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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own
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Rubbing Her The Right Way A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

Destin FL
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Fifty-Dollar Bet This guy who works at a pickle factory comes home and hands his wife 50 dollars. She asked him what it was from and he told her that he won it in a bet -- the guys at the factory bet him 50 dollars that he wouldn't stick his dick in the pickle slicer. The wife was surprised and said she wanted to make sure he was still intact. He pulled down his pants and, indeed, it was all there, unharmed. “But what about the pickle slicer,” asked the wife, perplexed. “Oh, she liked it too,” answered the husband.

Destin FL
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At the Old Folks Home One day in a retirement home, an old lady and an old man were sitting at the coffee table talking. Out of the blue, the woman stated, ‘I bet I can guess your age.”

The old man replied, “ I really don’t think so! But go ahead, give it your best shot.”

So the woman responded, “OK, take off your pants... Your underpants too... Now turn completely around slowly...”

She checked him carefully back and front and continued, “OK. Now put your pants back on. Based on everything I saw, you're exactly 84 years old.”

The old man, shocked, asked, “How did you know?”

The old lady replied, “You told me yesterday.”

Destin FL
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Mother on Bus A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, “That has to be the ugliest baby I've ever seen.”

Angrily, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

“That bus driver insulted me.” she fumed.

The man sympathized and said: “Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't insult the passengers.”

“You are so right!” She said. “'I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.”

“That's an excellent idea,” the man replied. “Here, while you go up, let me hold your monkey.”

Destin FL
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Three men were standing at the Pearly Gates of Heaven where Saint Peter met them and asked, "What would each of you like to hear your relatives or friends say at your funeral?"

The first man answered, "I am a renowned doctor and I would love to hear someone talk about how I had been instrumental in saving someone's life and giving them a second chance at life."

The second man replied, "I am a family man and a school teacher, I would like to hear someone say what a great husband and father I was and that I had been made a difference in some young person’s life."

The third man replied, "Wow guys, those are really great things but I guess if I had my choice on what to hear at my funeral, I would much rather hear someone say, "Look! He’s moving!

Destin FL
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The Ship's Magician So there's this magician working on a small cruise ship. He's been doing his routines every night for a year or two now. The audiences appreciate him, and they change over often enough that he doesn't have to worry too much about new tricks. However, there's this parrot who sits in the back row and watches him night after night, year after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how the tricks work and starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when the magician makes a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back! Behind his back!" Well, the magician get really annoyed at this, but he doesn't know what to do. The parrot belongs to the Captain, so he can't just kill it.

One day, the ship springs a leak and sinks. The magician manages to swim to a plank of wood floating by and grabs on. The parrot is sitting on the other end of the plank. The just stare at each other and drift. They drift for 3 days and still don't speak. On the morning of the fourth day, the parrot looks over at the magician and says: "OK, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?"

Destin FL
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To Feel Like a Woman A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm. The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightning. The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and they are all going to die.

At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman! Is anyone here man enough to make me feel like a real woman?"

She sees a hand raise in the back, and a handsome, tall, muscular man smiles and starts to walk up to her seat.

As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She sees his huge muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane.

He stands in front of her, shirt in hand, and says to her, "I can make you feel like a real woman before you die. Did you mean what you said? Are really you interested?"

She eagerly nods her head. "Yes!".

As the man hands her his shirt, he says, "Here. Iron this!"

Destin FL
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A cheeseburger walked into a pub and asked for three pints of Guinness, two halves of stout, and a double Whiskey. "Out!", yelled the barman, "I've told you before, we don't serve food." ******************** A three legged dog limps into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar orders a whiskey and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!!

Destin FL
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Funny...When dumb people as dumb questions...

I was in Walmart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked me if I had a dog... DUHHHH!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her NO and that I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital the last time. BUT, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it.

I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.)

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital. I said, 'Oh NO! I was sitting in the street licking my ass when a car hit me.'

I thought the tall guy in back of the line was going to have to be carried out.

Destin FL
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A Man's Perfect Wedding

If Men Were in Charge of Weddings

There would be a "Rehearsal Kegger" rather than a "Rehearsal Dinner."

Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops.

They would have NO tan lines.

Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that "forsaking all others" part.

The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up '73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!

Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were really old) would get punched in the head.

Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man."

There would be "Tailgate Receptions."

Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long.

Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party. Those strippers and liquor sure do add up.

Men wouldn't ask, "Well, what do you think, dear? The burgundy or the wine colored napkins?" They'd just grab extras from their local pub or tavern.

Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge.

The bride's dress would show cleavage, her navel, and be form-fitted to her butt.

Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of bar-b-que.

No one would bother with that "Veil Routine." But they would insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it could go.

The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral or something.

Invitations would read as follows:

Tom (Dick or Harry) is getting the ol' ball and chain... He's getting married. He either: A) knocked her up, B) couldn't get a different roommate, or C) caved in to her ultimatum. Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him For the rest of his life at Texas Stadium On the 50 Yard Line At Half-time during Sunday's Game. Please join us at The Clubhouse after the game For Beer, Nachos and Pizza. Oh yeah... B.Y.O.B

Destin FL
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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own