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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own
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John went to the local bank to borrow money for a new bull. The loan was made and Banker Bill , who lent the money, came by a week later to see how the bull was doing. John complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. The Banker suggested that he have a veterinarian take a look at the bull. Next week, the Banker returned to see if the vet had helped. John really looked very pleased. "The bull has serviced all of my cows! He broke through the fence, and bred all my neighbor's cows! He's been breeding just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!"

"Wow," said The Banker , "what did the vet do to that bull?" "Just gave him some pills," replied John. "What kind of pills?" asked The Banker "I don't know, but they've got a kind of a peppermint taste."

Emeryville CA
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A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,and sees that it's filled to The brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He Approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the Keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the Jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to Do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't Make a face while doing it."

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove That tooth with your bare hands."

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care Of That problem."

The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd Have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn Tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.Tears stream down Both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the People inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -then, Nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.

He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

Emeryville CA
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Hail to the Chief!

The night before the election, Mitt Romney was very confident and told Ann his wife, "This time tomorrow night, you'll be sleeping with the President of the United States." After Mitt's concession speech, they headed to bed. Ann was getting undressed when she asked, "So how does this work? Is Barack coming over here, or am I supposed to go over there?

~~~ Facebook feed from a share....

Emeryville CA
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Duck walked into a a pharmacy, asked at the counter "ya got any chapstick?", and was directed to aisle 5. He got his chapstick, returned to the counter and when asked cash or charge, he said, "can you put it on my bill?" and waddled out. Next night, he returned and asked at the counter, "ya got any condoms?" and was directed to aisle 3. He got his condoms and returned to the counter, the clerk asked, "you want me to put those on your bill, too?" The duck asked, "what kinda freak you think I am?!?"

Mcallen TX
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Cell Phone Etiquette

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train".

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".

"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss".

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".

"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.

When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

Morgantown PA
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An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what a... re you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" and calls her father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.

The old man turns to his wife and says "Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."

Anniston AL
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3 guys all die on Christmas eve when the bar they were in goes up in flames.

They all arrive at the gates of heaven and are greeted by St. Peter. He scans the rolls and can't find a single one of their names but makes a concession since it's Christmas time...So he tells them all that if they can produce something Christmas related that their sins will be forgiven and they can enter.

The first guy reaches in his pocket and pulls out a pack of smokes. He tears off the filter and lights up. "It's red and while like a candy cane". St. Peter considered the mans ingenuity and agrees to let him in.

The second guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out his car keys. He starts to jingle them back and forth and says "They're sleigh bells". St. Peter considered the mans ingenuity and agrees to let him in.

The third guy smiles as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pair of lace and satin panties. He tosses them at St. Peter and says "alright, let me in!" St. Peter looks at the man perplexed and asks "Sir, how is this at all related to Christmas"

To which the man replies, "Oh...They're Carols".

Long Beach CA
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KNow the differnece between a Hoover and a Harley?

the position of the dirtbag!

Mcallen TX
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Or without any pricks in your life, if that's how it works out.

Danville VT
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It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold.

The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions.

After a while, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth.

Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.

The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities.

The moral of the story is: Just learn to live with the Pricks in your life!

Mcallen TX
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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own