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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own
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A cheeseburger walked into a pub and asked for three pints of Guinness, two halves of stout, and a double Whiskey. "Out!", yelled the barman, "I've told you before, we don't serve food." ******************** A three legged dog limps into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar orders a whiskey and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!!

Destin FL
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Funny...When dumb people as dumb questions...

I was in Walmart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked me if I had a dog... DUHHHH!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her NO and that I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital the last time. BUT, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it.

I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.)

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital. I said, 'Oh NO! I was sitting in the street licking my ass when a car hit me.'

I thought the tall guy in back of the line was going to have to be carried out.

Destin FL
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A Man's Perfect Wedding

If Men Were in Charge of Weddings

There would be a "Rehearsal Kegger" rather than a "Rehearsal Dinner."

Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops.

They would have NO tan lines.

Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that "forsaking all others" part.

The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up '73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!

Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were really old) would get punched in the head.

Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man."

There would be "Tailgate Receptions."

Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long.

Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party. Those strippers and liquor sure do add up.

Men wouldn't ask, "Well, what do you think, dear? The burgundy or the wine colored napkins?" They'd just grab extras from their local pub or tavern.

Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge.

The bride's dress would show cleavage, her navel, and be form-fitted to her butt.

Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of bar-b-que.

No one would bother with that "Veil Routine." But they would insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it could go.

The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral or something.

Invitations would read as follows:

Tom (Dick or Harry) is getting the ol' ball and chain... He's getting married. He either: A) knocked her up, B) couldn't get a different roommate, or C) caved in to her ultimatum. Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him For the rest of his life at Texas Stadium On the 50 Yard Line At Half-time during Sunday's Game. Please join us at The Clubhouse after the game For Beer, Nachos and Pizza. Oh yeah... B.Y.O.B

Destin FL
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An old lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Old Lady: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Old Lady: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Old Lady: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Old Lady: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see ... Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?

Old Lady: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Old Lady: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Old Lady: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Old Lady: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.

Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.

A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Old Lady: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Old Lady: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Old Lady: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Old Lady: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.

Destin FL
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LOL, Military time!

Destin FL
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dammit, I missed catching Henry posting.... been wondering where you guys have been... come back soon!!!

East Ridge TN
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THANK GOD FOR MOM'S!! YOU made my day!

Destin FL
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Thanks for all you post destin. I shortend your last joke a little and called my Mom, she laughed twice then in a flat voice she said, "I've peed my pants, bye".

Brunswick GA
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E-Mail From God

One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of his angels and sent the angel to earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to earth.

When he returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."God was not pleased. So he decided to e-mail the 5% who were good because He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what the e-mail said?

No?

Okay, just wondering. I didn't get one either.

Destin FL
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Little Johnny and Mary Margaret

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend

Sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.

The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and

Savior?" But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny

Came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,

"Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say t o Adam after

She had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that

Damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The nun fainted...........

Destin FL
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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own