key and said "it was right here" tapping his finger to the tip end of the key. Then, the officer noticed the drunk's fly was open and tried to give him the heads up, to which the old drunk started REALLY panicking and yelling, " them bastards stole my girlfriend, too!"

Mcallen TX
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This bridge has a clearance of 11 feet 8 inches.

It is serious. 11 foot 8.

Many truckers attempt to challenge this.

The 11 foot 8 bridge - ruthlessly enforcing the laws of physics for over 100 years. w ww.youtube. com/watch?v=IAqKdX3rXi4

Chesapeake VA
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Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are. AN OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR SHUFFLED INTO TOWN LEADING A TIRED OLD MULE. THE OLD WOMAN HEADED STRAIGHT FOR THE ONLY SALOON TO CLEAR HER PARCHED THROAT.

SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCH RAIL. AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, saying, "Hey, Old WOMAN, have you ever danced?" THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO." A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID, "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET. THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR - NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF -STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON. THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS. THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR. THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS. THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER LICKED A MULE'S BUTT? THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO MAAM... BUT... I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO." THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS FOR US ALL HERE: 1 - Never be arrogant. 2 - Don't waste ammunition. 3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are. 4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power. 5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid...

Tulare CA
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My girlfriend looked at me last night and asked "Honey, why don't we have sex like they do in the movies?"

So I ripped off her shirt, pulled down her pants, bent her over the table, slapped her on both ass cheeks a dozen times, rammed my unlubed cock inside her ass as hard as I could, grabbed her hair and yanked her head around so she was forced to watch me jackhammer her from behind, flipped her over, shoved my cock into her mouth, came on her face and in her hair, and then looked around for her sister.

Right afterwards she started crying and broke up with me.

Turns out we watch completely different movies...

Long Beach CA
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John and Frank go out to the bar scene - John is a player and Frank, well let's just say he's not the sharpest tool in the shed.

Frank asks John to help him with "the Ladies" - John says, "Sure, watch what I do and then do that."

John steps over to a young lady and whispers in her ear, "Tickle your ass with a feather?" The young lady gets indignant and say, "What?!" "Particularly nice weather?" - says John to diffuse the situation.

John walks away and heads for another lady with Frank in tow.

It goes again. John, "Tickle your ass with a feather?" The young lady gets indignant and say, "What?!" "Particularly nice weather?"

This happens a couple more times, then suddenly, John says, "Tickle your ass with a feather?" The young lady says, "Sure big boy, whatever you want!" and John and the lady leave.

So Frank thinks he has this down and goes to work with John's wisdom in hand. He spies a young lady, walks up to her and whispers, "Fuck you in the ass with a crow bar?" The young lady gets indignant and say, "What, you creep?!?!!" Now Frank, not being all that up on what to do in this situation, gets a little flustered and blurts out loudly, "Um, think it'll rain?"

Jacksonville FL
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I have Electile Dysfunction - neither candidate is exciting me much! :-)'

Jacksonville FL
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I know, I know, these are really bad.

Some guy just knocked on my door, selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans. I said, “Fuck that – knowing my luck, I’d win one!” ____________________________________________________

Wife says to husband, “If you start riding that new bicycle I bought for you to work, we can get rid of the second car.” He replies, “If you take it up the ass and let me blow a load of cum on your face, we can get rid of the nanny!” ____________________________________________________

A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can’t believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!” ____________________________________________________

Got this text from my brother recently. It read, “Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock. It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”

______________________________________________________

Was banging this nice lady on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!” Thinking back, I really should have ran – but you don’t get offers like that every day. ____________________________________________________

Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the fuck out of this idiot at a party. In my defense…when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in. ____________________________________________________

My wife just came in and said, “I don’t know if I am coming or going.” I said to her, “Judging by the look on your face, you’re going – ‘cuz when you’re coming, you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!” ____________________________________________________

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I fucked a girl called Penny – is that spooky or what? _____________________________________________________

The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?” Apparently, “Only to stop myself from coming too quickly,” wasn’t the right answer.

Tulare CA
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What do you call a deer with no eyes? No Eye Deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? No Eye Deer Still.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no dick? No Fucking Eye Deer Still.

Jacksonville FL
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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own