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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own
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An old lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Old Lady: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Old Lady: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Old Lady: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Old Lady: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see ... Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?

Old Lady: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Old Lady: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Old Lady: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Old Lady: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.

Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.

A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Old Lady: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Old Lady: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Old Lady: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Old Lady: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.

Destin FL
 
 
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LOL, Military time!

Destin FL
 
 
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dammit, I missed catching Henry posting.... been wondering where you guys have been... come back soon!!!

East Ridge TN
 
 
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THANK GOD FOR MOM'S!! YOU made my day!

Destin FL
 
 
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Thanks for all you post destin. I shortend your last joke a little and called my Mom, she laughed twice then in a flat voice she said, "I've peed my pants, bye".

Brunswick GA
 
 
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E-Mail From God

One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of his angels and sent the angel to earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to earth.

When he returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."God was not pleased. So he decided to e-mail the 5% who were good because He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what the e-mail said?

No?

Okay, just wondering. I didn't get one either.

Destin FL
 
 
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Little Johnny and Mary Margaret

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend

Sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.

The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and

Savior?" But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny

Came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,

"Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say t o Adam after

She had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that

Damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The nun fainted...........

Destin FL
 
 
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Happy Birthday Boudreaux

Boudreaux was celebrating his 92 years on this Earth. Sitting down, He smiled and spoke to his toes . "Hello dere, toes!" he said, "how you are toes? You know, you 92 Today! Oh, de times we had! Remember when we walk along de bayou wit All dem pretty girls every Sunday afternoon? Dem times we Deaux-is-deauxed on de dance floor wit dem same womens? Oh yeah, ahh- Heeee! Happy birthday, toes!" "Hello dere, knees," he continued. "How you are , knees? You know you 92 today. Oh, de times we had, huh! Remember when we march in de Mardi Gras parade? Oh boy, de hurdles we Jumped together me and you. Happy birthday, knees!" Then, he looked down at his crotch and shook his head. "Hello dere Pierre! You little booger you! Did you know, if you was Alive today, you'd be 92?

Destin FL
 
 
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One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he Asked about his bill and the barber replies, "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The florist is pleased and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, There is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the Barber again replies, "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill The barber again replies, "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this! week." The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open, there is a Thank you card and a gift certificate for lunch at a nearby restaurant. Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the Barber again replies, "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Democrat is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between Left And Right.

Destin FL
 
 
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Mafia Advice An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls for his grandson to approach the bed and says,

"Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome-plated 38-caliber revolver so you willa always remember me." The grandson smiles weakly and replies;

"But grandpa, I really Doan-a lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your ROLEX watch instead?" Gasping for air, the old man answers with a snarl in his voice;

"Shuddup an lissin! Somma day you gonna runna da business. You gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a bigga home and maybe a couple a bambinos." After a slight pause to catch his breath he continues;

Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then... Pointa to you watch and say "Times up?"

Destin FL
 
 
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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own