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Mother on Bus A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, “That has to be the ugliest baby I've ever seen.”

Angrily, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

“That bus driver insulted me.” she fumed.

The man sympathized and said: “Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't insult the passengers.”

“You are so right!” She said. “'I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.”

“That's an excellent idea,” the man replied. “Here, while you go up, let me hold your monkey.”

Destin FL
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Three men were standing at the Pearly Gates of Heaven where Saint Peter met them and asked, "What would each of you like to hear your relatives or friends say at your funeral?"

The first man answered, "I am a renowned doctor and I would love to hear someone talk about how I had been instrumental in saving someone's life and giving them a second chance at life."

The second man replied, "I am a family man and a school teacher, I would like to hear someone say what a great husband and father I was and that I had been made a difference in some young person’s life."

The third man replied, "Wow guys, those are really great things but I guess if I had my choice on what to hear at my funeral, I would much rather hear someone say, "Look! He’s moving!

Destin FL
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The Ship's Magician So there's this magician working on a small cruise ship. He's been doing his routines every night for a year or two now. The audiences appreciate him, and they change over often enough that he doesn't have to worry too much about new tricks. However, there's this parrot who sits in the back row and watches him night after night, year after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how the tricks work and starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when the magician makes a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back! Behind his back!" Well, the magician get really annoyed at this, but he doesn't know what to do. The parrot belongs to the Captain, so he can't just kill it.

One day, the ship springs a leak and sinks. The magician manages to swim to a plank of wood floating by and grabs on. The parrot is sitting on the other end of the plank. The just stare at each other and drift. They drift for 3 days and still don't speak. On the morning of the fourth day, the parrot looks over at the magician and says: "OK, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?"

Destin FL
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To Feel Like a Woman A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm. The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightning. The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and they are all going to die.

At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman! Is anyone here man enough to make me feel like a real woman?"

She sees a hand raise in the back, and a handsome, tall, muscular man smiles and starts to walk up to her seat.

As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She sees his huge muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane.

He stands in front of her, shirt in hand, and says to her, "I can make you feel like a real woman before you die. Did you mean what you said? Are really you interested?"

She eagerly nods her head. "Yes!".

As the man hands her his shirt, he says, "Here. Iron this!"

Destin FL
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A cheeseburger walked into a pub and asked for three pints of Guinness, two halves of stout, and a double Whiskey. "Out!", yelled the barman, "I've told you before, we don't serve food." ******************** A three legged dog limps into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar orders a whiskey and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!!

Destin FL
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Funny...When dumb people as dumb questions...

I was in Walmart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked me if I had a dog... DUHHHH!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her NO and that I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital the last time. BUT, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it.

I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.)

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital. I said, 'Oh NO! I was sitting in the street licking my ass when a car hit me.'

I thought the tall guy in back of the line was going to have to be carried out.

Destin FL
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A Man's Perfect Wedding

If Men Were in Charge of Weddings

There would be a "Rehearsal Kegger" rather than a "Rehearsal Dinner."

Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops.

They would have NO tan lines.

Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that "forsaking all others" part.

The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up '73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!

Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were really old) would get punched in the head.

Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man."

There would be "Tailgate Receptions."

Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long.

Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party. Those strippers and liquor sure do add up.

Men wouldn't ask, "Well, what do you think, dear? The burgundy or the wine colored napkins?" They'd just grab extras from their local pub or tavern.

Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge.

The bride's dress would show cleavage, her navel, and be form-fitted to her butt.

Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of bar-b-que.

No one would bother with that "Veil Routine." But they would insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it could go.

The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral or something.

Invitations would read as follows:

Tom (Dick or Harry) is getting the ol' ball and chain... He's getting married. He either: A) knocked her up, B) couldn't get a different roommate, or C) caved in to her ultimatum. Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him For the rest of his life at Texas Stadium On the 50 Yard Line At Half-time during Sunday's Game. Please join us at The Clubhouse after the game For Beer, Nachos and Pizza. Oh yeah... B.Y.O.B

Destin FL
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An old lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Old Lady: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Old Lady: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Old Lady: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Old Lady: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see ... Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?

Old Lady: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Old Lady: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Old Lady: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Old Lady: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.

Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.

A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Old Lady: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Old Lady: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Old Lady: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Old Lady: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.

Destin FL
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LOL, Military time!

Destin FL
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dammit, I missed catching Henry posting.... been wondering where you guys have been... come back soon!!!

East Ridge TN
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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own