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TOPIC: Jokes_and_Funnies_feel_free_to_add_your_own
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OK I am a softie sometimes...shhhhh please keep it quiet!

THE OLD FISHERMAN

Our house was directly across the street from the clinic entrance of Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore . We lived downstairs and rented the upstairs rooms to out-patients at the Clinic.

One summer evening as I was fixing supper, there was a knock at the door. I opened it to see a truly awful looking man. "Why, he's hardly taller than my eight-year-old," I thought as I stared at the stooped, shriveled body.

But the appalling thing was his face, lopsided from swelling, red and raw. Yet his voice was pleasant as he said, "Good evening. I've come to see if you've a room for just one night. I came for a treatment this morning from the eastern shore, and there's no bus 'till morning."

He told me he'd been hunting for a room since noon but with no success; no one seemed to have a room. "I guess it's my face. I know it looks terrible, but my doctor says with a few more treatments..."

For a moment I hesitated, but his next words convinced me: "I could sleep in this rocking chair on the porch. My bus leaves early in the morning." I told him we would find him a bed, but to rest on the porch. I went inside and finished getting supper. When we were ready, I asked the old man if he would join us. "No thank you. I have plenty" And he held up a brown paper bag.

When I had finished the dishes, I went out on the porch to talk with him a few! minutes . It didn't take a long time to see that this old man had an oversized heart crowded into that tiny body. He told me he fished for a living to support his daughter, her five children and her husband, who was hopelessly crippled from a back injury.

He didn't tell it by way of complaint; in fact, every other sentence was prefaced with thanks to God for a blessing. He was grateful that no pain accompanied his disease, which was apparently a form of skin cancer. He thanked God for giving him the strength to keep going.

At bedtime, we put a camp cot in the children's room for him. When I got up in the morning, the bed linens were neatly folded, and the little man was out on the porch.

He refused breakfast, but just before he left for his bus, haltingly, as if asking a great favor, he said, Could I please come back and stay the next time I have a treatment? I won't put you out a bit I can sleep fine in a chair." He paused a moment and then added, "Your children made me feel at home. Grownups are bothered by my face, but children don't seem to mind." I told him he was welcome to come again.

And on his next trip he arrived a little after seven in the morning. As a gift, he brought a big fish and a quart of the largest oysters I had ever seen. He said he had shucked them that morning before he left so that they'd be nice and fresh. I knew his bus left at 4 a.m., and I wondered what time he had to get up in order to do this for us

continued>

Destin FL
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Keep them going!!!!

Tucson AZ
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Thanks, I thought so too...

Destin FL
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Have to say that blonde jokes is pretty damn funny...lol

JoAnn

Tucson AZ
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Spelling to get into Heaven

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.

She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her 'Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you.'

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, 'This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?' 'You have to spell a word,' Saint Peter told her.

'Which word?' the woman asked.

'Love.'

The woman correctly spelled 'Love' and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. 'I'm surprised to see you,' the woman said. 'How have you been?'

'Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died,' her husband told her. 'I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?'

'You have to spell a word,' the woman told him.

'Which word?' her husband asked.

'Czechoslovakia.'

Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry... There will be Hell to pay later!

Destin FL
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FIRST DEGREE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:*

SECOND DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror

and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"

So the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second on e looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-,_,-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:*

THIRD DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry.

She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:*

FOURTH DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,-:*

FIFTH DEGREE

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"

` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-,_,.-:*

SIXTH DEGREE

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.Wade

was about.

Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware "

` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:*

SEVENTH DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash , the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?

They send me a BLIND policeman."

Destin FL
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*The Bull Dog* ----------------------

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog for Sale"

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking dog sitting there. 'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the dog replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The dog says, 'Well, I discovered I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services: The United States Marine Corps. You know one of their nicknames is 'The Devil Dogs.'

"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger.

"So, I decided to settle down. I retired from the Corps--(8 dog years is 56 Corps years)--and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? That dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar! He never did any of that shit. He was in the Navy!'

Destin FL
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Rick is in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him " Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!! "

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway . Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him

Destin FL
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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own
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