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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own
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A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman. "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price."

Long Beach CA
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A reporter asks Bill Clinton--- How's Hillary's head?

He replies, "Well.......... she's no Monica!"

Mission TX
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It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter from Dripping Springs, woke up raring to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asks her, "What are you up to?" Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!" Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along. Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside of San Marcos, Texas. Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot." Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant - much less a deer. Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, get the #$%^ away from my deer!" Confused and frightened, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get the #$%^ away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire! Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a Texas game warden with his hands high in the air.

The game warden, obviously distraught, yelled, "Okay, lady! You can have your #$%^ deer, just let me get my saddle off it!"

Tulare CA
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Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Tulare CA
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The story of how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree. Santa was having a REALLY bad day one year. The elves were all on strike. Half of his reindeer had the flu. Mrs. Santa had a really bad case of PMS and was giving him a hassle. Things just couldn't be worse. About that time, the little angel came in, saying " I have that tree you wanted, Santa! Where do you want it?".....and its been there ever since.

Mcallen TX
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A voice mail left on an answering machine. This girl freaked a guy out so he gave her a wrong number. I wonder why.

ww w.youtube.c om/watch?v=6yMiOTxidFs

Winter Garden FL
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Subject: Christmas warning

At this time of the year, when the police checkpoints come up with great regularity, I would like to share a personal experience with my closest friends about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had a couple of drinks and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before ~ I took a cab home. Sure enough, I passed a police check point but, since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise as I have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it's in my garage.

Emeryville CA
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Stosh Zelkovitski worked in a Polish pickle factory.For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.

Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist.

After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Stosh to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.

The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. Stosh tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.

Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis. She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"

Stosh replied, "I think she got fired, too."

Emeryville CA
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John went to the local bank to borrow money for a new bull. The loan was made and Banker Bill , who lent the money, came by a week later to see how the bull was doing. John complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. The Banker suggested that he have a veterinarian take a look at the bull. Next week, the Banker returned to see if the vet had helped. John really looked very pleased. "The bull has serviced all of my cows! He broke through the fence, and bred all my neighbor's cows! He's been breeding just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!"

"Wow," said The Banker , "what did the vet do to that bull?" "Just gave him some pills," replied John. "What kind of pills?" asked The Banker "I don't know, but they've got a kind of a peppermint taste."

Emeryville CA
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A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,and sees that it's filled to The brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He Approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the Keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the Jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to Do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't Make a face while doing it."

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove That tooth with your bare hands."

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care Of That problem."

The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd Have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn Tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.Tears stream down Both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the People inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -then, Nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.

He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

Emeryville CA
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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own