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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own
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John and Frank go out to the bar scene - John is a player and Frank, well let's just say he's not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Frank asks John to help him with "the Ladies" - John says, "Sure, watch what I do and then do that." John steps over to a young lady and whispers in her ear, "Tickle your ass with a feather?" The young lady gets indignant and say, "What?!" "Particularly nice weather?" - says John to diffuse the situation. John walks away and heads for another lady with Frank in tow. It goes again. John, "Tickle your ass with a feather?" The young lady gets indignant and say, "What?!" "Particularly nice weather?" This happens a couple more times, then suddenly, John says, "Tickle your ass with a feather?" The young lady says, "Sure big boy, whatever you want!" and John and the lady leave. So Frank thinks he has this down and goes to work with John's wisdom in hand. He spies a young lady, walks up to her and whispers, "Fuck you in the ass with a crow bar?" The young lady gets indignant and say, "What, you creep?!?!!" Now Frank, not being all that up on what to do in this situation, gets a little flustered and blurts out loudly, "Um, think it'll rain?" |
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Jacksonville FL |
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I have Electile Dysfunction - neither candidate is exciting me much! :-)'
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Jacksonville FL |
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I know, I know, these are really bad.
Some guy just knocked on my door, selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans. I said, “Fuck that – knowing my luck, I’d win one!” ____________________________________________________ Wife says to husband, “If you start riding that new bicycle I bought for you to work, we can get rid of the second car.” He replies, “If you take it up the ass and let me blow a load of cum on your face, we can get rid of the nanny!” ____________________________________________________ A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can’t believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!” ____________________________________________________ Got this text from my brother recently. It read, “Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock. It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!” ______________________________________________________ Was banging this nice lady on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!” Thinking back, I really should have ran – but you don’t get offers like that every day. ____________________________________________________ Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the fuck out of this idiot at a party. In my defense…when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in. ____________________________________________________ My wife just came in and said, “I don’t know if I am coming or going.” I said to her, “Judging by the look on your face, you’re going – ‘cuz when you’re coming, you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!” ____________________________________________________ I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I fucked a girl called Penny – is that spooky or what? _____________________________________________________ The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?” Apparently, “Only to stop myself from coming too quickly,” wasn’t the right answer. |
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Tulare CA |
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What do you call a deer with no eyes? No Eye Deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? No Eye Deer Still. What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no dick? No Fucking Eye Deer Still. |
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Jacksonville FL |
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A Federal Agent went out to a Montana ranch, and claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent him out to investigate him. GOVT AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them. RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand that’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He, also, sleeps with my wife occasionally. GOVT AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.
RANCHER: That would be me. |
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Tulare CA |
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From a male friend:
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years." Apparently, I'm still lost... It's a man thing. |
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San Antonio TX |
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A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugging, liberal and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down."
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Weaver AL |
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This couple out on a date get a flat tire while driving along on a snowy night. They guy gets out to change the tire, but he doesn't have any gloves so before long he gets back in the car with the job half-done, his hands blue from the cold. "Put your hands between my legs to warm them up," offers his gal. So he does, then gets out to finish the job. It's so cold, however, that he has to come back one more time to warm his hands, again between her legs. Finally, he finishes the job and gets back into the car, and is about to put the key into the ignition when she asks, "Aren't your ears cold?"
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Philadelphia PA |
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Bill the sperm was always teased by the other sperm. He works out, eats healthy and is always keeping in shape. The other sperm tease him but he just replies, "it only takes on of us to reach the egg and produce a human being. I intend to be that one!!"
So the day finally cums. All of the sperm can feel the anticipation. So, the pace is picking up and all of a sudden they are off. Bill is in way in the lead when all of a sudden he stops. Looking petrified and running back towards the other sperm he yells, " go back!! go back". It's only a blow job!! |
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Saint John IN |
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What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts. |
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Philadelphia PA |
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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own
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