A guy goes into the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour." The interviewer says, "That will give you five extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service! Well, that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m.. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day." "The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

Lynch, The Irish Painter A painter by the name of Lynch, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Doolin in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses. One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude. This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact she was willing to pay up to £10,000. Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. In a few minutes he returned.

"T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay. "I'll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes."

At the retirement home a new male resident was making his way around when one of the ladies who had been a resident for some time approached him.. she pulled her gown high up over her head and screamed "Super pussy" The startled man who was slightly hard of hearing quietly replied "soup please"

Dear Abby My husband hasn't worked for the last 14 years. All he does is get dressed in the morning and hops in his fancy car to visit his cronies. I know he`s cheated on me many times with young girls who could be his grand daughters .

I know because he brags about this to me . He smokes fancy cigars and drinks the most expensive Champagne day and night . We sleep in separate beds because he`s always telling me he knows I`m a lesbian and my varicose veins and hairy back turn him off!

Should I clobber him with my frying pan, or should I leave him, Abby ?

Your advice would be appreciated ..... Mad as Hell

Dear Mad as Hell,

You don`t have to take that kind of treatment from any man . I suggest you pack your bags and move out a.s.a.p.! Don`t resort to clobbering him with the frying pan , and try to act like a lady!

Remember ....... you`re running for President of the United States , so try acting like one !

Abby

Things you can say only on Thanksgiving...

1. Talk about a huge breast!

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. It's Cool Whip time!

4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!

5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!

6. I'm in the mood for dark meat.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some.

10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you stick it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!

18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!

19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Two little boys, ages 5 and 8, decide one morning that it's time to learn how to swear. The 8 yr old says "okay, so you say 'ass' and I'll say 'Hell'." They both run downstairs bright eyed and bushy tailed, ready to start this new exciting phase in their lives.

So when they're sitting at the dining table, Mom comes up to the 8 yr old and asks "And what are you going to have for breakfast?"

"Awww Hell, Ma. I'll just have some Cheerios."

Mom's eyes flash and she swats him across the mouth. "I DON'T EVER WANT TO HEAR THAT WORD FROM YOU AGAIN!!!!!!" He jumps up from the table and runs upstairs bawling his eyes out.

Mom straightens her apron, turns to the 5 yr old, and asks "So what are YOU going to have for breakfast?"

"I dunno Mom, but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Cheerios."

What's the difference between a Harley and a Vacuum cleaner. Its the location of the Dirt Bag.

A private jet arrives at Heathrow international airport and Donald Trump strides to a waiting limousine which drives him to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. From there, they are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.

They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well. Suddenly, the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The fart shakes the coach. The smell is atrocious! Both passengers in the carriage must use perfume-dipped handkerchiefs over their nose, but the two do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to Trump saying, "Mr. Trump, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control." Trump, with his usual diplomatic aplomb, replied, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.

Not a "joke", but an oft-told story about Calvin Coolidge, who was notoriously laconic. Also, he didn't talk much. :)

Anyway, Coolidge was hosting a party at the White House when one of the lady guests (one version of the tale says it was Dorothy Parker) walked up and in a challenging tone said "I have a bet with a friend here. She says that I can't get you to say more than two words to me."

"Silent Cal" replied, "you lose".

That's all I got.....