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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own
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Alaska Retirement Jeff had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. "Name's Stan, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00." "Great", says Jeff, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Stan is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some drinkin!" "Not a problem" says Jeff. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too." "Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right and, if not, I can handle myself pretty well .....I'll be there. Thanks again." "More'n likely be some wild sex, too," "Now that's really not a problem" says Jeff, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?" "Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."

Tulare CA
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Taken from another site (give credit where it is due)

A guy gets a call from the police telling him his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all his beer had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes and the guy says, "I can't believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!" ______________________________________________ Got this text from my brother recently. It read. "Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick. .... It just reaches the back of her sister's throat!" ______________________________________________ I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking back, I really should have ran - but you don't get offers like that every day. _____________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ My wife just came in and said, "I don't know if I am coming or going. "I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face, you're going - 'cus when you're coming, you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!" ____________________________________________________ I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I fucked a girl called Penny - is that spooky or what? _____________________________________________________ The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?" .... Apparently "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer .

Wayne NJ
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A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.

The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen.

She dresses quickly and goes to find him..

The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'

The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it..'

'You are wasting your time,' said the boy.

'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled.

'Well when you go shopping Mrs. Jones comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up again!!

Tulare CA
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What a clever lymerick! Did you cross-post in that thread??? If you didn't, you should!

Mcallen TX
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Limerick about a Lady’s Chest =======================

There was a young lady whose chest, Was acknowledged as one of the best. She had no inhibitions About competitions. Since she stood out from all of the rest. ======================== I think I have seen her on some of the other threads in this forum MRV

Mission TX
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The difference between a light bulb and a pregnant girlfriend?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

Danville VT
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Three ole country girls sitting out, talking about their men. As it happens, all three have a man named "Leroy". They began comparing their men to soft drinks. The first said, "MY man, Leroy, he like 7 UP, coz he got 7 and he's ALWAYS up!" The second said, "MY man, Leroy, be like Mountain Dew, coz he made like a mountain.... and he always want to DO!" The third then spoke up, "MY man, Leroy, be like Jack Daniels" The other two looked at her and exclaimed, "Girl, that's a HARD LIQUOR!" She sighed, "that's my Leroy!"

Mcallen TX
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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes down stairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years". "I remember that too", she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

Tulare CA
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A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, They were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1 : 00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,..........."Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold"

"I have a better idea,'" she replied "Just for tonight......let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow!......................That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied................"Get your own f...ing blanket."

After a moment of silence, ........................he farted.

Tulare CA
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a couple gets married, on their honeymoon night the bride is kissing around on the groom chest.she starts to work lower and he starts to push her head down lower.she thinks to her self,if i do this he will lose respect for me.she quits,he sayes nothing.20 years they do the same thing.and she thinks he will lose respect for me.here they are ,they have been married for 60 years,she is kissing around on his chest then his tummy,he starts pushing her head down lower,she thinks why not we been married for 60 years , if he was going to loes resprct for me he would have done it a long time ago.so she gives him some head. while she is doing that the phone rings,he answer it ,he says yeah she here,he turns to her and says here cock sucker its for you .

Kingston TN
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TOPIC: Jokes and Funnies feel free to add your own